In my past life ~ (The job of 7 years that I just left) I would email my people once a week with a “Five FriYay Favs!” Sharing the top 5 things during that week. A grateful heart trumps so many yucks when it comes to your mind so there is no reason I cannot keep doing that ~ only with a different audience… YOU! And a different Day! We can call it SunYay! Which is pleasantly appropriate since I am “Sunshine Tiffany”.
Here it goes:
I am thankful that even though the prices at the grocery store are making me cringe, I can still afford to feed my family.
I am thankful for my diffuser that I swear has some mystical depression-buster ambiance that can turn my day around & just heal my soul at its core when I am struggling. (Currently Diffusing Watermelon, Red Berries.)
I am thankful for a surprise trip happening this weekend – A last-minute get-away with my husband before the kids go back to school!
And Lastly, I am thankful for the rain. The farmers here desperately need it after weeks of heat advisories and honestly, it also nurtures me from the inside out.
My children are so creative. Trin is a published author and Pres is on his way! Autism won’t stop them from being incredibly talented. Here is a script Preston wrote including the characters they play with daily. He is funny and clever and so aware of the world around him. Enjoy! oxox
(We see a beautiful vibrant meadow filled with flowers of all colors only for a lot of big paw prints to rapidly trample over the meadow making it into a gloomy forest.) (We cut to another scene where we slowly get close to a nice vacation home in Russia.)
Pippi: ah~ this is a lovely vacation home.
Bigwig: Yeah, despite almost freezing my tail off this is a really nice and warm house. (Immediately cut to Ord slamming the door wide open with bags of food.)
Ord: Anybody in here want some Whoppers from Burger King?
Everyone: Yay!
(Suddenly the power went out of the house.) (Mickey lights a match to see in the dark.)
Mort: Uh..what just happened?
Fiver: AHHH! I’M SCARED OF THE DARK!!!
Bigwig: Fiver be quiet. I’m sure it’s just a power outage.
Mickey: Well Somebody has to fix the power outside. (Everyone looks at Mr. Nelson who’s busy picking his nose to not notice a thing)
(Cut to outside where they force Mr. Nelson to fix the power much to Mr. Nelson’s dismay.)
Mort: I hope mister monkey can fix the lights soon.
Fiver: Yeah, any longer we’re in the dark and I’ll pass out from panicking!
Bigwig: I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET!
(Fiver zips his lips as everyone huddled towards Pippi.)
Pippi: I know this place isn’t the type of place you would expect from a normal vacation home but won’t it be nice after staying here for almost a week we’ll be taking a real vacation in the worldly acclaimed New York City!
Pippi: Just imagine all the fun things that we could do once we get there!
Mickey: Like go shopping!
Fiver: Going to see broadway productions!
Mickey: Don’t you mean musicals?
Fiver: Yes that’s what I meant!
Bigwig: I want to get in fights with everyone in the city!
Mort: Bigwig that’s terrible!
Bigwig: Well what was your wish? To marry the Statue of Liberty?
Mort: No!…………yes.
Ord: My wish is to see the big apple that everyone’s talking about in New York.
Bigwig: Should I tell him?
Fiver: No, just let him have his fun.
Mort: What about you’re dream Pippi?
Pippi: My dream is to make everyone happy on this vacation.
Everyone: AAAAWW (Just then the power went back on only for them to feel an earthquake just outside the house) (Pippi and the others looked outside the window only to find impossibly giant black cats trying to cook Mr. Nelson over a fire like a goose.)
Bigwig: Oh no the lazy monkey is being cooked alive!
Pippi: No one messes with my friends, even if some of my friends are more reliable than others. (Pippi crashed out of the window and lifted up the big black cats.)
Pippi: Looks like you two need a bath asap! (Pippi threw the cats into the cold water where they were soaking wet and were so scared of her they ran off without their dinner.) (Pippi noticed that the fire had already been put out due to Mr. Nelson being so scared that he wet himself.)
Pippi: Looks like it’s finally time to go to New York after I give you a new change of clothes. (Mr. Nelson felt guilty but at the same time happy that Pippi was disgusted.)
(Cut to a ship leaving for New York and a line of passengers lined up to be on it.)
Mort: Wow, are we going to ride in that big fat ship?
Mickey: Well we had limited options to travel since Fiver gets airsick-
Fiver: Hey! It was because of the peanuts they served on the plane!!
Bigwig: Yeah right.
Mickey: -and all of us can’t fit in a train at the same time, not to mention the incident that occurred there-
Bigwig: That one time Ord decided to eat Taco Bell for the first time, the whole train smelled like farts for days!
Ord: What?
Fiver: Nothing!
Mickey: -That’s why the boat is our only option.
