Category Archives: depression

My Autism Story, Part 8 – The Ugly Nobody Talks About.

Posted on September 8, 2022 | Leave a comment
They understood each other.

Today I want to share a passage I wrote while I was in the trenches. Please know I would not change my children for the world. They are EXACTLY who God created them to be. This was a time in my life that I was struggling and lost and felt so very alone. While the rest of my friends and cousins my age were out building empires and getting degrees, I was trying to find my footing in a world that didn’t know how to help. I wasn’t able to get a babysitter, go out with friends, or leave the house. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I am just trying to bring awareness. Maybe you have been here. Maybe you have felt guilty for having feelings like these. It’s okay, friend. I’ve been there too.

~~~~~~~~~~ You may want tissues, I cried while typing.

Autism SUCKS! It is inconvenient, socially inappropriate, and INTENSE. As a parent, it was heartbreaking to me at first. It put a HUGE toll on & ended my already broken marriage.

Now, being a “parent” meant more than putting your kids first. It meant stopping your whole “YOU” to dedicate every single second, yes second… to a person who won’t look at you, can’t talk to you, and has no awareness of anything around them. A person YOU CREATED – with no acknowledgment of your hard work. No progress to “report”. Nobody around you understands. There is no way for anyone to even comprehend. Unless you are physically “in the trenches”, pouring your soul into that what you love most & seeing almost no results.

I am mad. I am bitter and angry and have resentment towards EVERY SINGLE PERSON who isn’t in my shoes.

  • I am mad that Dad gets to leave the house and go to work. Or skip out on most of his “visitation days” to start dating again, while I am locked in my damn apartment trying to stay sane.
  • I am bitter that my friends have vanished. They are busy with playgroups and swim lessons and all the things we can’t effin’ do because just leaving the house puts my kids into a frenzied whirl that will affect us for days.
  • I am furious that “family” cannot handle my children or who I’ve become while in the trenches. “It’s a culture shock” “It’s too much” “You are mentally unstable.”
  • I am jealous (REALLY REALLY JEALOUS) that relatives are all having kids too, and they are all healthy ~ Reaching milestones, and getting to enjoy all the “firsts” that I don’t even know will ever come for me.

I feel like I am being punished. Why me?! Why not her? Her family has money to get more support than I have. Why not him? He did all sorts of crazy shit growing up that may inflict bad genes.

What did I do so wrong to have my life’s freedom stripped away so intensely that I cannot even go get a cup of coffee? Why do I have to watch my son scream with anger and hold him down so he doesn’t hurt himself or us – just because he couldn’t get toys to stack the way he wanted? Why does this feel like a life sentence?? I love my children with my entire being and my love isn’t enough. I cannot make the anger stop. I cannot get the screaming to stop. I cannot get the … Autism… to stop.

So on top of all this loathing – let’s bring on the judgment of the “Experts”.

Every single Autistic person is different, and the world does not even know what causes autism or the best way to “handle it.” ( I say that rolling my eyes). Our house was Grand Central Station with therapists, case workers, etc… All wanting to try things that “might work”. Me saying: “Yes, we will try anything.” because I had fear within that the one thing I didn’t try would be the “cure” to it all. Pretty soon you’ve got an exhausted Momma on anti-depressants who cried alone regularly.

One day I was sitting at the dining room table looking at the list of people who were supposed to come that day for the kids and I just closed my eyes. I was at the end. I was way past overwhelmed and struggling to maintain. This wasn’t me being a good Mom. This was me doing what society says I should, at all costs for my children. But was it worth us being rundown and weak? Why would my kids want to interact with anyone who was trying to change them? Isn’t there a better way to help them grow and find themselves? I then started crossing people off my list.

  • Is this working for either of my kids?
  • Have I seen improvements, even small ones?
  • Are they happy while doing it?
  • What areas did they enjoy that brought them into our world?
  • What was I doing just because “someone” said it worked for “someone” somewhere out in the world and they wanted to use my kids as guinea pigs to see if they could get it to work too?
