Over the past two years, I have slowly eliminated people, places, things, habits, hobbies, & jobs from my life. I’ve created space that I am in no hurry to fill back up. I find as I become older, with my spiritual journey as a prime focus, my circle keeps getting smaller and smaller. Not because I don’t love people, places, jobs, habits, etc… But because they keep me complacent. I’ve also noticed my awareness is extremely enhanced and I start to see words, actions, and behaviors I had said/done in the past that wasn’t the very best version of myself. My brokenness prompted behaviors that were hurtful.
“Hurt people hurt people”. If I ever hurt you, I’m sorry.
I also am able to see more clearly, at times when I was hurt and I took it personally – when it was instead somebody else’s brokenness projected onto me. If you hurt me, all is forgiven.
This isn’t a blame game blog… This is me fully owning my shit and feeling the disappointment I have within – even though I didn’t know any better at the time – that I can see clearly that I may have been hurtful in the past. Hurtful to family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, random people in the public, etc.
However, let’s talk about the thing that has come up over a dozen times in the last week. The icky grey area where you know people, jobs, etc aren’t bringing out the best in you, but you don’t want to “hurt feelings” by letting them go.
I have no idea why it took me so long to “draw that line in the sand” and “put up those river banks so I’m not swampy” and finally CREATE boundaries!
Why, as humans are we SO AFRAID of the response or opinions of others, that we continue to stay miserable or content as we are.
Why aren’t we fighting for who we were created to be?
Why is it a negative thing to rid of toxicity and control the space around you?
It’s like we are so afraid to offend those who are destroying us, that we stay put. (Read that again…) In what world does that even make sense!?
Defending your space is NOT stirring the pot or causing drama. Wanting to be happy is NOT a guilty or gluttonous desire. Yes, change is scary. Walking away from friendships, jobs, and a way of life you’ve known for too long can trigger moments of doubt and disappointment BUT I guarantee once you get over that bridge, you will be asking yourself what took you so long. Maybe not right away, but as the stress fades, the habits die, and the feeling you owe anyone anything (besides yourself) diminishes… You will be walking in peace. A calm you haven’t known – or forgot even existed.
If you were brave enough to create those boundaries and let go of what no longer serves you with the possibility of residual negative feedback, I am so stinkin’ proud of you! I am proud of your desire to control what is in your space and what takes up your time. I am proud of you for loving yourself more than the hate you may receive for choosing YOU!
🎇🎉YOU are the ONLY person who has to live with YOU for the rest of your life! Don’t give others the POWER over your happiness! Reclaim that power and LOVE the Life you Live! ✨🌼🌞
Today I write about a man I don’t ever want to live without. My husband.
In 2012, I played an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role play game) video game on my computer (SWTOR- Star Wars the Old Republic). As a single mother of 2 autistic children, I needed a pastime that was in my home & also provided socialization. Going anywhere was a nightmare and respite & child care was a constant battle.
I spent years defending the galaxy with people all over the world. I was a healer. Shocking I know, taking care of others in the trenches. I participated in a LOT of PVP (player vs. player) battles and having a healer was essential. I didn’t suck and was asked to tag along all of the time. I found people I enjoyed. We all had our reasons for gaming. I actually met a lot of other parents of disabled kiddos. Then I met a man. We accomplished many things in the virtual world. We became household names on our server. (I wasn’t the best, but he may have been close LOL yolo) My name was Cuore. His name was Tae.
Inside an Imperial Destroyer
Finally one spring in April we decided to meet in person. He was in St. Louis for business and God himself threw together a dozen people to handle my kids for 5 days. It was bizarre meeting him LOL. It’s funny how you can talk with someone for hours each day and yet – being face to face is like starting from the beginning.
10 months later we decide to live together. The kids call him Mister Tae.
He was the first man to ever intentionally be a part of my children’s lives.
He was there:
When Trin was having MRIs for cysts in her brain.
When she got her period.
At EVERY SINGLE Special Olympic practice.
When Preston sang the National Anthem at multiple venues.
To teach them how to ride scooters.
Every Christmas he spent all the money he received as a gift, back on the kids – He wanted them to have everything they wanted.
To take Preston to the Movies and they played video games together.