Pippi: ahh~ sailing the seas, charting the world, and exploring to our hearts’ content, reminds me of sailing with my father out in the ocean. (after the gang got their tickets they decided to stay in a room down below for tonight.)
Bigwig: You know, it was the fifth time those cats showed up at our old place back in Russia.
Fiver: I’ve heard some rumors that the population of cats in New York is down to none!
Bigwig: Fiver the only people who believe in rumors like that are flea-infested rats!
Bigwig: No offense Mickey
Mickey: None taken hot head.
Bigwig: WHY YOU LITTLE!! (Fiver and Mort restrain Bigwig from trying to attack Mickey) (When everybody calmed down they all decided to take a well night’s sleep)
Fiver: Ahh~ these pillows are so comfy! I wonder what brand are these?
Ord: I think those pillows are created for this ship.
Fiver: Really? What’s the ship called?
Ord: Uhh the Titanic the second?
Fiver: Ahh~ Titanic the second….. (Fiver’s eyes are suddenly open wide.)
Fiver: TITANIC THE SECOND!?!!? (The ship suddenly started shaking causing everyone to wake up)
Fiver: The ship is going to sink!
Bigwig: Come on Fiver even though it is called the Titanic the second they must have learned from their mistakes and are safer than the last one.
Speaker: Attention passengers the captain was busy playing Angry birds on the toilet and crashed the ship into an iceberg. Please report to the top of the boat where you’ll depart on smaller boats. Have a nice trip! (Everyone started panicking except for Bigwig and Pippi.) (Pippi whistled for their attention)
Pippi: Don’t worry guys, when I was with my father we had sunk a lot of ships and luckily we made it to a small boat just in time. All we have to do is to listen to what the speaker said and go to a boat. (Pippi and the others went to the top of the boat where lots of people are getting on boats) (Mort was having a hard time catching up to them until he slipped in a puddle and started sliding into the storm.)
Mort: AAAAAAAHH! Help meeee!
Pippi: Oh no I shouldn’t leave a friend behind! Mr. Nelson, hold on to the backpack I’m going to save mort.
Ord: Pippi Nooo! (Pippi was trying to look for Mort in the storm until she saw mort tangled up in the ropes of the mast)
Mort: Heeeeelp!
Pippi: Don’t worry Mort I’ll save you! (Pippi climbed up the rope until she almost lost her grip until Ord and the others helped her up!) (Even Mr. Nelson was helping by dressing up like a cheerleader.) (Once they reached Mort at the top of the mast it was too late to go back down as a huge wave was about to wash them off the boat!)
I made her this pillow and today, at 2o years old, she still sleeps with the fabric of it.
I called the pediatrician, who we had just seen at Trinity’s 2-year wellness check, and asked what I should do. He had me schedule an immediate appointment to come in and discuss my concerns. As we were talking I just felt pissed and mad at the world. I had been to the doctor’s office with Trinity 7 or 8 times already and I was led to believe that everything was fine. So when I called I said something like “Hi I was just there a couple weeks ago and everything was fine, but my family thinks something is wrong with my daughter. Should she be talking yet?!” It made me angry and made me feel like I was already failing her.
The doctor referred us to a pediatric neurologist for an MRI and an EEG. While we were there they asked if it appeared that she was having seizures and I wasn’t sure. She was in her own world a lot of times and was “zoned out”. The EEG was awful. We brought her in sleep deprived and then they mildly sedated her, only there is no way to get anything in Trin’s mouth without a syringe AND that doesn’t mean it will stay in there. They tried diluting the anesthesia with chocolate syrup and she still hated it. It was over an hour of her thrashing and us trying until she finally fell asleep. They put sensors all over her head and I remember just looking at her and thinking “it was just a week ago I thought she was a flawless little girl and now she looks like some terribly sad story you read in a magazine.”
The pediatric neurologist had a 9-month waiting list. At the time, you could do almost nothing without a diagnosis from one. Until we were able to get in I was guided to an early intervention program within our community. They had a special-ed preschool for 2-4-year-olds.
I went to the intake meeting with teachers and staff and was so lost. It truly felt like it was me versus 5 people and I was there just to be told what was going to happen and what I was supposed to do. The teacher said during this time “I find children your daughter’s age want to impress adults and we should have her on our schedule in no time. We will listen to each other and grow.” This is the first time I opened my mouth about my daughter in an IEP setting meeting and I said “that sounds lovely, but she doesn’t talk at all, so she may not understand what impresses you.” The teacher looked me straight in the face and said “maybe I need to shut my big fat mouth until I hear what your daughter is all about first.” I respected her so much for that.
#ThursdayAutismAwareness I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday. I have 21 years of experience.
I am on the other side of some rough days. Over the past few days, I have been shown many things about toxic positivity and avoiding pain. (I will share a link below to a fantastic article from another blogger), but I had another “Tiffany Ephiphany!”