  • Whose best interest was a priority? My children or the “experience” this would give someone with this Autism thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it is trial and error for each child, but how long do you keep trying? How many months/years can they scream in protest with me just watching? I was shamed for this. I was told I was making a mistake of a lifetime. I was “that Mom” when talking to therapists. The one who didn’t know… didn’t love enough … and was being selfish. Hindsight, I think they were upset they lost a client more than the well-being of my children that they claimed.

It is normal to have a limit on what we are able to endure. No matter what anyone EVER tells you… You as the parent know what is best for YOUR child. I am not a bad parent or weak for stopping half of the therapies. I am not a bad parent for wanting them to learn through play, even if it is parallel play. I do believe early intervention is the most important time. I gave two years of my life slaving away at it because I love my children more than ANYTHING in this world. As much as my family calls me “Super Mom”, “Warrior Mom” or “Wonder Woman”, as many capes as I have in my closet, I am still human.

#ThursdayAutismAwareness
I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday.
I have 21 years of experience.

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Posted in 2022, Autism, depression, Love, My Autism Story

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Oye! ST00Pid Weight

Posted on August 30, 2022 | 1 comment
Weight journey documentation.

I feel like a broken record coming here AGAIN with my tail between my legs because I am uncomfortable within my skin. Why should any of my variables be the exception for grace? (Grace to myself, Grace from others ~ and I know, I know – The opinion of others doesn’t matter.) I have a MILLION excuses as to why I am no longer the 6-pack-ab wearing hottie I once was. Maybe for you, you never were. OR maybe you are exactly the same since high school? (I have compassion for WHATEVER your story is)

I haven’t seen that body since I was 33. (12 years ago)

It went something like this:

  • I am 5’9 and in 2010 I was 160 pounds. Perfect BMI range.
  • Then I moved from Arizona to Michigan. Less physical activity in the cold and more drinking and eating brought me to 185-ish.
  • In 2013 I had my 3rd child. Then I was 215 – Slowly it would rise and fall to 210-230.
  • Finally, menopause stuff starts up, and all of a sudden I am 240! 80 pounds in 10 years!
  • I go on weight watchers and lose 30 pounds! woo hoo~
  • Then I miss periods and start hormone therapy to help balance out depression stuff and boom! I see 250 pounds for the first time in my life.

I find myself discouraged. All my hard work is gone. I have no energy for anything more than my responsibilities. I have wished time and time again that reading, writing, painting, or anything having to do with one’s mind… somehow burned the same amount of calories as a cardio session.

I am now at a point in my life where I have so many factors swirling around me, that I don’t have the control of my weight as I may have had at one point. So “Way to go, Tiffany! You blew your shot while you were in your youth”. My family is a plethora of beautiful creatures. For real, they could be their own modeling company. They are also intelligent and successful. I have had this conversation with my Mom hundreds of times. “Their path is not my path. None of them have been dealt my hand or I theirs. Who knows how they would be now if they were parents of disabled children & single & broke.” – Oh look, more excuses. The evil voice in my head assures me, they would still be beautiful and a CEO of a major company.

The next thoughts this provokes in me are ~ I just left a job of 7 years and in hindsight wished I would have done it years earlier. I felt like I wasted so much time staying put instead of living my best life. So maybe I am here UNsilently suffering when I should be getting off my butt and doing something. I have so many friends who have tried bypass surgery, who work at health clubs, and who find how to be active and not feel miserable. I just cannot find anything that feels right. I walked on my treadmill yesterday and the whole thing was just stupid.

I should probably mention I am afraid. My hips and joints are now hurting, undoubtedly because of the extra weight. I am afraid I will die before I can get my older two set up for when I am gone. I am afraid that my organs are being smushed and I am slowly killing myself. You’d think with all this fear I could muster up the gumption to just stop eating as much & just start walking/running/swimming – ANYTHING.

But I’m sad. Maybe just feeling sorry for myself and feeling the “Failure” within. I have NO excuse. I am just tired. I am trying to hold it all together to do what needs to be done.