To read to them at night and talked to them every evening at dinner about their day.
When the schools failed us.
At the ER/doctor when they got sick.
When they cried from frustration.
Dancing to Pikachu and Charlie the Unicorn Music.
Jumping waves in Lake Michigan.
And… a million other things. He was always there. He was there on the worst days when it would have been so much easier to leave. He chose us. He chose THEM. He chose to stay.
Find someone you can be silly with.
I am not the easiest person to love. I will be the first to admit this. I left my first marriage. I’m sure it was a relief for us both. I was different after having kids. The depression I had as a teen was amplified after childbirth. I am surprised we lasted as long as we did. I have baggage from childhood and I would rather have been alone the rest of my life than staying and making us both miserable. I will say, however – my first husband never asked me to stay. I’m not shaming him for that. Just noting a difference.
Mister Tae, James, Alex – He goes by many names in our home. He has seen me at my absolute worst. He has seen me ready to die. He has seen me fail, be ugly, & stuck in darkness. He also has been the one there to pull me out. He is loyal to a level I can only compare to God not forsaking us. My Husband loves me like I’ve never known love. He wants me to succeed, be happy & thrive. He wants me to have everything – lucky for him I am a minimalist LOL! He loves to travel as much as I do and will book us flights at a drop of a hat for a quick getaway. He is kind and takes care of me in a way I have been failed to by others, over and over again. I know God’s plan is perfect. I know I am exactly where I need to be to do His best work. I feel fully accepted, unfathomably loved & undeniably fortunate.
Allē Starlight Lounge on 66 – Las VegasCancun, Mexico
Mister Tae asked me to marry him a million times. This story is for another time, but after a few years, I finally agreed. This Friday will be our 8th Wedding Anniversary. It’s been messy and wonderful and hard and adventurous. He still makes me laugh and I can still make him blush. Cheers to many more!
Unpacking the facts & finishing my part of the puzzle.
Loyalty: a strong feeling of support or allegiance.
Betrayal: violation of a person’s trust or confidence
I was going to make these two separate posts, for fear it would be too long, but I think I can keep it short. I respect your time as much as mine…
I have had betrayal issues for as long as I can remember. As a girl, a person I trusted read my diary, & lied to me – up to last month when I went full circle and saw people who were my “Friends” – apparently weren’t.
“Who needs enemies with friends like mine?”
I’ve slowly been unpacking and breaking down situations and sitting in the facts. There is a fine line between Loyalty & Betrayal.
If someone hurt you, should your bestie become their friend? What if they didn’t know you were hurt?
What if someone hated someone you are close to, and made it their mission to destroy you out of association?
What if your friend struggles with acceptance issues and just needs to belong so they “Protected” you by befriending them behind your back?
My point is (before I give a million more scenarios) that I am more loyal than anyone I know. Fiercely loyal. I will fight tigers, climb volcanos & donate organs – kind of loyal. But my entire life I’ve had a flaw. I expect, hope, and pray that someone would be that for me. And since 99% of the world has their own ish, that isn’t a viable expectation.
As an enneagram 5, I live for facts! Facts are my favorite thing in the world. They help me sort out truth from emotional perception and I am so thankful that the few who are loyal to me, can sit me down to discuss “facts” to process the emotional triggers I have.
Conclusion: My journey has not only been for me to grow into the person the Lord needs me to be BUT also, I am a puzzle piece to MANY other lessons for other people. So what people decide to do with my hurts & betrayals is none of my business. It SUCKS and is UNFAIR and I have been grieving the friendships that were an illusion, but that part is their lesson. I am already moving on to the next chapter. My part in that puzzle is over.
To have clarity and peace over how betrayal has been haunting me is liberating.
Lastly, I am aware that EVERYTHING above is all Ego and Mind.
According to Deepak Chopra,
“You stop being ruled by self-image when:
You feel what you feel
You are no longer offended by things
You stop appraising how a situation makes you look.
You don’t exclude people you feel superior or inferior to
You quit worrying about what others think about you
You no longer obsess over money, status, and possessions
You no longer feel the urge to defend your opinions“
By eliminating myself from the puzzle that I have already put my pieces into, I am able to check off 5 things above that I was wrestling with.
