Category Archives: Love

An Outward Expression of an Inward Decision.

Posted on September 20, 2022 | Leave a comment
9-11-22 Baptized in the gulf.

In 2019 I started a spiritual journey. I was in Puerto Morelos, a small fishing town in Mexico at a retreat to dream. The REAL reason I was there (I see now) was to be in the company of people who let me ask the hard questions without getting defensive.

  • How do you know that your daughters’ faith isn’t inherited?
  • Who the heck would sacrifice their child for the “free pass” of mankind’s sins? That’s just crazy pants!
  • The “church people” I know are some of the most judging people that exist, how can I be expected to follow hate?

I listened to personal testimonies and felt a yearning in my gut to be “chased” by Jesus, but still wasn’t ready to commit to anything. My entire life I had watched my Mother travel the world in search of truth. I was exposed to many religions, beliefs, & spiritual practices. Even to this day, she encourages me to find my own truth within my own journey.

For the next 3 years, I dug into the Word. I was given people who lived and breathed ministry to ask all of my questions. I questioned EVERYTHING. (Even today, I am STILL asking questions.) I also looked into who Jesus was in many different religions. There became no doubt in my mind that He walked the Earth, the question was “as who”?

I then started listening for the Holy Spirit. And boy oh boy I was led! Led to people, led to opportunities, led into abundance, and led back to the Lord. I was introduced to others in seasons of wanting to dig deeper into the Word and when that season passed, I was led to a new group of people digging in a different direction. God never left me alone with nobody to ask my questions to.

In August 2021, I started thinking about baptism. I have read many conflicting opinions if you needed to be baptized to get into heaven. For me, it was a difficult decision because I never want to commit or be locked into anything without full knowledge of what I am signing up for. I’ve seen many jump into faith because they needed something it offered, only to leave it later on. I am not judging their journey, I just like to be sure and by that time in my life, I realized the depth of what I was thinking of doing.

Up until this point, I had been reading my Bible daily. Completing Bible Study after Bible Study. I Tried a few churches only to feel “unqualified”. I even attended the children’s Bible study classes when I first started because I knew NOTHING. Covid hitting was probably a blessing because so many churches went online. I was able to start my own relationship with the Lord. I was able to watch many different sermons and expand my knowledge via many sources.

I started praying. We’ve always said what we were thankful for at dinner and if I was worried about something I would pray, but this was a serious “Let’s have a cup of coffee & get to know each other” kind of praying. I shared what I loved, what I didn’t understand, and what I was excited about or wrestling with. I thanked the Lord for every single thing and reminisced or reminded myself of all the ways He already showed up in my life. I often remember the bad things people say/do, yet am very forgetful of the good and so I wanted to make sure that good was always in front of my face.

He made me laugh. Yes, our Lord above has a sense of humor.

In September 2022 I was heading back to Mexico for another dream retreat, and looking at how far I had come in 3 years was astonishing. I had been tossing around how being baptized where it all began would be poetic, yet I was still leary. The devil was chasing me and doing everything he could to prevent it from happening.

My doubts:

  • This is a different path from my Mother~ who is the human I most respect. She spent years searching for her truth and found it, why wouldn’t I just start where she ended? She literally traveled the Earth and saw with her own eyes the representation of many spiritual practices.
  • What if I change my mind. What if, like so many before me, I start to doubt and walk away.
  • What about all the “Believers” who hate as much as they believe? How could I ever put myself in a situation to be associated with them? – This one stung badly.
  • I had the guilt for past sins. I wasn’t worthy. (I actually confessed these out loud for the first time in my life to 4 incredible women. They didn’t run, they got closer and shared with me their pasts. This moment I will treasure forever. Thank you, ladies)

My truths:

  • I have researched more than most.
  • I know within the love I crave and it is from HIM.
  • I am whole, alone. He will never forsake me & will use my life for good.
  • I have surrendered myself, the well-being of my children, and where I am placed in this world to Him.

Then I prayed. I shared my desire to get baptized, but I needed it to be okay in my head – away from hate, judgment, and the ignorance that so many claim as their faith.

God showed up.

I was talking to the man at the retreat who was ordained about what I was wrestling with & I find out a woman at the retreat was also ordained.