I share this with you because I know I’m not alone in this.

  • I see you too, exhausted from giving your all day after day.
  • I see you having an extra 30 minutes to do anything and you choose to sit.
  • I see you teaching, cooking, driving, working, paying bills, cleaning, and just trying to fit it all in.
  • I see you supporting all of those people around you and slowly sinking at the end of the day with not enough energy for yourself.

I see you.

I feel all of that.

You are not alone.

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Posted in 2022, depression, Uncategorized, Within My Skin

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The One God Made For Me.

Posted on August 23, 2022 | 1 comment

Today I write about a man I don’t ever want to live without. My husband.

In 2012, I played an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role play game) video game on my computer (SWTOR- Star Wars the Old Republic). As a single mother of 2 autistic children, I needed a pastime that was in my home & also provided socialization. Going anywhere was a nightmare and respite & child care was a constant battle.

I spent years defending the galaxy with people all over the world. I was a healer. Shocking I know, taking care of others in the trenches. I participated in a LOT of PVP (player vs. player) battles and having a healer was essential. I didn’t suck and was asked to tag along all of the time. I found people I enjoyed. We all had our reasons for gaming. I actually met a lot of other parents of disabled kiddos. Then I met a man. We accomplished many things in the virtual world. We became household names on our server. (I wasn’t the best, but he may have been close LOL yolo) My name was Cuore. His name was Tae.

Inside an Imperial Destroyer

Finally one spring in April we decided to meet in person. He was in St. Louis for business and God himself threw together a dozen people to handle my kids for 5 days. It was bizarre meeting him LOL. It’s funny how you can talk with someone for hours each day and yet – being face to face is like starting from the beginning.

10 months later we decide to live together. The kids call him Mister Tae.

He was the first man to ever intentionally be a part of my children’s lives.

He was there:

  • When Trin was having MRIs for cysts in her brain.
  • When she got her period.
  • At EVERY SINGLE Special Olympic practice.
  • When Preston sang the National Anthem at multiple venues.
  • To teach them how to ride scooters.
  • Every Christmas he spent all the money he received as a gift, back on the kids – He wanted them to have everything they wanted.
  • To take Preston to the Movies and they played video games together.
  • To read to them at night and talked to them every evening at dinner about their day.
  • When the schools failed us.
  • At the ER/doctor when they got sick.
  • When they cried from frustration.
  • Dancing to Pikachu and Charlie the Unicorn Music.
  • Jumping waves in Lake Michigan.

And… a million other things. He was always there. He was there on the worst days when it would have been so much easier to leave. He chose us. He chose THEM. He chose to stay.

Find someone you can be silly with.

I am not the easiest person to love. I will be the first to admit this. I left my first marriage. I’m sure it was a relief for us both. I was different after having kids. The depression I had as a teen was amplified after childbirth. I am surprised we lasted as long as we did. I have baggage from childhood and I would rather have been alone the rest of my life than staying and making us both miserable. I will say, however – my first husband never asked me to stay. I’m not shaming him for that. Just noting a difference.

Mister Tae, James, Alex – He goes by many names in our home. He has seen me at my absolute worst. He has seen me ready to die. He has seen me fail, be ugly, & stuck in darkness. He also has been the one there to pull me out. He is loyal to a level I can only compare to God not forsaking us. My Husband loves me like I’ve never known love. He wants me to succeed, be happy & thrive. He wants me to have everything – lucky for him I am a minimalist LOL! He loves to travel as much as I do and will book us flights at a drop of a hat for a quick getaway. He is kind and takes care of me in a way I have been failed to by others, over and over again. I know God’s plan is perfect. I know I am exactly where I need to be to do His best work. I feel fully accepted, unfathomably loved & undeniably fortunate.