I didn’t write yesterday. Well, actually that is a lie. I DID write, but it’s for the future as I’m still processing how I want to share a story. So the truthful statement would be that “I didn’t share yesterday.”
Today is Tuesday. For the past couple of years, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Tuesdays. I know this is a false truth that is in my head because of the obligations that seem to fall on that day & maybe I’ve been fueling that fire with my unconscious mind to “prove” that Tuesdays are hard. (reticular activating system at its finest) Tuesdays usually consist of multiple therapies & errands. Hard errands. The type of errands you dread.
Tuesdays remind me of when I had to plan “grocery shopping” as a single mom with 2 autistic kids under 5. I legit had an “oh shit!” backpack for any possible scenario. The anxiety within to do this took all the energy I had. That’s probably a lie. It took more energy than I had to give. All three of us would be out of commission when we got home. It was so traumatic we would just make a blanket fort and hide the rest of the day. But this is a story for another day.
Today “Tuesday” I find myself tired. I may have stayed up too late watching Roswell, New Mexico on Netflix. However; my coffee is strong, my new cotton shorts are comfy and I’ve already done my Bible study so I feel I am ready.
I’m ready to pour kindness into those I meet. I am ready to smile with my eyes so BIG that even while wearing a mask, it makes others smile back. I am ready to remind a friend how valuable she is to her job and why it is OKAY to protect her space and stick up for herself. I am ready to cheer on another friend who is signing for a new house today and leaving memories of parents lost behind. I am ready to take my kids to the store to pick out new ice cream and soda for a party this weekend.
I am ready. Today is Tuesday. I am alive and have been given a chance to be the person that people need. A chance to do God’s work. Worst case scenario, I end up in a blanket fort tonight and that’s okay too!
My children are so creative. Trin is a published author and Pres is on his way! Autism won’t stop them from being incredibly talented. Here is a script Preston wrote including the characters they play with daily. He is funny and clever and so aware of the world around him. Enjoy! oxox
(We see a beautiful vibrant meadow filled with flowers of all colors only for a lot of big paw prints to rapidly trample over the meadow making it into a gloomy forest.) (We cut to another scene where we slowly get close to a nice vacation home in Russia.)
Pippi: ah~ this is a lovely vacation home.
Bigwig: Yeah, despite almost freezing my tail off this is a really nice and warm house. (Immediately cut to Ord slamming the door wide open with bags of food.)
Ord: Anybody in here want some Whoppers from Burger King?
Everyone: Yay!
(Suddenly the power went out of the house.) (Mickey lights a match to see in the dark.)
Mort: Uh..what just happened?
Fiver: AHHH! I’M SCARED OF THE DARK!!!
Bigwig: Fiver be quiet. I’m sure it’s just a power outage.
Mickey: Well Somebody has to fix the power outside. (Everyone looks at Mr. Nelson who’s busy picking his nose to not notice a thing)
(Cut to outside where they force Mr. Nelson to fix the power much to Mr. Nelson’s dismay.)
Mort: I hope mister monkey can fix the lights soon.
Fiver: Yeah, any longer we’re in the dark and I’ll pass out from panicking!
Bigwig: I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET!
(Fiver zips his lips as everyone huddled towards Pippi.)
Pippi: I know this place isn’t the type of place you would expect from a normal vacation home but won’t it be nice after staying here for almost a week we’ll be taking a real vacation in the worldly acclaimed New York City!
Pippi: Just imagine all the fun things that we could do once we get there!
Mickey: Like go shopping!
Fiver: Going to see broadway productions!
Mickey: Don’t you mean musicals?
Fiver: Yes that’s what I meant!
Bigwig: I want to get in fights with everyone in the city!
Mort: Bigwig that’s terrible!
Bigwig: Well what was your wish? To marry the Statue of Liberty?
Mort: No!…………yes.
Ord: My wish is to see the big apple that everyone’s talking about in New York.
Bigwig: Should I tell him?
Fiver: No, just let him have his fun.
Mort: What about you’re dream Pippi?
Pippi: My dream is to make everyone happy on this vacation.
Everyone: AAAAWW (Just then the power went back on only for them to feel an earthquake just outside the house) (Pippi and the others looked outside the window only to find impossibly giant black cats trying to cook Mr. Nelson over a fire like a goose.)