She loves Jesus. She loved hearing what each person at the retreat had to say as if they were the only other person in the room. She validated and empowered. She reminded me so much of my Momma. She was love. She is love, and she LOVES the Lord. She also is a lesbian. Although that is an irrelevant fact to me, it is important because it brings my spiritual journey full circle. It was the final gift from the Lord above to say:

“It’s okay Tiffany, you can do this now. Here is the last piece of my “all-acceptance” you needed to bring it all together and I welcome you into my family.”

It had nothing at all to do with her, but with me… being so wrapped up in the hate I see out there. I’m not writing for a debate of what is right or wrong, just testifying that in order for me to “sign up” I didn’t want to have to hate. Non-negotiable.

I walk into my newfound relationship with the Lord with pure LOVE. He is LOVE. We are Love. We are all his children and I chose love.

I’ve been internally struggling with sharing this because I know so many of you will disagree. But I am not here to fight. I am here to love. I am here to share. I give my battles to the Lord. He fights for me now. I just pray. (Watch the movie “War room“) and you will see what I mean).

This is my story. My Spiritual Journey.

Bubbles under the water are from me 🌊💛

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Posted in 2022, Love, Uncategorized, Within My Skin

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What are you willing to endure to find the peace you long for?

Posted on September 19, 2022 | 1 comment
Deep thoughts while dreaming in Mexico.

I’m Sorry, really.

With growth, comes remorse.

Over the past two years, I have slowly eliminated people, places, things, habits, hobbies, & jobs from my life. I’ve created space that I am in no hurry to fill back up. I find as I become older, with my spiritual journey as a prime focus, my circle keeps getting smaller and smaller. Not because I don’t love people, places, jobs, habits, etc… But because they keep me complacent. I’ve also noticed my awareness is extremely enhanced and I start to see words, actions, and behaviors I had said/done in the past that wasn’t the very best version of myself. My brokenness prompted behaviors that were hurtful.

“Hurt people hurt people”.
If I ever hurt you, I’m sorry.

I also am able to see more clearly, at times when I was hurt and I took it personally – when it was instead somebody else’s brokenness projected onto me.
If you hurt me, all is forgiven.

This isn’t a blame game blog… This is me fully owning my shit and feeling the disappointment I have within – even though I didn’t know any better at the time – that I can see clearly that I may have been hurtful in the past. Hurtful to family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, random people in the public, etc.

However, let’s talk about the thing that has come up over a dozen times in the last week. The icky grey area where you know people, jobs, etc aren’t bringing out the best in you, but you don’t want to “hurt feelings” by letting them go.

I have no idea why it took me so long to “draw that line in the sand” and “put up those river banks so I’m not swampy” and finally CREATE boundaries!

  • Why, as humans are we SO AFRAID of the response or opinions of others, that we continue to stay miserable or content as we are.
  • Why aren’t we fighting for who we were created to be?
  • Why is it a negative thing to rid of toxicity and control the space around you?


It’s like we are so afraid to offend those who are destroying us, that we stay put. (Read that again…)
In what world does that even make sense!?

Defending your space is NOT stirring the pot or causing drama. Wanting to be happy is NOT a guilty or gluttonous desire. Yes, change is scary. Walking away from friendships, jobs, and a way of life you’ve known for too long can trigger moments of doubt and disappointment
BUT
I guarantee once you get over that bridge, you will be asking yourself what took you so long. Maybe not right away, but as the stress fades, the habits die, and the feeling you owe anyone anything (besides yourself) diminishes… You will be walking in peace. A calm you haven’t known – or forgot even existed.

If you were brave enough to create those boundaries and let go of what no longer serves you with the possibility of residual negative feedback, I am so stinkin’ proud of you! I am proud of your desire to control what is in your space and what takes up your time. I am proud of you for loving yourself more than the hate you may receive for choosing YOU!

🎇🎉YOU are the ONLY person who has to live with YOU for the rest of your life! Don’t give others the POWER over your happiness! Reclaim that power and LOVE the Life you Live! ✨🌼🌞

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Posted in 2022, friendship, Love, My Forgiveness Journey, Within My Skin

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My Autism Story, Part 8 – The Ugly Nobody Talks About.