Allē Starlight Lounge on 66 – Las Vegas
Cancun, Mexico

Mister Tae asked me to marry him a million times. This story is for another time, but after a few years, I finally agreed. This Friday will be our 8th Wedding Anniversary. It’s been messy and wonderful and hard and adventurous. He still makes me laugh and I can still make him blush. Cheers to many more!

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Tuesday, Twosday, Toosday.

Posted on August 2, 2022 | Leave a comment

I didn’t write yesterday. Well, actually that is a lie. I DID write, but it’s for the future as I’m still processing how I want to share a story. So the truthful statement would be that “I didn’t share yesterday.”

Today is Tuesday. For the past couple of years, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Tuesdays. I know this is a false truth that is in my head because of the obligations that seem to fall on that day & maybe I’ve been fueling that fire with my unconscious mind to “prove” that Tuesdays are hard. (reticular activating system at its finest) Tuesdays usually consist of multiple therapies & errands. Hard errands. The type of errands you dread.

Tuesdays remind me of when I had to plan “grocery shopping” as a single mom with 2 autistic kids under 5. I legit had an “oh shit!” backpack for any possible scenario. The anxiety within to do this took all the energy I had. That’s probably a lie. It took more energy than I had to give. All three of us would be out of commission when we got home. It was so traumatic we would just make a blanket fort and hide the rest of the day. But this is a story for another day.

Today “Tuesday” I find myself tired. I may have stayed up too late watching Roswell, New Mexico on Netflix. However; my coffee is strong, my new cotton shorts are comfy and I’ve already done my Bible study so I feel I am ready.

I’m ready to pour kindness into those I meet. I am ready to smile with my eyes so BIG that even while wearing a mask, it makes others smile back. I am ready to remind a friend how valuable she is to her job and why it is OKAY to protect her space and stick up for herself. I am ready to cheer on another friend who is signing for a new house today and leaving memories of parents lost behind. I am ready to take my kids to the store to pick out new ice cream and soda for a party this weekend.

I am ready. Today is Tuesday. I am alive and have been given a chance to be the person that people need. A chance to do God’s work. Worst case scenario, I end up in a blanket fort tonight and that’s okay too!

P.S. there is a good thing about Tuesday: The newest episode of “Only Murderers in the Building” drops.

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Posted in 2022, Autism, depression, friendship

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Three.

Posted on July 27, 2022 | 2 comments
Feel the pain.

I am on the other side of some rough days. Over the past few days, I have been shown many things about toxic positivity and avoiding pain. (I will share a link below to a fantastic article from another blogger), but I had another “Tiffany Ephiphany!”

I had the most “AH-HA!” moment while reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book “Forgive what you can’t forget.”

“At some point, we need to stop imagining the way things “should be” so much that we can’t acknowledge what it is. You can only heal what you are willing to acknowledge is real.”

And it dawned on me, that not only have I been denying myself from “feeling” for a super long time, I’ve been caught up in how things SHOULD HAVE BEEN. What SHOULD have happened. How I SHOULD have been treated. What they SHOULD have done.

Feeling the Feelings

Yes, I have my bad days – REALLY bad days, but then I suppress the feelings and move forward.

  • I’m fine, I’m moving on.
  • I don’t have time or energy to deal with this, I’m over it.
  • I forgive them, the pain will fade eventually
  • God will take care of it.
  • I am going to focus on all the things I am thankful for.

I had to, I have responsibilities, kids, work, friends, and people who look to me to “Be The Sunshine.” It reminded me of Robin Williams. He was so full of Joy, always smiling and the light for millions of people. Yet inside had vast amounts of pain.

I have never just sat in my pain and felt it without distractions or interruptions. As my mom says, there is a little girl inside me who just needs to hear that her feelings are valid and allow her to grieve and feel that pain inside my body as long as she needs, to get it out.

All of this is so messed up because I am the FIRST one to tell my friends to FEEL what they are going through! Let it out! Work through the Emotional Scale. Unpack that baggage, your ticket is refundable and you need to work through this!

