Daily Archives: January 30, 2011

Cliffs of Insanity …

I am quite a Movie Buff. Especially 80’s Movies!  LOVE THEM!  The title of this blog IS in fact, a line from a fabulous 80’s Movie that has a dreamy actor in it (before his time).  Who is actually one of the 6 people I follow on twitter!  Anywho! I am going to take you to a delusional place that I hang out with Libellula at.  We shall name it “The Cliffs of Insanity”! Dun Dun DAH!  (It sounds so much cooler when I say it out loud) 🙂

You know when it feels like the world is crumbling around you.  Or like you are going to explode from stress, pressure, expectations etc.?  You may be ready to go on a bender, bitch slap anyone that gets too close or Ram your fender into the bumper of the next person that looks at you wrong?  That exact moment is when Libellula and I call each other and say “I am standing at the edge of a cliff & I need you to talk me down”.

Now, please note, this is a hypothetical cliff.  Neither of us have any intentions of actually committing suicide.  We tend to visit “Metaphoric Lands” to work through things in our life.  All I am trying to do is show you an alternate perspective to dealing with “crap”.

Moving on, when this call happens.  We first grasp our bearings and say “ok well, jumping isn’t an option today, so let’s grab our lounge chairs and sit at the top of the cliff and work it out”  So mentally we do that.  Then we usually talk about bringing tequila because DUH it goes with everything! (weddings, funerals, graduations, nights away from kids, nights with the kids, garage sales, Spring cleaning, wrapping presents … you get the picture).  SO there we are… hanging out on our patio chairs, tequila in hand ready to talk.  Another detail I should mention about this cliff is there actually is a HUGE trampoline at the bottom of it, so even if we did decide to jump, we would simple bounce back up.  That’s just silly because a drop like that would spill your tequila and HELLO?!?!  That isn’t cool.

Now when we talk, we have always been able to figure things out.  Even if it means pretending the trampoline is broken and we are pushing those idiots that made the mess in the first place off of the cliff.  Timing can also change our actions, for instance, if I am sleeping and Libellula is ready to jump.  You bet your sweet t00sh I will be there to help her, but if my ass is tired I am not about to get off my patio chair to stop her,  I will Tie the chairs together & tell her if she goes I guess we both are going.    Than we imagine our selves bouncing on patio chairs with tequila in hand.

I know this sounds ridiculous.  Having your own place sometimes though, that you have full control over, really can make things better.  You should try it. HYPOTHETICALLY try it.  I am NOT telling anyone to take their life or the life of anyone else.

Much love to all of you! Stay Warm my Wisco Friends!

A Curbside Prophet

P.S. 10 points to anyone who can name the actor 🙂

Just need to get it out.

I do NOT want this blog to be a constant “bitch session”.   However; my life isn’t the easiest and sometimes I just need to get things out.  So consider yourself warned.   You  are about to step into the “not so pretty” part of my brain.

About me

My name is Tiffany.  I am 33 years old.  I am no better than anyone else and far from perfect.  I am very honest.  I am kind to most.  I try my best to be my best.  I put lots of effort into not judging others.  It is my truth that I have never lived a day in anyone elses’ shoes so I have no idea how I would respond to life’s’  situations as anyone else, but myself.  I don’t think I am ignorant, but I’ve never gone to college.. yet.  I like myself.  I think I am beautiful inside and out.  I can be selfish. I do get angry.  I do cry.  I laugh a lot.  In all of life’s situations I take a step back and ask myself – do I have control over this? – Will any of this matter in 5 years?  – Am I hurting anyone?.  Usually all 3 are “no” answers and so I do not react and continue with my day.  I have always been one wanting to “save the world”.  I dated Men that “needed” me.  I surrounded myself with friends who were just a wreck.  I was a foster Mother to 4 Amazing children.  I sacrificed everything for others.  I included everyone in everything, wanting to bring joy and acceptance into everyone’s’ life.  I suppose it was all practice for what the higher power had in store for me.