Posted on September 8, 2022 | Leave a comment
They understood each other.

Today I want to share a passage I wrote while I was in the trenches. Please know I would not change my children for the world. They are EXACTLY who God created them to be. This was a time in my life that I was struggling and lost and felt so very alone. While the rest of my friends and cousins my age were out building empires and getting degrees, I was trying to find my footing in a world that didn’t know how to help. I wasn’t able to get a babysitter, go out with friends, or leave the house. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I am just trying to bring awareness. Maybe you have been here. Maybe you have felt guilty for having feelings like these. It’s okay, friend. I’ve been there too.

~~~~~~~~~~ You may want tissues, I cried while typing.

Autism SUCKS! It is inconvenient, socially inappropriate, and INTENSE. As a parent, it was heartbreaking to me at first. It put a HUGE toll on & ended my already broken marriage.

Now, being a “parent” meant more than putting your kids first. It meant stopping your whole “YOU” to dedicate every single second, yes second… to a person who won’t look at you, can’t talk to you, and has no awareness of anything around them. A person YOU CREATED – with no acknowledgment of your hard work. No progress to “report”. Nobody around you understands. There is no way for anyone to even comprehend. Unless you are physically “in the trenches”, pouring your soul into that what you love most & seeing almost no results.

I am mad. I am bitter and angry and have resentment towards EVERY SINGLE PERSON who isn’t in my shoes.

  • I am mad that Dad gets to leave the house and go to work. Or skip out on most of his “visitation days” to start dating again, while I am locked in my damn apartment trying to stay sane.
  • I am bitter that my friends have vanished. They are busy with playgroups and swim lessons and all the things we can’t effin’ do because just leaving the house puts my kids into a frenzied whirl that will affect us for days.
  • I am furious that “family” cannot handle my children or who I’ve become while in the trenches. “It’s a culture shock” “It’s too much” “You are mentally unstable.”
  • I am jealous (REALLY REALLY JEALOUS) that relatives are all having kids too, and they are all healthy ~ Reaching milestones, and getting to enjoy all the “firsts” that I don’t even know will ever come for me.

I feel like I am being punished. Why me?! Why not her? Her family has money to get more support than I have. Why not him? He did all sorts of crazy shit growing up that may inflict bad genes.

What did I do so wrong to have my life’s freedom stripped away so intensely that I cannot even go get a cup of coffee? Why do I have to watch my son scream with anger and hold him down so he doesn’t hurt himself or us – just because he couldn’t get toys to stack the way he wanted? Why does this feel like a life sentence?? I love my children with my entire being and my love isn’t enough. I cannot make the anger stop. I cannot get the screaming to stop. I cannot get the … Autism… to stop.

So on top of all this loathing – let’s bring on the judgment of the “Experts”.

Every single Autistic person is different, and the world does not even know what causes autism or the best way to “handle it.” ( I say that rolling my eyes). Our house was Grand Central Station with therapists, case workers, etc… All wanting to try things that “might work”. Me saying: “Yes, we will try anything.” because I had fear within that the one thing I didn’t try would be the “cure” to it all. Pretty soon you’ve got an exhausted Momma on anti-depressants who cried alone regularly.

One day I was sitting at the dining room table looking at the list of people who were supposed to come that day for the kids and I just closed my eyes. I was at the end. I was way past overwhelmed and struggling to maintain. This wasn’t me being a good Mom. This was me doing what society says I should, at all costs for my children. But was it worth us being rundown and weak? Why would my kids want to interact with anyone who was trying to change them? Isn’t there a better way to help them grow and find themselves? I then started crossing people off my list.

  • Is this working for either of my kids?
  • Have I seen improvements, even small ones?
  • Are they happy while doing it?
  • What areas did they enjoy that brought them into our world?
  • What was I doing just because “someone” said it worked for “someone” somewhere out in the world and they wanted to use my kids as guinea pigs to see if they could get it to work too?
  • Whose best interest was a priority? My children or the “experience” this would give someone with this Autism thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it is trial and error for each child, but how long do you keep trying? How many months/years can they scream in protest with me just watching? I was shamed for this. I was told I was making a mistake of a lifetime. I was “that Mom” when talking to therapists. The one who didn’t know… didn’t love enough … and was being selfish. Hindsight, I think they were upset they lost a client more than the well-being of my children that they claimed.