My Husband & I sat down with the kids and told them that Momma had some bad things happen in her life a long time ago and in order for me to properly heal, I need to face that sadness/anger/fear. This means, that over the next few weeks I may be crying or lost in thought, but it has NOTHING to do with them and it won’t last forever.

What Should have happened

Well, It DIDN’T! Nothing more to say about it, or think about it, or get mad about it.

End. Of. Story.

So cheers to healing and keeping the tissue companies in business.

Here is the Toxic Positivity article that I loved

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Two.

Posted on July 26, 2022 | Leave a comment

I was challenged to try and separate the painful moments from the beautiful moments in each situation.

In the first cycle – I was young. I don’t remember much honestly and the things I do remember were shaming and alcohol-infused. Or trumped by a whole other war that was happening at the same time. I tried talking to my husband about this, but I ended up angry with lots crying. I felt robbed that I could NOT think of anything “good” during the first 13 years of my life with this person. A person I was supposed to be able to trust. A person who should have put me ahead of so many things. A person who SHOULD have chosen me. A person I could never be good enough for. A person who would meanly “tease” me and make me feel stupid. Who would laugh when others were cruel. A person who was so distracted by booze and being cool and material things – Who couldn’t be bothered by the emotions of a young girl.

In the second cycle, I remember striving for acceptance. Giving my all to make someone proud. Doing whatever I could to achieve the level that would help them rise and then a cloud of resentment or something engulfed me. Little things here and there that weren’t right. I was confused “Isn’t this what you wanted?” I finally decided to make space between us. Then I made the space bigger. Eventually, when the space became apparent I was outcasted on her end. Again, I don’t remember anything good. I remember a constant “was I a disappointment?” “What did I fail to do now?” I was a scapegoat for the most insane things. My best was wrong and always needed to be tweaked.

It’s like that song lyric “looking for love in all the wrong places”. I just wanted to belong. First, in a place where I should have been fully accepted and supported – and then in a group that I strived to make proud.

I clearly have issues with abandonment and betrayal. So many didn’t want me around. They wanted what I could do for them. I remember in 3rd grade there was a constant battle between 2 girls and all the rest of us would pick a side. I literally said outside during recess while sitting on a snowbank “You can use me so you have more people than her”.

Today, I have maybe 2 adult friendships where I don’t question their motives for friendship. I trust they won’t throw me under a bus or hide things from me. It’s a beautiful, broken, messy, honest journey we share. We can be the ugliest versions of ourselves without fear of being shamed or discarded. A friendship where we have nothing to gain but truthful confessions, honest sounding boards, and love. So much love. I know this is 2 more than most people have and I count my blessings I assure you.

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Forgiveness Journey, Part One.

Posted on July 23, 2022 | 2 comments
A healing Journey

Have you noticed when you don’t learn a lesson, it tends to repeat itself? Last month I had a HUGE revelation that within the job I left, I was actually repeating a lesson from my past. Like a HUGE, Painful, Life altering, Mess me up for decades afterward – life experience.

*I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with my job itself. I loved my job, I loved my team, and I love the owners still. And who knows, maybe at some point the Lord will draw me back under different circumstances.

Moving on… You see, I forgave all of the people that this pain stems from.

(FYI: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) The people who brought pain, betrayal, and shame into my life were only being who they were capable of being because of their own life experiences and traumas. But I still have triggers that bring that pain back to the surface and so it had me thinking that I did it wrong. Did I REALLY forgive them? Why can’t I let go enough to never experience that hurt, pain & darkness again?

Then, when that pain resurfaces I resort to bitterness. Replaying the situation in my head looking for proof I wasn’t a terrible human, or was I? Repenting to the Lord above if I ever made anyone feel the way I felt at that moment, I am truly sorry. Asking for mercy to take it all away. Next, I start to question everyone around me. To say I have trust issues is the understatement of the millennia. It has been my truth that EVERYONE around me is playing both sides. I can’t trust anyone and so I start to downward spiral, feeling alone and worthless and would be better off dead. I deserve this pain.

