Today is the day.

Today is the day I get up & regroup.  Today I finally had that black cloud disappear and was ready to open myself back up to the world.  Which ironically, outside the sky is black and it’s thundering.  Maybe I pushed it outside from within.  The rain is washing away the pain and sadness and I am welcoming it.

One of my habits is I rearrange furniture.  A constant tweaking of Zen.  It used to be weekly but has become less.  I deep clean and purge anything nonessential.  I find that while I do this with material things it also cleanses me from within.  I still feel the depression that has been thriving on my every thought the past week, BUT I am phasing it out.  Taking control.  Some might say I have always had control, but I would disagree.  I think my bad days are a time where I am faced with the darkest fears & feelings and it is my continuous battle of endurance to make it out stronger than before.

You’d think that after 22 years I would have this process down and be able to avoid any inner turmoil.  For me, this is how the creator has made me and I embrace all of me good and bad.  After 22 years though I am able to consciously rise above my emotions and ask myself “Do I really feel this way?”  “I don’t think this is how I feel but rather a side effect of my dark friend who is visiting.”  That is one of my greatest achievements.  Being able to separate myself mentally from my emotions to evaluate the reality of my emotions & turmoil.  Then it’s just a waiting game until the storm passes.  Until it does, the tears constantly flow and my inner rage burns.

I used to blog and write often.  I’m not sure why I stopped.   It feels good to get things out.  Not so much for people to read but to organize my head through thoughts.  I wish you all a lovely rest of your weekend and hope you feel the calm/peaceful effect that the sound of the rain outside is bringing to me.

 

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