Bigwig: Oh no the lazy monkey is being cooked alive!
Pippi: No one messes with my friends, even if some of my friends are more reliable than others. (Pippi crashed out of the window and lifted up the big black cats.)
Pippi: Looks like you two need a bath asap! (Pippi threw the cats into the cold water where they were soaking wet and were so scared of her they ran off without their dinner.) (Pippi noticed that the fire had already been put out due to Mr. Nelson being so scared that he wet himself.)
Pippi: Looks like it’s finally time to go to New York after I give you a new change of clothes. (Mr. Nelson felt guilty but at the same time happy that Pippi was disgusted.)
(Cut to a ship leaving for New York and a line of passengers lined up to be on it.)
Mort: Wow, are we going to ride in that big fat ship?
Mickey: Well we had limited options to travel since Fiver gets airsick-
Fiver: Hey! It was because of the peanuts they served on the plane!!
Bigwig: Yeah right.
Mickey: -and all of us can’t fit in a train at the same time, not to mention the incident that occurred there-
Bigwig: That one time Ord decided to eat Taco Bell for the first time, the whole train smelled like farts for days!
Ord: What?
Fiver: Nothing!
Mickey: -That’s why the boat is our only option.
Pippi: ahh~ sailing the seas, charting the world, and exploring to our hearts’ content, reminds me of sailing with my father out in the ocean. (after the gang got their tickets they decided to stay in a room down below for tonight.)
Bigwig: You know, it was the fifth time those cats showed up at our old place back in Russia.
Fiver: I’ve heard some rumors that the population of cats in New York is down to none!
Bigwig: Fiver the only people who believe in rumors like that are flea-infested rats!
Bigwig: No offense Mickey
Mickey: None taken hot head.
Bigwig: WHY YOU LITTLE!! (Fiver and Mort restrain Bigwig from trying to attack Mickey) (When everybody calmed down they all decided to take a well night’s sleep)
Fiver: Ahh~ these pillows are so comfy! I wonder what brand are these?
Ord: I think those pillows are created for this ship.
Fiver: Really? What’s the ship called?
Ord: Uhh the Titanic the second?
Fiver: Ahh~ Titanic the second….. (Fiver’s eyes are suddenly open wide.)
Fiver: TITANIC THE SECOND!?!!? (The ship suddenly started shaking causing everyone to wake up)
Fiver: The ship is going to sink!
Bigwig: Come on Fiver even though it is called the Titanic the second they must have learned from their mistakes and are safer than the last one.
Speaker: Attention passengers the captain was busy playing Angry birds on the toilet and crashed the ship into an iceberg. Please report to the top of the boat where you’ll depart on smaller boats. Have a nice trip! (Everyone started panicking except for Bigwig and Pippi.) (Pippi whistled for their attention)
Pippi: Don’t worry guys, when I was with my father we had sunk a lot of ships and luckily we made it to a small boat just in time. All we have to do is to listen to what the speaker said and go to a boat. (Pippi and the others went to the top of the boat where lots of people are getting on boats) (Mort was having a hard time catching up to them until he slipped in a puddle and started sliding into the storm.)
Mort: AAAAAAAHH! Help meeee!
Pippi: Oh no I shouldn’t leave a friend behind! Mr. Nelson, hold on to the backpack I’m going to save mort.
Ord: Pippi Nooo! (Pippi was trying to look for Mort in the storm until she saw mort tangled up in the ropes of the mast)
Mort: Heeeeelp!
Pippi: Don’t worry Mort I’ll save you! (Pippi climbed up the rope until she almost lost her grip until Ord and the others helped her up!) (Even Mr. Nelson was helping by dressing up like a cheerleader.) (Once they reached Mort at the top of the mast it was too late to go back down as a huge wave was about to wash them off the boat!)
Have you noticed when you don’t learn a lesson, it tends to repeat itself? Last month I had a HUGE revelation that within the job I left, I was actually repeating a lesson from my past. Like a HUGE, Painful, Life altering, Mess me up for decades afterward – life experience.
