Monthly Archives: February 2011

“I carried a Watermelon?!?!?”

Since mid 2007 I have lived with my two autistic children only.  My life is restricted and my adult interaction is limited.  My children would never look at me when we spoke to each other, if we spoke to each other at all.    Here, almost four years later, I have a terrible time at keeping eye contact during my newer found freedom.  When you talk to people for so long without visual acknowledgment, you get used to not looking at the person not looking at you.  Then when a person is giving me their full attention, I find it difficult to keep looking and I turn away.

I also have a difficult time saying what I mean.  I speak only truth, but it is mistaken MOST of the time.  I feel socially handicapped.  I say the most random messed up things and if I am unable to explain myself and my thought process at that time, I am just viewed as this Lady who is a little bit off.  It sucks when I find compatibility with people, and enjoy their company,  only for them to walk away with the assumption I am missing some sandwiches in my picnic basket.  Maybe all of my Solitude has made me part Autistic…. Having the traits I mean.

It’s very similar as to when I take my kids out in public.  They appear to look like any normal child with no “visual” differences as opposed to Downs syndrome etc.  So then when my son has a melt down in the middle of an isle at a store I can either 1. Try to explain he is autistic – for then people are more understanding.  Or 2. I can have the whole world roll their eyes and me and say “if that were my kid he wouldn’t be acting this way”  because obviously it is the parents fault when a child misbehaves in social settings.  A “not raised right” kind of thing.  Should I always have to explain???  If I want to live without judgement it seems so, yes.

I am saddened and feel broken because I want to have normal confrontation with people.  I want to be able to go somewhere and laugh with everyone and relax without constantly thinking if I am saying something that, without their knowledge of my thinking, is terribly weird. I want to be able to handle a situation where I really like a person, without foolishly self sabotaging any realities.

I am emotionally detached to most everything.  People always say they have a tough time reading me and my intentions.  I think when you deal with extreme situations you react less.  I also have my own lessons I am going through with betrayal & trust, so I tend to keep most people at arm’s length away.  It might sound complicated and exhausting, but it isn’t really.  It’s like when people say “Oh my goodness how do you mentally handle having 2 autistic kids by yourself?”  and I always reply “It’s not harder, just different.”  Until you bring the judgement in.  Think of a person who is dyslexic. They just learn things a different way.  It’s not wrong, it’s just different.

So to that woman who is close to my daughter, know I have much respect for you.  To the woman who thinks I want her man, please believe me when I say I value you more than any man.  To the guy who is so awesome and I have let my mouth get in the way 2 incidents, I am sorry, I get so flustered when near you I can’t think when I talk.  (like the “I carried a watermelon” line in Dirty Dancing).  To everyone else, If you don’t get what I am saying or get shocked, ask me exactly what I mean.  I would gladly explain my thought process to prevent any issues.  I am a kind person and very generous and supportive, I just have a brick wall around me that I am working on tearing down.  In the meantime, feel free to paint it with flowers and fish to make it more approachable.

A Curbsideprophet

My Perfect Match Trait List.

We all start off with these ideas in our head of the perfect soul mate.   I actually have my trait list on my refrigerator.  I tend to do my most thinking while cooking and this way I can conclude possibilities with the list in my face.  My current list of traits for the “Perfect Man” (in random order) ~ Kind, Intelligent, Honest, Patient, Funny, Strong (not physically), Tall and Witty.

I asked a few people what they thought was most important for them to match with their soul mate.  A couple of people told me their “perfect match” has to be fit and athletic.  These two ladies are also Marathon/Exercise Gurus, of course that makes sense.  Common interests are a huge thing.  Intelligence came up.  It sure would be tough to make a strong relationship if you can’t communicate on the same level.  “A Man who knows what he wants” was said along with a “A Man who is over his ex & their issues”.

I laugh a lot and Witty remarks are the biggest turn on.  This has actually been a deal breaker for me.  Can’t Laugh then GO HOME!  No matter how long I have had “Tall” on my list it has NEVER happened.  I do realize that me being 5’9 makes the height requirement a task for half of the men out there.  When I end up “clicking” with someone, some things no longer matter.  Height seems to be the first one to go.

