I feel like I am constantly rediscovering myself. And yet, HOW MANY TIMES can one rediscover themselves? My mind is swirling with so many thoughts.
*Betrayal trauma issues going back to when I was 12.
* Am I really a good mom? I only hold myself to my standards- but are my standards too much?
* I don’t have space for people’s brokenness when they aren’t willing to help themselves.
*My contentment with being alone is maybe too content.
*I hate Money.
* Even I mess up, and I am owning that.
* Social Media is the devil.
*Balance is hard but necessary
* Am I creating boundaries or avoiding shit. – or both.
*I am protective with my energy & what I am up to dealing with.
Then it all comes down to me REALLY wanting to be a good person but not knowing how to get the puzzles pieces to fit. How to make life make sense. How to run my business and protect my mental health. How to be okay with not understanding the world around me.
What does God want me to do?
What is my purpose?
What difference am I making?
I feel like I am not really living on the same plane as everyone else. That I am in some parallel universe where the rules are different and co-existing with this other plane is a mind tornado. When I was younger I met a family who claimed they were from a different planet. Who was I to say they weren’t? I imagine this is how it would feel like.
Today let’s just talk about WHO I allow in my space.
Every human has their own obstacles and life lessons and journies. As much as I would LOVE to have lifelong friendships, I see clearly that each relationship has its season. Especially when I am trying to grow and others may be complacent or stuck.
I was stuck for years. I know that struggle. I am not shaming people for being stuck or thinking I am better than them, I am just on a different path. I am unable to focus with distractions that keep me at a standstill. I feel my Life clock ticking and I still have so much to do. I can love people and let them go. I can evolve into someone with different priorities, beliefs and goals that redirect my journey without being the bad guy.
Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes the common links that hold people together change and we take different turns. I remember in high school I was on the Poms Squad. I moved away my Junior year and when I came back my senior year, I was no longer accepted in that group. I was even shamed for wearing my Pom jacket to a football game. A jacket that was absolute HELL for my Mom and I to find the $ to buy, but that’s a whole different story.
Did I do anything wrong? No. I just moved away. I wasn’t in the group anymore. We took different roads. Did they do anything wrong? No. They were together EVERY SINGLE DAY working towards a common goal and had the same priorities.
Change is often difficult. – For me, I find peace in change. I have surrendered that I have zero control & I’m just trying to be Holy Spirit led.
Maybe this is a midlife crisis and I am trying to learn & become as if there is a deadline so it’s easier for me to move forward with or without people. Maybe I just prefer being alone.
I am trying. Trying to be better than I was yesterday. Trying to understand. Trying to forgive and extend grace. Trying to be so incredibly & most times uncomfortably honest. Trying to keep my mouth shut when there is no resolution. Trying to own ALL of my mistakes. Trying to learn from all of my Karma and tell my ego to shut its mouth.
Today is a new day.