Today I am a Mother of 2 Angels on Earth.  I honestly believe that’s what they are.  They are only half here.  The other half is somewhere magical full of giggles.  Pippi is 9 & George is 7.  Both of my Angels are Autistic.  I feel like a veteran High functioning Autistic Parent.  I have done the intense early intervention, therapies, diets etc.  I got to the point where I was exhausted and could “only do so much”.  I chose the most important things that appeared to be working and that was okay.  I wasn’t a failure parent.  2 years before hand I would have told you a parent WAS a failure if they didn’t do EVERYTHING to help their child.  Then  I came the sad realization that this is who they are, all they are & all they will be.  They still learn everyday and conquer so many fabulous goals… but they are exactly who they are.

I go through stages.  I get MAD!  How the F*&^ could I have prevented this.  Why are the numbers so great and yet there is no “public known cause”.  My daughter is 9 now.  It is unacceptable for us not to have an answer by now.  I am MAD that my entire life is theirs.  I am MAD that I can’t just “get a sitter” when I want to go out for a break.  I am MAD that children pick on my kids and adults judge me on their behavior when they haven’t got a f*&$ing clue.  My children look like any other kids so it must just be   “bad parenting”.  I am MAD that my dreams to travel are on a back burner for now.  I am MAD that NOBODY KNOWS OR GETS IT!

I get sad.  I cry.  My son is violent when he gets frustrated.  I get sad when he repeatedly hits himself in the head.  Which as of late is daily.  I get sad when he makes himself vomit.  I am sad that I am covered with bruises and hope he doesn’t hurt somebody really bad unintentionally later in life.

I am happy that I have them.  I am happy that they chose me to be their Momma.  I am happy that I have the strength to handle whatever we come across.  I am happy that this isn’t a death sentence.  I am happy that our little family is closer than so many families out there.  I am happy that after 4 years my daughter started talking… I thought I would never hear “momma”.  I am happy that our baby steps are taking us places.  I am happy that I have resources available to me so I can put 95% of my effort into them.  I am happy to be back in Michigan and be near family in case I do need them instead of 2000 miles away completely on my own.  I am happy because my children are more happy than they are not.  I am happy I have a couple great Non-Friends who I can talk to any day or time I need them.

I get irritated.  It isn’t the best feeling when the “specialist” that has the future of your children in their hands has never dealt with a REAL Autistic person.  Or this “specialist” has less than 2 years knowledge.  Or doesn’t know the basics of early intervention.  I am a specialist.  9 years of experience.  I have met and spent many a school years learning from at least 40 other Autistic children.  Yet I know, that I know nothing.  I hate that college gets someone a good paying just to practice “trial and error” on my kids.  That people proclaim to know what is best for my situation when they have NEVER even met my kids.

HOW can I help?  you can’t…There is nothing that anyone can do.   I mean sure, I could ask people to do stuff… stuff that didn’t really matter, but whats the point when I could do it myself.  I know people need to accept help and ask for help, but this is different.  It’s very rare that I really need help.  I am not one to ask for help though, when I am fine doing it by myself.  When it’s difficult for anyone to “get” my kids.  It’s hard to bring anyone into my world. My daughter is a whirlwind.  When I clean “anything”, it will be destroyed by the day’s end.  (or within the next 60 minutes).  So when anyone walks into my home they wonder  “how we can live like this”.  When I can look at the same apartment and think, I cleaned this room today and will do it again tomorrow, nobody is hurt and nothing got broken..it can all be fixed.  I guess my priorities are different.  All of our needs are met, my kids are fed, bathed, have clean clothes, homework done, finger/toe nails clipped, teeth brushed and are happy.  When all of those things get done with minimal melt downs, it’s been a GREAT day.  It is important you understand it’s not that I turn help away.  Just people want to do things that really don’t help and I want to save  their kindness for when I really need them.

Today my heart hurts.  It’s a rough “George” day and everything is setting him off.  On top of hitting himself he has been grabbing his face as hard as he can.  If you have read this far, please send happy thoughts his way.   He really is a kind kid, just can’t deal with things appropriately sometimes.

Wishing you all a fabulous Week ahead.  Be kind to each other 🙂

A Curbside Prophet