I see people who have “ideas” of what they want, but is it really attainable?  I do think people should shoot for the moon with whatever they want, I just don’t think you know what you want until you find it.  When you meet someone and there’s something there, your heart won’t deny that connection.  Now your head might though 🙂  I guess my whole thinking is that no matter what your “perfect match” traits are, always keep your prospective open wide.  You just never know.

My last relationship of over 2 years ended because trust was lost.  When you love someone, no matter how bad the hurt stuff hurts, the past never goes away.  I thought I could get over things, but a year later we were still in the same place.  Both trapped in a prison of restrictions.  Love wasn’t enough. You MUST have trust/honesty otherwise you are settling and sacrificing.  Maybe it’s just because I have no fears of being alone that I was able to let go, which by the way, was far from easy.  I do know of some people who stick it out.  For all sorts of reasons like that is all they know, they are scared to be alone, they don’t think they deserve anything better, or they are just plain stronger than me and can forgive AND forget.

I have no problem with forgiveness,  it’s the forgetting part that is rough for me.  I think it’s more of a natural defense mechanism I have.  Sure I forgive you, but I’m not going to put myself out there with you again.  I do think people deserve 2nd chances.  How else would we learn our lessons? However; when you get people who are repeating the same things over and over, I find it easiest to just write them off.  I don’t hate anyone, but I choose who I want to surround me.  Life is too short to be wrapped up in other people’s stuff the whole time.  My life is my own and I choose to live it for me, not anyone else.

I am finding that with my strength comes criticism.  Everyone likes to be liked.  If I was a guy there would be no second glances at my life.  I am a rare breed though.  A Strong, Sure of Herself, Smart Woman who stands tall looking life straight in the eye.  I deal with things immediately.  Wanting to move forward!  I am not looking for someone to complete me.  I am looking for someone to share their life with me. (and mine with them).  I know it feels good to be needed, but I’d rather be wanted.  Everyone has the strength within them.  You just have to Believe it to see it!! ❤ 🙂

I wish you perfect matches with infinite positive self worth

A CurbsideProphet


Natural Born Groupies!

My Elberta BNFF and I are making a reputation for ourselves.  I thought it was a good one, until last night.  I know I haven’t been to a “now days” concert.  ie Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers etc.  But I am pretty sure somebody there will have a sign that they made.  To say the one phrase that will separate them from all of the other fans for that evening.  Maybe even get personal validation from that of whom they love.  Also I think there is a big difference between a Concert and Show.  A Stadium/Hall vs. Bar/Club.  Just go with me here.

Well, last night I went to a “show” in a bigger “club”.  They had 2 opening acts followed by a headliner.  The place was awesome.  The most fabulous staff EVER!  I was probably one of the top 10 oldest people there. *blush*.  There was no age requirement this night.  It was full of Flannel shirts and PBR and some niiiiice looking country boys.  The first band, Gunnar and the Grizzly Boys freakin’ rawked! (Yes, Gunnar is his real name, I carded him after the show and fyi he is a Leo)  I have NEVER in my life seen country music played so passionately.  Every one was going wild, it was awesome!  It was music that you never had to have heard before and couldn’t stop from lovin’ it.

Next up was the band we were actually there to see.  Her and Kings County.  My BNFF from Elberta listens to the drummer on a podcast regularly and wanted to support his music.  His name is Brother Love aka Brolo.  So when the first band finished up we grabbed our home-made signs and started making our way towards the front for him be able to see.  While waiting, about 10 feet from the stage, we are surrounded but lots of younger people who I’d like to refer to as “8th graders”.  The band starts setting up, not playing just setting up, and when we see Brolo we scream and hold up our signs.  At this point I start to get yelled at from behind “put your signs away” “we paid for our tickets and we can’t see”.