This has been the cycle since I was 13 years old. Here I am 45 and just replayed the ENTIRE cycle in a different situation with different people, but with ALL the same key factors.

ENOUGH!

People have been asking how I could just walk away while I was on top? My team was strong.

I am breaking the cycle. I am choosing to remove myself from something that has been internally destroying me.

The “End” is this:

The End of “staying” because if I leave I am weak.

The End of an abundance of shame and self-loathing because I am not who people want me to be or not to be ~ or I am not wanted when shining at my best or deep in my bad days.

The End of living a life in stagnant fear – A life God blessed me with that I should be doing so much more.

Friends, this is the beginning.

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Posted in 2022, depression, friendship, My Forgiveness Journey, Random, Uncategorized

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Channeling my inner THOR!

Posted on July 15, 2022 | Leave a comment
Tools make me feel powerful.

I didn’t write yesterday. I was a bit bluesy and feeling uninspired It happens when living with depression. Maybe the pull from Wednesday’s full moon was also a factor. I am pretty good at extending myself grace when that happens and my only regret is ruining my blog streak. #IFYKYK lol!

Today I am starting to put together pieces of a project. Our back patio. We rent a house on a little patch of heaven in west Tennessee. Our Landlord is an amazing southern gentleman who recently was diagnosed with cancer. Our family is “low maintenance” renters. We pay our rent on time each month, take care of the yard, and fix the small things ourselves. We only contact him with something major… dishwasher breaking for a family of 5 etc.

Our back porch needs some love and probably a few new boards, but I am on a mission to make it into a Shangri-La. Thanks to Amazon Prime days I was able to scoop up some accessories! Until those arrive, today I hammered down all the nails that were popping up.

I know some people find relief in smashing stuff to release anger/stress. (Enneagram 1,9, & 8) I have never been that person. (Enneagram 5) I think and process and think some more. But let me tell you, Hammering the crap out of those nails was so rewarding. Yes, I got covered in dust and paint chips BUT it felt SO GOOD! I had something stored up inside me that needed to be released.

I will keep you posted on my progress. Have an amazing FriYAY!

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Friends & depression don’t mix.

Posted on May 30, 2017 | 1 comment

What is a “Friend”?  For many many years, I wouldn’t call anyone by that name because 95% of people who were my “friends”, treated me as the opposite.  My phase two idea in life was to have “non” friends.  A name that was given to those I trusted as to not jinx the relationship.  Today I am in phase three of friendship.  I am 40, I have no patience for drama or games.  I would rather have no friends at all than mediocre ones.  Not because I am better than anyone else, but because my duty is to me and my family and MOST importantly keeping my depression in check.

I should also explain my expectations of “Friends” I keep.  I expect them to be honest to me.  That’s it!  I don’t need daily, weekly or even yearly attention from them, but when our paths cross I would like nothing but honesty.  If they truly are my friends they know I will not judge them so no fear in telling the truth should be held.  For I too will offer nothing but honesty.

As I age I get more picky about who I want to surround myself with.  I cannot stress enough that this has nothing to do with me believing I am better than anyone, but Depression has become so much darker the past year that to surround myself with toxic people, or people with false loyalty or negative outlook on life… I just can. not. do.

In every life there are emotions.  It is my nature to feel what you are feeling thus taking me with you on your downward spiral if that is where you are taking yourself.  If I do not agree with your lifestyle or the way you are a parent, my heart will hurt for your children or your lack of self-love.  This will also trigger my dark days.  I may love you a hundred times more than you love yourself but will have to stay an arm’s length away to keep the darkness out.  One of the hardest things to do my first 40 years is watching others suffer or silently remain “Stuck” because they do not believe that they can change the situation.  Sometimes they do not believe they are worth anything better.  I just want to shake some people and yell “Can you not see your value?  Can you not see the warped reality you are living in?  Don’t you WANT to be happy?”