It is normal to have a limit on what we are able to endure. No matter what anyone EVER tells you… You as the parent know what is best for YOUR child. I am not a bad parent or weak for stopping half of the therapies. I am not a bad parent for wanting them to learn through play, even if it is parallel play. I do believe early intervention is the most important time. I gave two years of my life slaving away at it because I love my children more than ANYTHING in this world. As much as my family calls me “Super Mom”, “Warrior Mom” or “Wonder Woman”, as many capes as I have in my closet, I am still human.

#ThursdayAutismAwareness
I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday.
I have 21 years of experience.

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Posted in 2022, Autism, depression, Love, My Autism Story

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September 7th, 1946 ~ Love was in the Air

Posted on September 7, 2022 | 1 comment
June 1956, Neenah, Wisconsin.

Marriage: a legally and socially sanctioned union.

I’ve been married twice. The first time, I was young and it was alright until I realized it wasn’t. I did get my two older kids though and that made it all worthwhile. After that, I never wanted to get married again. It was like a checklist.

Marriage ✅

Boxed checked, no need to revisit that. I dated a bit and always stumbled when we got the part about my 2 autistic kids. Honestly, I blame nobody for that. That is a serious amount of baggage. I may have steered clear myself if roles were reversed.

When I started seeing my current husband, it was more about sharing life together, kids included. He traveled a lot for work and we would hop in the van during the summer and drive to wherever he was. He took us to Dino cafes & dig sites, Build-a-Bear, Mini Golf, alligator feedings, and whatever fun attractions were nearby. He played with them and valued who they are. We talked about marriage and it was never really a priority for me. A couple years later, I found myself pregnant. I was happy. He was a good man and would be an amazing Father, but I still didn’t need to get married. In fact, now I didn’t want to because I didn’t want him to think he HAD to because of the baby. Yes, he wanted to marry me before I was pregnant, I just didn’t want to risk divorce again.

The summer before Xander turned one, I finally agreed. It was important to him. He wanted a full family. He even wanted to adopt my older children. Since then we’ve had some serious highs and lows. He has never faltered. His unwavering love reminds me of my Grandparents.

My Grandfather loved my Grandmother unconditionally through all of her trials. He supported her creativity and they spent so much time together bird watching all over the country, gardening, and attending concerts. They spent many summers in Michigan at the very cottage that revives my soul each year.

He loved her deeply. My husband loves me deeply. That kind of deeply. Through all my brokenness. He is here encouraging me to write, paint, read, & evolve into the person that the Lord needs me to be. I share this today because today is my Grandparents’ wedding anniversary. A true example of love. I hope they are slow dancing in Heaven.

September 7th, 1946 – The wedding anniversary of an incredible couple.

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Posted in 2022, Love, Uncategorized

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Galactic Birthday

Posted on September 2, 2022 | Leave a comment
Giving me ALL the feels!

14,197 days ago, my Husband was born. I talked about his awesomeness last week, but last night as I was reading through an old journal of my Grandmothers’ (Which I’ve been slowly reading chronologically) I realize the page I’m reading, was written on the exact day he was born. Friday, September 2nd, 1983.

These little “God Winks” or “signs” always make me warm and fuzzy inside. Almost like a gift from the universe.

“I see you, Tiffany.”

“You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”

On this particular day, My Grandmother played the organ for a wedding that morning. She said “Hearing the exact words that were spoken at our (Her and my Grandfathers’) wedding made me realize what we had promised to “be” for each other ~ “Cherishing” in sickness & health ~ For better or worse ~ That’s the name of the game alright!”

Ironic it all happened the day my husband came earthside? I won’t be offended if this puts me in the cuckoo column, but things like this, to me, are like being hugged by something far bigger than I could ever comprehend.

But there’s more.

My Grandmother went on to share details about her day, and at the end of her entry she says ” We had smelt & salad for supper ~ Played the recorder til late ~ then went out in the yard to see if I could see any falling stars ~ I didn’t, but I did see Cassiopeia and the Big Dipper ~ It’s a lovely still balmy evening.”

