I am giving myself permission.

My friends have cancer.  Yes “Friends”, with an S.  I have felt helplessness like this before.  When my children were diagnosed with Autism.  It has been 4 months since the first friend was diagnosed and 1 month later the second friend.  The whirlwind of emotions has completely broken me down.  Variables aside, I have felt guilty to feel “bad”.  After all, I am not the one who has cancer (knock on wood).  This ISN’T about me.  What right do I have to be upset, torn apart on the inside & angry?  What right do I have to feel sorry for myself?  I just have to watch, I don’t have to live it.

My friends are amazing.  We’ve all known each other for over 20 years and really support each other.  There were also periods when we went our separate ways to conquer our dreams and experience our chosen life paths, but then as soon as we reconnected…it was all the same.  Picked up right where we left off.

Here’s the deal, and maybe the whole reason behind me writing this.  I am giving myself permission to feel bad.  I am acknowledging my pain and I am going to feel all the feelings I have been ashamed of because I’m not the one physically going through it.

WOE IS ME WORLD!  My friends have cancer and it sucks!  I am sad and I am heartbroken.  I am so freaking mad I cannot support them more than our situations provide.  I am mad about 100 other variables with people around them, who are so scared themselves and are hurting people while trying to control an uncontrollable situation.  I am furious that one of my friends was actually told she didn’t have cancer & then less than a week later she gets a call and says “oops we made a mistake, we didn’t have the right report”.

My friends are phenomenal people.  They are mothers and sisters and leaders and friends.  They are my friends.  My tribe, when my life wasn’t pretty & they never abandoned me.  They are the truth tellers in my journey when I needed to hear the hard things.  They are my cheering squad in my small accomplishments that the rest of the world never saw.  They are the foundation and roots of the village that helped me become the Integrity Mastering, Super Momma that I am today!

I am upset, I am scared and I am pouring all my love their way.

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