*I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with my job itself. I loved my job, I loved my team, and I love the owners still. And who knows, maybe at some point the Lord will draw me back under different circumstances.
Moving on… You see, I forgave all of the people that this pain stems from.
(FYI: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) The people who brought pain, betrayal, and shame into my life were only being who they were capable of being because of their own life experiences and traumas. But I still have triggers that bring that pain back to the surface and so it had me thinking that I did it wrong. Did I REALLY forgive them? Why can’t I let go enough to never experience that hurt, pain & darkness again?
Then, when that pain resurfaces I resort to bitterness. Replaying the situation in my head looking for proof I wasn’t a terrible human, or was I? Repenting to the Lord above if I ever made anyone feel the way I felt at that moment, I am truly sorry. Asking for mercy to take it all away. Next, I start to question everyone around me. To say I have trust issues is the understatement of the millennia. It has been my truth that EVERYONE around me is playing both sides. I can’t trust anyone and so I start to downward spiral, feeling alone and worthless and would be better off dead. I deserve this pain.
This has been the cycle since I was 13 years old. Here I am 45 and just replayed the ENTIRE cycle in a different situation with different people, but with ALL the same key factors.
ENOUGH!
People have been asking how I could just walk away while I was on top? My team was strong.
I am breaking the cycle. I am choosing to remove myself from something that has been internally destroying me.
The “End” is this:
The End of “staying” because if I leave I am weak.
The End of an abundance of shame and self-loathing because I am not who people want me to be or not to be ~ or I am not wanted when shining at my best or deep in my bad days.
The End of living a life in stagnant fear – A life God blessed me with that I should be doing so much more.
Railway Arch over the Bark River. Picture gotten from foursquare.
In high school, I lived on the top floor of a house. The downstairs was used for a business, maybe an attorney?? I honestly don’t remember. Our floor was 4 rooms and a bathroom. Nothing fancy. The magical thing about this house was its location. The backyard was abut the Bark River and Nixon park was on the other side. One of the popular summer hangouts and because so many kids were out and about there, we had daily friend visits and many requests to use our bathroom.
Hanging on our bathroom wall, directly across from the toilet was a framed paper with handwritten lyrics of the song “The Rose”. A song sung by Bette Midler that was number 1 on the Billboard charts for 5 weeks straight in 1980. You couldn’t help but read it EVERY SINGLE TIME you were using the facilities at my house.
One night, a bunch of my girlfriends & I were swinging on the front porch singing and somebody suggested we sing “The Rose”. Next, I was like “Hey! I know that song, it’s in my bathroom!” and they all laughed uncontrollably and replied, ” We ALL know that song because it’s in your bathroom!”
Today as I type this, almost 30 years later, I am in awe of how what is placed before us is consumed by our minds. It is so important to surround yourself with SUNSHINE and positivity and love and giggles! I leave you with the lyrics of ‘The Rose”. I hope it fills your thoughts with hope.
The Rose, Bette Midler
Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to bleed Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need I say love, it is a flower And you, its only seed
It’s the heart, afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It’s the dream, afraid of waking That never takes the chance It’s the one who won’t be taken Who cannot seem to give And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter Far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed that with the sun’s love In the spring becomes the rose
The first or second time I spoke with my BNFF after her finding out about crappy cancer, we talked about bucket list items. Of course, it was way too early to know anything, but we were jumping in mentally to be prepared for anything. One of the things mentioned was that if she were to lose her hair from Chemo, she was going to “GI Jane” it. She would shave her head proudly & on purpose before the chemo got it. I immediately told her I would shave my head right along with her. I didn’t care, it’s just hair. My thought process was “I can just donate it to do TWO good things at the same time.” I have donated before so I knew what a drastic change was like and honestly had no fear.
My birthday was coming up and I asked my family for fancy head accessories for when the time came. I explained to my kids it would be happening and that it didn’t mean I was sick, that I just wanted to be baldly beautiful with my BNFF. They even asked if they could too! LOL. (Proud Mom moment, but I suggested they stay just as they are.)
I started buying fancy sparkly eye makeup to draw attention to my eyes and away from my noggin. I started wearing hats and bandanas to get used to headgear. Since my go-to style is braids or a HUGE messy Mom bun. Then we thought the time had come. Chemo was starting and we were going to facetime and let our kids shave our heads.
