Unanswered Questions

I have been unable to write, think, talk anything that wasn’t Hans the past few days.   I am struggling with a couple of things.  Questions that I will have to wait until we meet again to get the answers to.  I went through all of the emotions… I hope he knew I cared, I hope he has fond memories as I do, I hope he is happy, I hope he didn’t hurt long, I hope he wasn’t scared.  Then I go through all of my “should have’s”.  I should have moved back from Arizona sooner!  I should have kept in touch more, I should have visited more.  Then I find myself Angry, embarrassingly yelling at the higher power as I am driving, about how terrible it is to take the good ones.  The young ones.   The ones who can turn any situation into a fun one.  Our world needs more Hans’.   He was a walking Miracle!  I am a better person because of him.

I am devastated that I won’t be able to attend the funeral.   It isn’t easy at all to find last-minute Respite care for my kiddos.  I can always go visit the church later on and sit in his energy.  Those attending are probably the best group of people you could ever surround yourself with. Honoring a Man that was taken way too soon.  A kind soul that could make ANYONE laugh.

I am still in turmoil over some questions.  I know I already stated this above, I just can’t get past it.  How do you move on from that?  He’s probably in Heaven telling me to “Put on  burger King Crown and move forward”.  I would, but my heart hurts.  It’s so crazy, we were close TWENTY years ago!  Why am I responding this way?!?  Unfortunately my class has lost a dozen people already.  They were all very very sad, but I was able to maintain and push through.  I am in no way saying one life is more important than another, but this connection we had is making this so difficult for me.

I then wonder if he has anything from when we were together.  Did he keep anything?  Pictures, letters etc.  I am not close with his family.  Maybe someday I will ask them about it.  I feel so bad for his family.  I cannot even imagine how they keep going on.  They seem to be sticking together, being each others rocks.  Nothing can break something as strong as their love for him.  I wish I could do more.

Hopefully I can work through all of this and come back to blog about the answers to all of these questions.  In the mean time, it appears I am talking to myself a lot lately… lol.  I’m not though.  I am talking things out with him.  It is my truth that he is listening.

A CurbSide Profit

4 responses to “Unanswered Questions

  1. You may not get those questions answered but you knew him. And although I did not your belief in his goodness means you got to experience a soul that not all can. You may not have the answers but you have the memories…and one day you can thank him for tonight’s Super Bowl win and then sit down for a long talk over a cup of coffee:) I LOVE YOU!!

  2. Your heart hurts because the [possibility of being close to him again here on earth is a closed door. But the open door is, you will see him again. Death hurts and it sounds like you are half way through the 7 stages of grief. Hang on to the good memories and don’t play the what if game. ♥ You’ll have your time with him again and the higher power is used to us yelling at him and being angry. This too shall pass.

  3. Sandie Talbot (hosed)

    You should know (if you don’t already) that Hans’s uncle read your original blog post about Hans as part of his eulogy. Brought everyone to laugh and cry… your words were therapeutic to all. So “you” were definitely there. Thank you.

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