Well I am a very kind and patient person, I have to be with 2 autistic kids. I turn around and assured those behind us that we know the drummer and just want him to see our signs and then we were leaving.  That we were not there for the headliner and we weren’t trying to ruin the musical experience they paid for as well.  I kindly reminded them that there was no music playing and we were trying to accomplish our task before it even started because as older women, being in the heart of the mosh pit isn’t cool for us.  So then I was told  “get rid of your signs” “we paid for our tickets” “you need to move”.  After they just repeated all of the problems I just offered solutions to. I then realized I was amongst 8th graders.

Please note, I was in 8th grade at one time.  In fact my parents didn’t like me then as much as I didn’t like them.  I however, was raised to respect my elders.  I also listened to resolution instead of constant banter with no purpose.  Anywho, so then this one little girl steps up to me & says “you need to move”.  Well I am 5’9 barefoot… and last night I was wearing 4 inch heels.  This little girl was about 5’2.  So I am trying not to laugh and trying to think of the best way to handle this.  All I can think of though is “Girl even without my sign, you won’t be able to see the stage”

After about 15 minutes of this I am just tired of hearing the shit.  This is supposed to be my break from kids.  I should be getting paid to stand here.  I leave my BNFF /Elberta to fend for herself, where later I find out they tried Ripping her sign but didn’t get very far with her fancy foot work.  My BNFF/Elberta has climbed Kilimanjaro.  Do they know how to spell Kilimanjaro, or know where it’s located?  Good Luck defeating a raging blond on a mission.

The rest of the night was lovely!  Met some great security people.  Met BOTH opening bands, got Autographs, pictures & a drum stick! Her & Kings County were the most gracious people.  ALL OF THEM.  Kind and witty and full of heart!  I would travel again to see them.  I highly recommend them as people and artists!  They truly are “living the dream”.  As far as my BNFF / Elberta and I go, After Jason Mraz, we seem to be unstoppable.  Even without duct tape, chloroform and Astronaut diapers.

Don’t forget to live your life, but be respectful while doing it!  Karma bites your ass hard 😉

A CurbsideProphet

“It is what it is” ~

I am so terribly behind in my Blog writing.  I have been putting all of my brilliant ideas down so I can catch up.  I am going to have to do these a little out-of-order since I need to deal with some issues at hand.

First of all, does Faithfulness exist?  Are the respect “lines” between friends different from the “lines” between acquaintances? I feel like I am in a lose / lose situation here.  As a resident of a small town there are slim pickings to begin with.  As for me personally, right now, I am not looking for a father for my kids or someone to hold my hand.  I am perfectly fine with how things are.

I do find all of the double standards amusing though.  Single guys can date whomever, talk to whomever, hang out with whomever. Then I come into town, not to steal anyones man or cause drama, but to just co-exist in this beautiful area.  I make my own opinions, refusing to hear the history of each resident and why I should “stay away”.  I ignore warnings that “That is ____’s ex boyfriend and I won’t talk with you (but sure as heck will talk ABOUT you) if you go party after hours with him.”  Seriously People?!?!

I find myself always treating people how I want to be treated.  It really isn’t that difficult.  I am NOT about to tie a bunch of imaginary chains around my actions because of things that happened before I even moved here.  I am not going to play the “games”.  I am me.  That’s all I got.  I try to be kind and respectful to most and I am very generous.

I’m noticing my generosity is always questioned as “What’s in it for her?”  “What does she want?”  “What is she trying to get out of it?”.  I can assure you, there are NO strings attached to my persona; again I am just trying to co-exist.  I accept everyone else flaws and all … as they are, knowing that’s all they can be.

Faithfulness: “1. Adhering firmly and devotedly, as to a person, cause, or idea; loyal.2. Engaging in sex only with one’s spouse or only with one’s partner in a sexual relationship.3. Having or full of faith.4. Worthy of trust or belief; reliable.5. Consistent with truth or actuality: a faithful reproduction of the portrait.”

One Man has been faithful to me while in a relationship.  He is an Angel now.  It really isn’t that difficult.  If you can’t stay faithful than don’t commit, hold onto, or waste anyone else’s life.  Make sure your intentions are known, out of respect.  If someone isn’t looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean they are bad.  I’m not looking.  My life isn’t exactly something someone can just jump right into.  It’s very restrictive and I wouldn’t want my baggage to tie anyone down.  I love my life.  Mother of two Amazing kiddos.  I have no expectations of anyone else coming into it though.