If you know anything about my husband & me ~ it’s that we started off conquering the galaxy together. So to read about her reflecting on a marriage that lasted over 59 years, while she also is finding solace in the stars… It invoked a really great feeling.

Here is her short poem from that night:

“To make the stars “home”

we pattern their shining

in the huge darkened dome

of the sky.

There’s the Big Dipper

and Cassiopeia

from her chair

is gazing nearby.

Making meaning by naming

the patterns of the stars

gives a sense of belonging

in this odd world of ours.”

Poem by Faith L. Sanders

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My Autism Story, Part 7 – And Then There Were Two.

Posted on September 1, 2022 | Leave a comment
My whole world.

I remember taking Preston to the pediatrician and voicing concerns about Preston also showing signs of Autism. Maybe I had a heightened sense of awareness, maybe I was looking for it since I felt I had failed my first child when I didn’t know something was wrong.

At the appointment, the doctor walked in and said “Hello, I hear we have concerns that Preston has delays as well. I have NEVER heard of any family having more than one autistic child in their family, but let’s see what we’ve got here”

8 months later we had a second diagnosis.

I would also like to share that about a year later that same pediatrician said to me “It’s not surprising at all, I read about many families with multiple children on the spectrum” This is when I knew, I was paving the way in more ways than one.

The beautiful and terrible thing about Autism is that each person is different. What works for one, might not for another. Where one struggles, the next may excel. I know many parents hate when there are “Rain Man” references, but that is what was said a LOT to describe his personality. Especially in my eyes, he was BRILLIANT – compared to everything I had experienced with my daughter.

But with the good came the bad. My son wasn’t happy. At least with Trinity, there was laughter and smiles within “Trinity World”. She had joy. Preston seemed uncomfortable within his own skin. He had a constant state of anxiety or rage bubbling. He was quick to anger – not just to others, but to himself.

He also was frickin’ Houdini! He would run faster than Speedy Gonzales. After my first marriage ended, I was living in an apartment. I had a deadbolt lock, chain lock, AND a keyed lock from the inside (I wore the key around my neck). I remember one winter day I had just brought stuff home from the store and had to use the bathroom right away. I locked the deadbolt and chain, but couldn’t wait to do the key. I ran to the bathroom and less than a minute later I hear the door slam. I RAN! That little stinker pulled a dining room chair to the door, unlocked the locks, and ran away in less than 60 seconds – HE WAS 4 years old!! And he was gone! In a diaper, in the winter cold. I looked for 3 minutes and called the police right away! He was found 15 minutes after the police came and that was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

I have a lot to share about my experiences with Preston, but I think it’s best to spread them out. Behavioral health is tricky and resources were nonexistent. He has had a hard journey and it wasn’t because he was bad. It was just how he was made. **Spoiler ** He turns out just fine. I just like to focus on the positives. We all have our ish right?!

These two were my only priority. I lived and breathed FOR them. If not me, then who?

#ThursdayAutismAwareness
I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday.
I have 21 years of experience.

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The One God Made For Me.

Posted on August 23, 2022 | 1 comment

Today I write about a man I don’t ever want to live without. My husband.

In 2012, I played an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role play game) video game on my computer (SWTOR- Star Wars the Old Republic). As a single mother of 2 autistic children, I needed a pastime that was in my home & also provided socialization. Going anywhere was a nightmare and respite & child care was a constant battle.

I spent years defending the galaxy with people all over the world. I was a healer. Shocking I know, taking care of others in the trenches. I participated in a LOT of PVP (player vs. player) battles and having a healer was essential. I didn’t suck and was asked to tag along all of the time. I found people I enjoyed. We all had our reasons for gaming. I actually met a lot of other parents of disabled kiddos. Then I met a man. We accomplished many things in the virtual world. We became household names on our server. (I wasn’t the best, but he may have been close LOL yolo) My name was Cuore. His name was Tae.

Inside an Imperial Destroyer

Finally one spring in April we decided to meet in person. He was in St. Louis for business and God himself threw together a dozen people to handle my kids for 5 days. It was bizarre meeting him LOL. It’s funny how you can talk with someone for hours each day and yet – being face to face is like starting from the beginning.

10 months later we decide to live together. The kids call him Mister Tae.