I had the most “AH-HA!” moment while reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book “Forgive what you can’t forget.”
“At some point, we need to stop imagining the way things “should be” so much that we can’t acknowledge what it is. You can only heal what you are willing to acknowledge is real.”
And it dawned on me, that not only have I been denying myself from “feeling” for a super long time, I’ve been caught up in how things SHOULD HAVE BEEN. What SHOULD have happened. How I SHOULD have been treated. What they SHOULD have done.
Feeling the Feelings
Yes, I have my bad days – REALLY bad days, but then I suppress the feelings and move forward.
I’m fine, I’m moving on.
I don’t have time or energy to deal with this, I’m over it.
I forgive them, the pain will fade eventually
God will take care of it.
I am going to focus on all the things I am thankful for.
I had to, I have responsibilities, kids, work, friends, and people who look to me to “Be The Sunshine.” It reminded me of Robin Williams. He was so full of Joy, always smiling and the light for millions of people. Yet inside had vast amounts of pain.
I have never just sat in my pain and felt it without distractions or interruptions. As my mom says, there is a little girl inside me who just needs to hear that her feelings are valid and allow her to grieve and feel that pain inside my body as long as she needs, to get it out.
All of this is so messed up because I am the FIRST one to tell my friends to FEEL what they are going through! Let it out! Work through the Emotional Scale. Unpack that baggage, your ticket is refundable and you need to work through this!
My Husband & I sat down with the kids and told them that Momma had some bad things happen in her life a long time ago and in order for me to properly heal, I need to face that sadness/anger/fear. This means, that over the next few weeks I may be crying or lost in thought, but it has NOTHING to do with them and it won’t last forever.
What Should have happened
Well, It DIDN’T! Nothing more to say about it, or think about it, or get mad about it.
End. Of. Story.
So cheers to healing and keeping the tissue companies in business.
I was challenged to try and separate the painful moments from the beautiful moments in each situation.
In the first cycle – I was young. I don’t remember much honestly and the things I do remember were shaming and alcohol-infused. Or trumped by a whole other war that was happening at the same time. I tried talking to my husband about this, but I ended up angry with lots crying. I felt robbed that I could NOT think of anything “good” during the first 13 years of my life with this person. A person I was supposed to be able to trust. A person who should have put me ahead of so many things. A person who SHOULD have chosen me. A person I could never be good enough for. A person who would meanly “tease” me and make me feel stupid. Who would laugh when others were cruel. A person who was so distracted by booze and being cool and material things – Who couldn’t be bothered by the emotions of a young girl.
In the second cycle, I remember striving for acceptance. Giving my all to make someone proud. Doing whatever I could to achieve the level that would help them rise and then a cloud of resentment or something engulfed me. Little things here and there that weren’t right. I was confused “Isn’t this what you wanted?” I finally decided to make space between us. Then I made the space bigger. Eventually, when the space became apparent I was outcasted on her end. Again, I don’t remember anything good. I remember a constant “was I a disappointment?” “What did I fail to do now?” I was a scapegoat for the most insane things. My best was wrong and always needed to be tweaked.
It’s like that song lyric “looking for love in all the wrong places”. I just wanted to belong. First, in a place where I should have been fully accepted and supported – and then in a group that I strived to make proud.
I clearly have issues with abandonment and betrayal. So many didn’t want me around. They wanted what I could do for them. I remember in 3rd grade there was a constant battle between 2 girls and all the rest of us would pick a side. I literally said outside during recess while sitting on a snowbank “You can use me so you have more people than her”.
Today, I have maybe 2 adult friendships where I don’t question their motives for friendship. I trust they won’t throw me under a bus or hide things from me. It’s a beautiful, broken, messy, honest journey we share. We can be the ugliest versions of ourselves without fear of being shamed or discarded. A friendship where we have nothing to gain but truthful confessions, honest sounding boards, and love. So much love. I know this is 2 more than most people have and I count my blessings I assure you.
Have you noticed when you don’t learn a lesson, it tends to repeat itself? Last month I had a HUGE revelation that within the job I left, I was actually repeating a lesson from my past. Like a HUGE, Painful, Life altering, Mess me up for decades afterward – life experience.
*I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with my job itself. I loved my job, I loved my team, and I love the owners still. And who knows, maybe at some point the Lord will draw me back under different circumstances.
Moving on… You see, I forgave all of the people that this pain stems from.
(FYI: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) The people who brought pain, betrayal, and shame into my life were only being who they were capable of being because of their own life experiences and traumas. But I still have triggers that bring that pain back to the surface and so it had me thinking that I did it wrong. Did I REALLY forgive them? Why can’t I let go enough to never experience that hurt, pain & darkness again?