Even though I am not looking for anything serious, I still like to Mingle and have conversation and need a break from my reality.  We all need our outlets to just “be”.  Without being judged or ridiculed.  Step back and think”Hey I have never lived a day of their life and cannot even imagine where they are at, but it’s good to see them getting a break”.  We ALL deserve a break.  No matter how perfect things appear, we all have our shit.

I am begging all of you to embrace life.  “It is what it is” as my Friend Jesse always says! Check him out for awesome positive perspectives~!

Be kind to each other,

A CurbsideProphet

I’m taking each Day and Night at a time.

Today I have been dancing all day.  Music does feed your soul!  I feel like it was healing me.  Ironically,  songs were added to Hans’ memorial page.  (The higher power is taking care of me).  So all day I have been dancing while singing at the top of my lungs.  Since I’m in this place … I started working on the cds for my Birthday Party.  I just might be dancing the entire time!

Tonight Libellula my BNFF was hanging on the cliff.  So I start singing to her and playing all this music.  She remembers then how the songs makes her feel.  I then read to her a post that Hans’ sister put on facebook tonight.

“He would have loved the grand sendoff. I am still sad that he was taken from us way too early, and I am sure this will be hard for a long time, but WOW, what a life!… As we looked through his things to prepare for tonight, we understood a little bit more of who and what Hans was. AMAZING!!! From the cards he saved, to the pictures he took, to the t-shirts he saved, and everything in between, he made the most out of the short time he was here. I hope, if nothing else, we all take a little lesson from Hans. Life is short. Take advantage of the opportunities you have to enjoy the hell out of it. He sure did!!!”

I left her laughing and excited to go to her Grandfathers 87th birthday!  The song I shared at the top, is one from the Memorial page.  My kids and I had it on repeat for about an hour and were dancing ’til we dropped! (Remind me to thank Hans for wearing them out:) )

I’ve recently moved back to this small town and Man oh Man am I learning lessons!  LOL!!  The important things are what matter.. NOTHING ELSE.  To have a broader consciousness and not sweat the small stuff.  I’ve met 3 women who I respect!   I am so thankful to have found them. I am really proud of myself for being able to keep the “Bigger Picture” perspective. I can see how so many get caught up in the little things, but to me, it’s just not worth it.  I think I scare the men here… or should I say “I’m not what they are used to” lol!   It’s all harmless though 😉   A blog for a different day.

I wish all of you much laughter and snuggly hugs and most of all, the ability to “live” life.  To thank the higher power each morning and to not have fear or to put aside things you long for.  Life is short.  LIVE IT!

A CurbSide Prophet

Unanswered Questions

I have been unable to write, think, talk anything that wasn’t Hans the past few days.   I am struggling with a couple of things.  Questions that I will have to wait until we meet again to get the answers to.  I went through all of the emotions… I hope he knew I cared, I hope he has fond memories as I do, I hope he is happy, I hope he didn’t hurt long, I hope he wasn’t scared.  Then I go through all of my “should have’s”.  I should have moved back from Arizona sooner!  I should have kept in touch more, I should have visited more.  Then I find myself Angry, embarrassingly yelling at the higher power as I am driving, about how terrible it is to take the good ones.  The young ones.   The ones who can turn any situation into a fun one.  Our world needs more Hans’.   He was a walking Miracle!  I am a better person because of him.

I am devastated that I won’t be able to attend the funeral.   It isn’t easy at all to find last-minute Respite care for my kiddos.  I can always go visit the church later on and sit in his energy.  Those attending are probably the best group of people you could ever surround yourself with. Honoring a Man that was taken way too soon.  A kind soul that could make ANYONE laugh.