He was the first man to ever intentionally be a part of my children’s lives.

He was there:

  • When Trin was having MRIs for cysts in her brain.
  • When she got her period.
  • At EVERY SINGLE Special Olympic practice.
  • When Preston sang the National Anthem at multiple venues.
  • To teach them how to ride scooters.
  • Every Christmas he spent all the money he received as a gift, back on the kids – He wanted them to have everything they wanted.
  • To take Preston to the Movies and they played video games together.
  • To read to them at night and talked to them every evening at dinner about their day.
  • When the schools failed us.
  • At the ER/doctor when they got sick.
  • When they cried from frustration.
  • Dancing to Pikachu and Charlie the Unicorn Music.
  • Jumping waves in Lake Michigan.

And… a million other things. He was always there. He was there on the worst days when it would have been so much easier to leave. He chose us. He chose THEM. He chose to stay.

Find someone you can be silly with.

I am not the easiest person to love. I will be the first to admit this. I left my first marriage. I’m sure it was a relief for us both. I was different after having kids. The depression I had as a teen was amplified after childbirth. I am surprised we lasted as long as we did. I have baggage from childhood and I would rather have been alone the rest of my life than staying and making us both miserable. I will say, however – my first husband never asked me to stay. I’m not shaming him for that. Just noting a difference.

Mister Tae, James, Alex – He goes by many names in our home. He has seen me at my absolute worst. He has seen me ready to die. He has seen me fail, be ugly, & stuck in darkness. He also has been the one there to pull me out. He is loyal to a level I can only compare to God not forsaking us. My Husband loves me like I’ve never known love. He wants me to succeed, be happy & thrive. He wants me to have everything – lucky for him I am a minimalist LOL! He loves to travel as much as I do and will book us flights at a drop of a hat for a quick getaway. He is kind and takes care of me in a way I have been failed to by others, over and over again. I know God’s plan is perfect. I know I am exactly where I need to be to do His best work. I feel fully accepted, unfathomably loved & undeniably fortunate.

Allē Starlight Lounge on 66 – Las Vegas
Cancun, Mexico

Mister Tae asked me to marry him a million times. This story is for another time, but after a few years, I finally agreed. This Friday will be our 8th Wedding Anniversary. It’s been messy and wonderful and hard and adventurous. He still makes me laugh and I can still make him blush. Cheers to many more!

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Posted in 2022, depression, friendship, Love

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19 Years Young

Posted on August 22, 2022 | 2 comments
Preston James Sanders

This past weekend, my middle little turned 19 years old. Preston is my most polite child. All of my children have good manners but he is EXTREMELY polite. Every Single Time we are in a social setting since he was 5 years old, I have been told how polite he is.

Preston is also my child who struggled the most to be inside his own body. He has had a very difficult journey and has come so far! He is witty and creative and so so kind. He puts everyone else’s needs before his own. He has a gift for music. He has been asked to sing the National Anthem multiple times since he was 10 years old. Sporting Events, School Events, City Events ~ He is in demand. He is also my piano player and often gifts me music on my birthday and Christmas that he performs.

Preston was a twin and I lost his sibling early in the pregnancy. I remember praying for him to hold on, and stay strong. After he was born, I always had a lingering feeling that Preston’s twin was still meant to be. Maybe in my future. After he too was diagnosed as Autistic, I still held onto that feeling. My family thought I was nuts! “Tiffany! You have 2 Autistic kids, you do NOT need more on your plate!”

Growing up I always wanted 10 kids. I gave up that dream after Trinity was Diagnosed, but I was already pregnant again with Preston. I just knew with my entire being that there was one more. I was a foster parent for a few years and made a difference, but that wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

10 years later I was married to someone new & that’s when the baby came. The baby I KNEW I was supposed to have. Now I was done.

I share this story because I want you to know – Preston is BEST FRIENDS with this delayed sibling. You wouldn’t even know there are 10 years between them. His Autism makes him the same “age”. They enjoy the same things, play the same video games and watch the same movies. When Preston goes to a store while in transition academy (A daily skills school for disabled adults) he ALWAYS gets something for his little brother.

God makes no mistakes. It also confirms to me to trust my gut.

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My Autism Story, Part Five.

Posted on August 18, 2022 | Leave a comment