We all lose friends in the major life changes we go through.  Getting married, having kids etc.  I used to be mad when “Being around your Autistic kids is a culture shock” was said to me.  Being wiser now I see, they gave me the truth and walked away.  They WERE being the best them they could be and gave me the raw truth.  Of course, any person would be sad during the loss of a relationship, any type.. or the fact your children are the cause of said loss.  Today I see clearly that I don’t want them in my life with that perspective.

Am I a good friend?  Probably not.  Yes, I am honest and loyal.  BUT my situation prevents me from being the friend you appear to need.  At this moment I am visiting my hometown.  I have received MULTIPLE messages asking to meet up.  I love the love it came with, but my anxiety starts acting up.  Where can I go, a physical place to meet up with all of these people?  A physical place that my children can and might break things during a melt down because of the over-stimulation the visit will create.    A place where all of my friends feel like they get what they need from me even though I will be playing referee the whole time with Autism.  As I talk with my family trying to figure out a gameplan to make all this happen I start getting messages like “I do count right?  you will visit me right?”  As if in your head I am debating if I want to see you.  OF COUSE I DO!  I just DON’T KNOW HOW.

My anxiety is extra high this time because when I came home in January, I didn’t get the quality time in that others expected.  I was knee deep in the depression trenches while trying to put on a birthday party for my daughter.  By the time we left 75% of EVERYONE was disappointed in me.  I cried the entire 15-hour drive home.

The reason it is so easy for me to not judge anyone no matter what the situation is… is because I know first hand of the wars going on inside that nobody sees.  Depression is a whole world of darkness that co-exists side by side with reality.  I could be sitting on a beach with a drink in my hand hearing nothing but waves crashing on the sand while at the same time I am in a dark hole with endless anxiety feeling like I hear the tormented screams of 1000 people race through my veins.  Wondering how I am going to make it back to a bed to hide from the world until the darkness goes away.

**Just typing that made me break into a sweat and tears began to fall**

Tonight I meet up with my friends.  Hoping to soak in the smell of the bonfire and focus on giving my children the life experience of another summer S’mores making event.  I need to mentally prepare my focus for every multi-person event with my kids.  Reminding myself what is important.  Why I am there.  I need to avoid any feelings of disappointment I may sense and just. be me.

Today I wish you love.  Pure love for yourself.  Unconditional, flawless love.

 

 

 

 

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Posted in 2017, Autism, depression, Love, Uncategorized

Today is the day.

Posted on May 20, 2017 | Leave a comment

Today is the day I get up & regroup.  Today I finally had that black cloud disappear and was ready to open myself back up to the world.  Which ironically, outside the sky is black and it’s thundering.  Maybe I pushed it outside from within.  The rain is washing away the pain and sadness and I am welcoming it.

One of my habits is I rearrange furniture.  A constant tweaking of Zen.  It used to be weekly but has become less.  I deep clean and purge anything nonessential.  I find that while I do this with material things it also cleanses me from within.  I still feel the depression that has been thriving on my every thought the past week, BUT I am phasing it out.  Taking control.  Some might say I have always had control, but I would disagree.  I think my bad days are a time where I am faced with the darkest fears & feelings and it is my continuous battle of endurance to make it out stronger than before.

You’d think that after 22 years I would have this process down and be able to avoid any inner turmoil.  For me, this is how the creator has made me and I embrace all of me good and bad.  After 22 years though I am able to consciously rise above my emotions and ask myself “Do I really feel this way?”  “I don’t think this is how I feel but rather a side effect of my dark friend who is visiting.”  That is one of my greatest achievements.  Being able to separate myself mentally from my emotions to evaluate the reality of my emotions & turmoil.  Then it’s just a waiting game until the storm passes.  Until it does, the tears constantly flow and my inner rage burns.

I used to blog and write often.  I’m not sure why I stopped.   It feels good to get things out.  Not so much for people to read but to organize my head through thoughts.  I wish you all a lovely rest of your weekend and hope you feel the calm/peaceful effect that the sound of the rain outside is bringing to me.

 

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Posted in 2017, depression, Uncategorized