I am still in turmoil over some questions.  I know I already stated this above, I just can’t get past it.  How do you move on from that?  He’s probably in Heaven telling me to “Put on  burger King Crown and move forward”.  I would, but my heart hurts.  It’s so crazy, we were close TWENTY years ago!  Why am I responding this way?!?  Unfortunately my class has lost a dozen people already.  They were all very very sad, but I was able to maintain and push through.  I am in no way saying one life is more important than another, but this connection we had is making this so difficult for me.

I then wonder if he has anything from when we were together.  Did he keep anything?  Pictures, letters etc.  I am not close with his family.  Maybe someday I will ask them about it.  I feel so bad for his family.  I cannot even imagine how they keep going on.  They seem to be sticking together, being each others rocks.  Nothing can break something as strong as their love for him.  I wish I could do more.

Hopefully I can work through all of this and come back to blog about the answers to all of these questions.  In the mean time, it appears I am talking to myself a lot lately… lol.  I’m not though.  I am talking things out with him.  It is my truth that he is listening.

A CurbSide Profit

My Memories with Hans <3

My first High school boyfriend & first love passed away yesterday.  My heart is hurting.  It is so terrible that so many people from my generation are leaving this earth.  We are just too young to die!  It is really hitting me hard and making me want to tell everyone how much I appreciate them being in my life, so there is never any question.  I want to share some memories I have with this great Man.

He was the first Man to tell me that he loves me.  I was a freshman and he was a junior when we met and he would whistle at me all the time!  I’d get so embarrassed. We went to homecoming 1991 together.  For dinner I went with all of his older friends to the olive garden and it was non-stop laughing.  We had a race around the table in our chairs that had wheels on them.  Hans and a few of the other guys pretended to be waiters at other tables, and people fell for it because they were all dressed up.  He ordered the “Tour of Italy” platter and wanted me to try everything.

We would go to a lot of away games just so we could ride the bus together and play kissy face there and back.  I froze my ass off at many a soccer games!  It was so FUN!  We were in marching band / poms together and the crazy stuff that happened there I will take to the grave 😉  We went to the Bahamas together my sophomore year with the Marching Band.  I remember him sleeping in the middle of the aisle on the floor in the bus on the way to Florida and there was a toothpaste incident.

I wrote amazing poetry when we were together.  He was such a fabulous spark of life that could inspire anyone.  We took a lot of Moonlight walks.  It was our own world.  Everything else disappeared.  I remember always thinking he smelled so good and he would swear he wasn’t wearing anything (cologne) and it was the Tide his Mom washed his clothes in.  He loved “The Cars” and would always say “this song is for you, and this one and this one”.  Eventually giving me the CD and the ever popular “everything I do” by Bryan Adams,  that was “our song”, took a back seat to “Just what I needed” and “Since you’re gone”.  He wrote me a fabulous love letter than I ended up framing and hung up in my room.

I remember buying him the “Public Enemy” tape and he was SO EXCITED!  I would always steal his necklaces and wear them.  I remember him wearing one in a senior picture and I told him he better guard it 🙂  He was such a good trumpet player.  I hope he knows I cherished all of this with my whole heart.  That my best high school memories had him in them.  I had a lot of family crap in high school and he made all the bad go away.  Even though I was young, I know I really loved him.

It’s crazy that this was 20 years ago!

So today I think I need to spread the “appreciation” I have for those who have made me who I am today.  Maybe I will start with my 387 facebook friends.

I will Miss you Hans, but I am finding peace in the fact that now I can talk to you whenever I want.  xoxo

A CurbSide Prophet

A Shift in Energy?

The past 3 days have been crazy for me!  Talk about cramming life lessons!  I feel completely accomplished and organized.  I’m sitting good financially, mentally & Spiritually.

The other day  I got the GREATEST NEWS EVER!  My BNFF bought her plane ticket to come to my 34th birthday party!  I talk to her multiple times a day, but haven’t seen her since August.  She is the only one that gets my personality 100%.  Though living in a whole different realm than me, we are equals and always have been.  She is the most generous person I have ever met and she prides herself in Living with Integrity as much as I do.  I have so much respect for her and trust her unconditionally.