My Bathing Beauty

Me: “Hi Mom! The doctor just called and said the baby does not have down syndrome and she’s a GIRL!”

Mom: “Oh Tiffany I am so happy. Thank Goodness!”.

Me: “I am so excited! A baby Girl! YAY! Time to buy Pink tutus!! Will you let everyone up there know we have a healthy baby girl on the way please?”

Mom: “Yes, I will call Grandma first! This is such wonderful news!”

I think about this conversation often. I was one of the many women who had a false positive alpha-fetoprotein test. I had an amniocentesis to check the baby’s risk of birth defects and genetic disorders, such as neural tube defects or Down syndrome. I remember hanging magazine pictures of children and babies with down syndrome on my kitchen cabinets. I was ready to love my baby no matter how she was born & was processing it all in my head.

After the call, I thought the worst was over. I assumed I was in the clear.

How naive? Presumptuous? How wrong I was to think those were the only defects that were on the table. Maybe just inexperienced? Young? Maybe I just thought I was “Untouchable” because my entire family was healthy.

Looking back I see how insignificant I am. How limited my knowledge is. God trumps all of my plans. Life is never what we think it will be.

And yet, everything is perfect.

This was the first of many situations in that I began to realize we are all part of something bigger where anything is possible. Odds are bigger than they seem and I am not exempt from anything. But with each wave, I will flow with it all.

#ThursdayAutismAwareness
I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday.
I have 21 years of experience.

SOMETHING NEW! 👇

Question of the DAY!

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Six.

Posted on August 16, 2022 | Leave a comment
Floating in Peace.

As I heal, I find peace. I have fully embraced my past. Embraced the pain & let down, and felt all of the emotions. I have grieved and told the little girl within me that all her feelings are valid and she was safe to feel all of those feelings. To cry it out, to get mad, to go through the emotional scale.

Then there is calm and I am “floating”. The peace I have now was worth feeling all of the pain. This whole time I thought I had dealt with it, but I had unreleased deeply suppressed emotions within. I still get triggers sometimes, but it’s NOTHING compared to before. I sit in the trigger, feel out the pain and repeat the healing process.

Making space in my life, to deal with this head-on (crying for weeks) was the BEST thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. Removing myself from everything that chipped away at my self-worth, has saved my life. Literally! I know realistically, that most people cannot just walk away from their job. Most people don’t have the ability to STOP life to deal with past trauma.

When I look back though, I am overflowing with relief and I cannot even fathom living out my days the way I have the last 4 years. I even feel like I wasted so much time suffering. We get ONE LIFE. Why are we muddling through trying to survive instead of dealing with our ISH and reclaiming our joy? I am ashamed I even thought I wasn’t strong enough to get to the other side of forgiveness. That I thought I could push it aside and ignore the pain. Or half deal with it – until I was distracted from Life and stopped.

Until it is dealt with – in your face – until you have felt it all and worked through the healing process – It WILL keep resurfacing. To take a few months out of my life to ensure the REST of my life will be full of love and peace, was worth it! I wish I would have faced the music years ago, but I know God’s plan is always perfect timing.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been so full of love. I notice I have more patience. A calm listening ear. I am more gentle. I started writing letters of kindness to people who have touched my life. I feel that this is a second chance and I want to do my part to bring sunshine vibes and good into the world. I’ve even started a Facebook group that’s sole purpose is to lift people up! Feel free to seek it out when you have a case of the blues.

I love my life again. Every inch of it.

This doesn’t mean I am not frustrated with menopause stuff or Stupid IEPs for the kids or that my husband doesn’t drive me bananas, it means I am a walking being of love. My entire view of what surrounds me has shifted. I forgive those who’ve brought me pain. I can say their name out loud finally and not feel sick to my stomach. I wish them all well and abundant happiness. It’s been a journey for sure, and like I said above, I still get triggers. But the worst is over.

I’m not sure how much more I will write in this forgiveness series. Maybe I will share AHA’s I get from my many books or any “Tiffany Epiphanies” I have from triggers yet to surface. But I want to thank you for sharing this rough road and seeing me through it. Hopefully, all that is left is Smoooooth Sailing.

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Posted in 2022, Love, My Forgiveness Journey

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