I live across the country from my BNFF. In a situation where I have no control, I was going to represent solidarity with a tiny gesture of shaving my head. It’s just hair. I had confided in a few close friends what our plan was and I was surprised how shocked people were. “WOW, you are a great friend”. “I don’t think I would be able to do that, what a wonderful thing”. This baffled me. I wasn’t judging, but I seriously had no second thoughts or doubts that I should really think about this. It’s just hair.
At her first chemo session, a nurse told her not to shave her head because she may not lose it all, it might just thin out. She texts me from the appointment and lets me know we are going to wait and see what happens. I remind her I am here, if/when it’s “go time”.
The time came. She messaged me about her hair falling out while she was in the shower. Her kids would be with her the next day and we would do it then. That night as I lay in bed, I think about how nice it will be not to have to keep readjusting my hair when I roll over. I consistently think of all the “Pollyanna” positive in every situation. I am at peace with the whole situation. Tomorrow, I will be bald.
When I wake up I have a message from her:
“I was laying in bed thinking about it last night and realized I don’t want you to do that. I knew I was going to lose my hair with chemo and thought I had a good grasp on what that would feel like. Then when it all started coming out in the shower I ended up crying in my husbands’ arms. If I could keep my hair I would, so that is what I want you to do. I want you to keep your hair, please. I want you to braid it and put flowers in it and cherish every inch of it because I won’t be able to and I don’t know for how long. I want you to love it and brush it and do all the fun things you do. I love you for wanting to dive into it with me. So rather than doing that I just want you to “hold my hand” through all this and just be here like you already are. I love you and hope this all makes sense ”
CUE UGLE CRYING. I replied:
“I just didn’t want you to be the only beautiful bald woman out there. Hair is just hair. In a situation I have no control in, I wanted you to not be alone with this part. I will hold your hand no matter what.”
So tell me, is “love” me diving in with her, or her telling me not to? So many around her are not listening to her because they “know” what is best for her. It has been a consistent issue in her journey. I am going to respect her wishes. Maybe things will change in the future, but for now, she is the Boss. The Beautiful Brave Bald Boss.
I wish all of you feel the love of friendship like this in your life.
My friends have cancer. Yes “Friends”, with an S. I have felt helplessness like this before. When my children were diagnosed with Autism. It has been 4 months since the first friend was diagnosed and 1 month later the second friend. The whirlwind of emotions has completely broken me down. Variables aside, I have felt guilty to feel “bad”. After all, I am not the one who has cancer (knock on wood). This ISN’T about me. What right do I have to be upset, torn apart on the inside & angry? What right do I have to feel sorry for myself? I just have to watch, I don’t have to live it.
My friends are amazing. We’ve all known each other for over 20 years and really support each other. There were also periods when we went our separate ways to conquer our dreams and experience our chosen life paths, but then as soon as we reconnected…it was all the same. Picked up right where we left off.
Here’s the deal, and maybe the whole reason behind me writing this. I am giving myself permission to feel bad. I am acknowledging my pain and I am going to feel all the feelings I have been ashamed of because I’m not the one physically going through it.
WOE IS ME WORLD! My friends have cancer and it sucks! I am sad and I am heartbroken. I am so freaking mad I cannot support them more than our situations provide. I am mad about 100 other variables with people around them, who are so scared themselves and are hurting people while trying to control an uncontrollable situation. I am furious that one of my friends was actually told she didn’t have cancer & then less than a week later she gets a call and says “oops we made a mistake, we didn’t have the right report”.
My friends are phenomenal people. They are mothers and sisters and leaders and friends. They are my friends. My tribe, when my life wasn’t pretty & they never abandoned me. They are the truth tellers in my journey when I needed to hear the hard things. They are my cheering squad in my small accomplishments that the rest of the world never saw. They are the foundation and roots of the village that helped me become the Integrity Mastering, Super Momma that I am today!
I am upset, I am scared and I am pouring all my love their way.
I wander through this "waiting period", sharing life blips, autism testimonies, self discovery processes and growth inspirations ~
Until the Lord lets me know what I am to do next, I would love a cup of coffee.
”
acurbsideprophet 