Then, when that pain resurfaces I resort to bitterness. Replaying the situation in my head looking for proof I wasn’t a terrible human, or was I? Repenting to the Lord above if I ever made anyone feel the way I felt at that moment, I am truly sorry. Asking for mercy to take it all away. Next, I start to question everyone around me. To say I have trust issues is the understatement of the millennia. It has been my truth that EVERYONE around me is playing both sides. I can’t trust anyone and so I start to downward spiral, feeling alone and worthless and would be better off dead. I deserve this pain.
This has been the cycle since I was 13 years old. Here I am 45 and just replayed the ENTIRE cycle in a different situation with different people, but with ALL the same key factors.
ENOUGH!
People have been asking how I could just walk away while I was on top? My team was strong.
I am breaking the cycle. I am choosing to remove myself from something that has been internally destroying me.
The “End” is this:
The End of “staying” because if I leave I am weak.
The End of an abundance of shame and self-loathing because I am not who people want me to be or not to be ~ or I am not wanted when shining at my best or deep in my bad days.
The End of living a life in stagnant fear – A life God blessed me with that I should be doing so much more.
I love writing letters. I think that is why I loved my old job ~ Being able to jot a thank you note on a pretty piece of paper and pray over it that it will bring joy for a moment. I love stationary and fun colored pens and pencils. I love putting good out into the world!
One thing I’ve noticed this year is that I too am now getting a certain type of snail mail regularly. For Life insurance! AHH! with “Guaranteed Acceptance if ages 45-85” In bold print – ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Maybe because I might be too frail and old to be able to see it OR because they really want me to know I’m in!
I am thankful they are looking out for my family and children, but –
I. Am. NOT. Ready.
This Momma is struggling with aging.
I continue reading this offer and it says “We have friendly representatives who’ll answer your questions” — As opposed to all the unfriendly representatives I’ve had to deal with prior to 45? Is there an unwritten rule that they must be kind to me because I’m old? I personally have always taught my children to respect their elders – but I thought most of the world was over that.
The last thing that made me ponder was …
“When you reach age 120, your insurance will end with payment of the FULL BENEFIT TO YOU”
So then I go to google – because REALLY!?!?
“Do people live to be 120 years old?”
Google tells me “The person with the longest lifespan on record was a French woman named Jeanne Calment; she lived to be 122 years and 164 days old. Today, the world’s oldest living person is 118-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan.”
My husband is the poker player, but I don’t think those are very good odds.
My daughter Trinity was born on January 16th, 2002 at 12:34 pm. As I held my daughter for the first time and saw a perfect little bundle of joy I couldn’t help, but imagine what it was going to be like as a first-time Mom. I couldn’t wait to buy her a tutu and take her to dance class or to paint her nails and talk about love. All I had ever wanted in life was to be a Mom and I was excited that it was about to begin.
Since Trinity was my first child it never occurred to me that she wasn’t acting “normal”. I thought she was the best creation on earth, perfect in every way, and I did what I thought everyone was supposed to do. I breastfed, made all of her baby food from scratch, read to her every day, took her to mentally stimulating places like the park and the zoo, and made sure she received all her immunizations. I sat back and smiled as she learned to laugh, and even say “Mum Mum” and “ba ba” at six months of age.
Then one day she changed. She didn’t want to play “with” me. She had nothing more to say, she was far away in another world. She didn’t seem unhappy, just “somewhere” else. At this point, I still wasn’t alarmed. I just assumed it was another stage. Maybe she was watching angels in the corner or while staring at the ceiling fan she was half in Heaven and half on earth. I found it peaceful and majestic. I thought she was taking in a great new world and absorbing all the minor details in wonderment.
Then one day my mother says to me “I think something is wrong. I think you should ask her doctor about her milestones.” It’s one of those moments in life when you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing, wearing, and eating. I was in Arizona on the back patio of my parent’s winter getaway house. Mom had bought a huge pot of Beautiful Geraniums. It was what we were talking about before she brought it up. Trinity was twirling in the grass nearby.
I sat in silence, tears running down my face. I knew if my Mom was saying it, it had to be true. Later that week I found out my Mom isn’t’ the only one who thought something was wrong. My mother-in-law had sent my husband at the time information regarding Aspergers. I believe she wasn’t quite sure of how to bring it up to me I suppose. I’m not sure how I felt about that exactly, but I do know a woman’s child is something she would fight tigers for, and in a situation like this, you don’t want to say “I think your kid, that has become your whole world, is broken.” Today I embrace her for trying to help gently by talking with her son. Her heart is always in the right place, but at that time I was too overwhelmed with how my entire existence could possibly change.
#ThursdayAutismAwareness I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday. I have 21 years of experience.
I wander through this "waiting period", sharing life blips, autism testimonies, self discovery processes and growth inspirations ~
Until the Lord lets me know what I am to do next, I would love a cup of coffee.
acurbsideprophet 