Just need to get it out.

I do NOT want this blog to be a constant “bitch session”.   However; my life isn’t the easiest and sometimes I just need to get things out.  So consider yourself warned.   You  are about to step into the “not so pretty” part of my brain.

About me

My name is Tiffany.  I am 33 years old.  I am no better than anyone else and far from perfect.  I am very honest.  I am kind to most.  I try my best to be my best.  I put lots of effort into not judging others.  It is my truth that I have never lived a day in anyone elses’ shoes so I have no idea how I would respond to life’s’  situations as anyone else, but myself.  I don’t think I am ignorant, but I’ve never gone to college.. yet.  I like myself.  I think I am beautiful inside and out.  I can be selfish. I do get angry.  I do cry.  I laugh a lot.  In all of life’s situations I take a step back and ask myself – do I have control over this? – Will any of this matter in 5 years?  – Am I hurting anyone?.  Usually all 3 are “no” answers and so I do not react and continue with my day.  I have always been one wanting to “save the world”.  I dated Men that “needed” me.  I surrounded myself with friends who were just a wreck.  I was a foster Mother to 4 Amazing children.  I sacrificed everything for others.  I included everyone in everything, wanting to bring joy and acceptance into everyone’s’ life.  I suppose it was all practice for what the higher power had in store for me.

Today I am a Mother of 2 Angels on Earth.  I honestly believe that’s what they are.  They are only half here.  The other half is somewhere magical full of giggles.  Pippi is 9 & George is 7.  Both of my Angels are Autistic.  I feel like a veteran High functioning Autistic Parent.  I have done the intense early intervention, therapies, diets etc.  I got to the point where I was exhausted and could “only do so much”.  I chose the most important things that appeared to be working and that was okay.  I wasn’t a failure parent.  2 years before hand I would have told you a parent WAS a failure if they didn’t do EVERYTHING to help their child.  Then  I came the sad realization that this is who they are, all they are & all they will be.  They still learn everyday and conquer so many fabulous goals… but they are exactly who they are.

I go through stages.  I get MAD!  How the F*&^ could I have prevented this.  Why are the numbers so great and yet there is no “public known cause”.  My daughter is 9 now.  It is unacceptable for us not to have an answer by now.  I am MAD that my entire life is theirs.  I am MAD that I can’t just “get a sitter” when I want to go out for a break.  I am MAD that children pick on my kids and adults judge me on their behavior when they haven’t got a f*&$ing clue.  My children look like any other kids so it must just be   “bad parenting”.  I am MAD that my dreams to travel are on a back burner for now.  I am MAD that NOBODY KNOWS OR GETS IT!

I get sad.  I cry.  My son is violent when he gets frustrated.  I get sad when he repeatedly hits himself in the head.  Which as of late is daily.  I get sad when he makes himself vomit.  I am sad that I am covered with bruises and hope he doesn’t hurt somebody really bad unintentionally later in life.

I am happy that I have them.  I am happy that they chose me to be their Momma.  I am happy that I have the strength to handle whatever we come across.  I am happy that this isn’t a death sentence.  I am happy that our little family is closer than so many families out there.  I am happy that after 4 years my daughter started talking… I thought I would never hear “momma”.  I am happy that our baby steps are taking us places.  I am happy that I have resources available to me so I can put 95% of my effort into them.  I am happy to be back in Michigan and be near family in case I do need them instead of 2000 miles away completely on my own.  I am happy because my children are more happy than they are not.  I am happy I have a couple great Non-Friends who I can talk to any day or time I need them.

I get irritated.  It isn’t the best feeling when the “specialist” that has the future of your children in their hands has never dealt with a REAL Autistic person.  Or this “specialist” has less than 2 years knowledge.  Or doesn’t know the basics of early intervention.  I am a specialist.  9 years of experience.  I have met and spent many a school years learning from at least 40 other Autistic children.  Yet I know, that I know nothing.  I hate that college gets someone a good paying just to practice “trial and error” on my kids.  That people proclaim to know what is best for my situation when they have NEVER even met my kids.

HOW can I help?  you can’t…There is nothing that anyone can do.   I mean sure, I could ask people to do stuff… stuff that didn’t really matter, but whats the point when I could do it myself.  I know people need to accept help and ask for help, but this is different.  It’s very rare that I really need help.  I am not one to ask for help though, when I am fine doing it by myself.  When it’s difficult for anyone to “get” my kids.  It’s hard to bring anyone into my world. My daughter is a whirlwind.  When I clean “anything”, it will be destroyed by the day’s end.  (or within the next 60 minutes).  So when anyone walks into my home they wonder  “how we can live like this”.  When I can look at the same apartment and think, I cleaned this room today and will do it again tomorrow, nobody is hurt and nothing got broken..it can all be fixed.  I guess my priorities are different.  All of our needs are met, my kids are fed, bathed, have clean clothes, homework done, finger/toe nails clipped, teeth brushed and are happy.  When all of those things get done with minimal melt downs, it’s been a GREAT day.  It is important you understand it’s not that I turn help away.  Just people want to do things that really don’t help and I want to save  their kindness for when I really need them.

Today my heart hurts.  It’s a rough “George” day and everything is setting him off.  On top of hitting himself he has been grabbing his face as hard as he can.  If you have read this far, please send happy thoughts his way.   He really is a kind kid, just can’t deal with things appropriately sometimes.

Wishing you all a fabulous Week ahead.  Be kind to each other 🙂

A Curbside Prophet