We met years ago in a small town in Michigan.  A town both of us came to during the summertime.  She was from Arizona and I was from Wisconsin.  13 years later we lived in the same town in Arizona.  Brought there by totally random coincidences.  The higher power really does surround us with the best people for living our life and learning our lessons.  I could talk about how fabulous she is for hours, but I won’t.  I am so excited to see her!

I have been away from home since 2001.  I know I just told you I grew up in Wisconsin, but this small town in Michigan has always been “home”.  It is magical here.  The most beautiful area.  Because this is my first birthday around family in 10 years I am having a BIG birthday Party!  I am inviting all my closest family and friends to my favorite watering hole, that I will be transforming into a mini Las Vegas ~ 1920’s/gangster style!  My kindred spirits are from all over the USA so a lot of people are really going out of their way to join me in this celebration and it has made me feel so Wonderful!  Truly Blessed.

I tend to remove myself from all of the “small town drama”.  I find myself in better company with those the age of my parents.  I appreciate people with a bigger perspective.  I truly accept humans for who they are, as they are,but I only surround myself with Kind souls with Big hearts.  To be completely surrounded by fabulous people while celebrating my birth is something I am really looking forward to!  If this sounds like you, please come and join me!

I wish you all a magical Thursday!

A CurbSide Profit

p.s. I still have non-friends looking for a carpool from Wisconsin and California for the party.  Let me know if you can help 😉

My Bad Days…

Today I am easily irritated and cranky.   I was going to avoid writing to spare you the negativity, but Libellula says now is a perfect time for me to explain my faults or “How I am broken”.   When I was younger, I would have TERRIBLE days.  Constant crying, zero control over my emotions.  It was about 7 days total, 2 times a month.

After I gave birth to my daughter, it was amplified x 1000.  It was hormone triggered, but not PMS.  I was told I had postpartum depression and was given a light anti-depressant.  All this did was put me to sleep and make me fat LOL.  I stopped taking it 3 months later. (Wanting to give it a fair shot).  The next 6 months were a roller coaster.  A new baby, my husband was a new Police Officer & I was a Million miles away from all of my friends and family.  I then got pregnant with my second child and the boost in hormones seemed to make everything go away again.  After my son was born the same things started up again, now adding anxiety and a constant overwhelming feeling.  I started the anti-depressant again. Six months later my daughter was diagnosed Autistic and they found a cyst near her pituitary gland in her brain while doing a MRI check for the neurologist.

You can say at this point that I have my hands full.  I tried a couple different antidepressants.  My husband started up on them also because of the “permanent stresses he had in his life”.  I just couldn’t figure it out.  My OB wanted to try me on different birth control pills with different hormone/estrogen  levels to see if that would tame the emotions.  Well 5 different birth controls didn’t fix anything.

In the meantime, I would destroy relationships if I spoke with anyone during these days.  I would be very mean and then cry uncontrollably.  I would over react at every situation.  I would get angry, feel helpless, lock myself in my house so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.  I was out of control.  The next thing I know it’s 2007, my kids are 4 and 3, I leave my husband, stop taking ALL birth control and make an appointment with the local behavior health clinic.

They think I have a chemical imbalance triggered by hormones.  She said it would be comparable to PMDD, but Much worse.  They started me on an anti-depressant and give me Anti Anxiety pills for the rough days. (These I call my “oh Shit” pills).  For the first time in my life I felt like I was in control.  I could tell you the  exact days that my “bad days” were going to happen, only they were mild!.  I would make appointments with my doctor for my “bad days” so they could see the drastic difference.  I then dropped my “as needed” Anxiety pills and started taking Maca Root, a natural hormone.  Once in my system I am all better!  TOTAL CONTROL OF MY LIFE!.  NO BAD DAYS!  It was amazing.  I was just given the greatest gift!

This imbalance seems to be hereditary.  A handful of my cousins have the EXACT same symptoms and are mentally where I was years ago.   A few are now on the same treatment and are doing great!  It is a miracle that I have control and that I am not alone… although, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.

The most important thing I have learned, is never be afraid to get help.  It doesn’t make you weak, only stronger.  It is the greatest gift you can give your family.

Take care of yourself

A Curbside Profit