“I carried a Watermelon?!?!?”

Since mid 2007 I have lived with my two autistic children only.  My life is restricted and my adult interaction is limited.  My children would never look at me when we spoke to each other, if we spoke to each other at all.    Here, almost four years later, I have a terrible time at keeping eye contact during my newer found freedom.  When you talk to people for so long without visual acknowledgment, you get used to not looking at the person not looking at you.  Then when a person is giving me their full attention, I find it difficult to keep looking and I turn away.

I also have a difficult time saying what I mean.  I speak only truth, but it is mistaken MOST of the time.  I feel socially handicapped.  I say the most random messed up things and if I am unable to explain myself and my thought process at that time, I am just viewed as this Lady who is a little bit off.  It sucks when I find compatibility with people, and enjoy their company,  only for them to walk away with the assumption I am missing some sandwiches in my picnic basket.  Maybe all of my Solitude has made me part Autistic…. Having the traits I mean.

It’s very similar as to when I take my kids out in public.  They appear to look like any normal child with no “visual” differences as opposed to Downs syndrome etc.  So then when my son has a melt down in the middle of an isle at a store I can either 1. Try to explain he is autistic – for then people are more understanding.  Or 2. I can have the whole world roll their eyes and me and say “if that were my kid he wouldn’t be acting this way”  because obviously it is the parents fault when a child misbehaves in social settings.  A “not raised right” kind of thing.  Should I always have to explain???  If I want to live without judgement it seems so, yes.

I am saddened and feel broken because I want to have normal confrontation with people.  I want to be able to go somewhere and laugh with everyone and relax without constantly thinking if I am saying something that, without their knowledge of my thinking, is terribly weird. I want to be able to handle a situation where I really like a person, without foolishly self sabotaging any realities.

I am emotionally detached to most everything.  People always say they have a tough time reading me and my intentions.  I think when you deal with extreme situations you react less.  I also have my own lessons I am going through with betrayal & trust, so I tend to keep most people at arm’s length away.  It might sound complicated and exhausting, but it isn’t really.  It’s like when people say “Oh my goodness how do you mentally handle having 2 autistic kids by yourself?”  and I always reply “It’s not harder, just different.”  Until you bring the judgement in.  Think of a person who is dyslexic. They just learn things a different way.  It’s not wrong, it’s just different.

So to that woman who is close to my daughter, know I have much respect for you.  To the woman who thinks I want her man, please believe me when I say I value you more than any man.  To the guy who is so awesome and I have let my mouth get in the way 2 incidents, I am sorry, I get so flustered when near you I can’t think when I talk.  (like the “I carried a watermelon” line in Dirty Dancing).  To everyone else, If you don’t get what I am saying or get shocked, ask me exactly what I mean.  I would gladly explain my thought process to prevent any issues.  I am a kind person and very generous and supportive, I just have a brick wall around me that I am working on tearing down.  In the meantime, feel free to paint it with flowers and fish to make it more approachable.

A Curbsideprophet