Category Archives: My Forgiveness Journey

Follow my journey of healing through forgiveness and self discovery.

What are you willing to endure to find the peace you long for?

Posted on September 19, 2022 | 1 comment
Deep thoughts while dreaming in Mexico.

I’m Sorry, really.

With growth, comes remorse.

Over the past two years, I have slowly eliminated people, places, things, habits, hobbies, & jobs from my life. I’ve created space that I am in no hurry to fill back up. I find as I become older, with my spiritual journey as a prime focus, my circle keeps getting smaller and smaller. Not because I don’t love people, places, jobs, habits, etc… But because they keep me complacent. I’ve also noticed my awareness is extremely enhanced and I start to see words, actions, and behaviors I had said/done in the past that wasn’t the very best version of myself. My brokenness prompted behaviors that were hurtful.

“Hurt people hurt people”.
If I ever hurt you, I’m sorry.

I also am able to see more clearly, at times when I was hurt and I took it personally – when it was instead somebody else’s brokenness projected onto me.
If you hurt me, all is forgiven.

This isn’t a blame game blog… This is me fully owning my shit and feeling the disappointment I have within – even though I didn’t know any better at the time – that I can see clearly that I may have been hurtful in the past. Hurtful to family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, random people in the public, etc.

However, let’s talk about the thing that has come up over a dozen times in the last week. The icky grey area where you know people, jobs, etc aren’t bringing out the best in you, but you don’t want to “hurt feelings” by letting them go.

I have no idea why it took me so long to “draw that line in the sand” and “put up those river banks so I’m not swampy” and finally CREATE boundaries!

  • Why, as humans are we SO AFRAID of the response or opinions of others, that we continue to stay miserable or content as we are.
  • Why aren’t we fighting for who we were created to be?
  • Why is it a negative thing to rid of toxicity and control the space around you?


It’s like we are so afraid to offend those who are destroying us, that we stay put. (Read that again…)
In what world does that even make sense!?

Defending your space is NOT stirring the pot or causing drama. Wanting to be happy is NOT a guilty or gluttonous desire. Yes, change is scary. Walking away from friendships, jobs, and a way of life you’ve known for too long can trigger moments of doubt and disappointment
BUT
I guarantee once you get over that bridge, you will be asking yourself what took you so long. Maybe not right away, but as the stress fades, the habits die, and the feeling you owe anyone anything (besides yourself) diminishes… You will be walking in peace. A calm you haven’t known – or forgot even existed.

If you were brave enough to create those boundaries and let go of what no longer serves you with the possibility of residual negative feedback, I am so stinkin’ proud of you! I am proud of your desire to control what is in your space and what takes up your time. I am proud of you for loving yourself more than the hate you may receive for choosing YOU!

🎇🎉YOU are the ONLY person who has to live with YOU for the rest of your life! Don’t give others the POWER over your happiness! Reclaim that power and LOVE the Life you Live! ✨🌼🌞

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Posted in 2022, friendship, Love, My Forgiveness Journey, Within My Skin

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Six.

Posted on August 16, 2022 | Leave a comment
Floating in Peace.

As I heal, I find peace. I have fully embraced my past. Embraced the pain & let down, and felt all of the emotions. I have grieved and told the little girl within me that all her feelings are valid and she was safe to feel all of those feelings. To cry it out, to get mad, to go through the emotional scale.

Then there is calm and I am “floating”. The peace I have now was worth feeling all of the pain. This whole time I thought I had dealt with it, but I had unreleased deeply suppressed emotions within. I still get triggers sometimes, but it’s NOTHING compared to before. I sit in the trigger, feel out the pain and repeat the healing process.

Making space in my life, to deal with this head-on (crying for weeks) was the BEST thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. Removing myself from everything that chipped away at my self-worth, has saved my life. Literally! I know realistically, that most people cannot just walk away from their job. Most people don’t have the ability to STOP life to deal with past trauma.

When I look back though, I am overflowing with relief and I cannot even fathom living out my days the way I have the last 4 years. I even feel like I wasted so much time suffering. We get ONE LIFE. Why are we muddling through trying to survive instead of dealing with our ISH and reclaiming our joy? I am ashamed I even thought I wasn’t strong enough to get to the other side of forgiveness. That I thought I could push it aside and ignore the pain. Or half deal with it – until I was distracted from Life and stopped.

Until it is dealt with – in your face – until you have felt it all and worked through the healing process – It WILL keep resurfacing. To take a few months out of my life to ensure the REST of my life will be full of love and peace, was worth it! I wish I would have faced the music years ago, but I know God’s plan is always perfect timing.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been so full of love. I notice I have more patience. A calm listening ear. I am more gentle. I started writing letters of kindness to people who have touched my life. I feel that this is a second chance and I want to do my part to bring sunshine vibes and good into the world. I’ve even started a Facebook group that’s sole purpose is to lift people up! Feel free to seek it out when you have a case of the blues.

I love my life again. Every inch of it.

This doesn’t mean I am not frustrated with menopause stuff or Stupid IEPs for the kids or that my husband doesn’t drive me bananas, it means I am a walking being of love. My entire view of what surrounds me has shifted. I forgive those who’ve brought me pain. I can say their name out loud finally and not feel sick to my stomach. I wish them all well and abundant happiness. It’s been a journey for sure, and like I said above, I still get triggers. But the worst is over.

I’m not sure how much more I will write in this forgiveness series. Maybe I will share AHA’s I get from my many books or any “Tiffany Epiphanies” I have from triggers yet to surface. But I want to thank you for sharing this rough road and seeing me through it. Hopefully, all that is left is Smoooooth Sailing.

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Five ~ Stinky Fish.

Posted on August 8, 2022 | Leave a comment
Stinky Fish.

I am reading Kyle Cease’s book “The Illusion of Money” with my husband and it says “Your relationship with money is just a mirror to your relationship with yourself.”

In all honesty, this book isn’t really about Money, but more about the restrictions we place on ourselves to prevent us from being abundant in any form.

I start unpacking all the beliefs and reasons I have “decided” are why I am not as abundant as I would like to be.

  • Money is only for educated people.
  • Money is something to covet.
  • Money determines success.
  • Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Even as I type these now I see how ridiculous it all is! Then I start digging into WHY I think these things. SHOCKING NEWS AHEAD: it all stems from my two trauma issues I have been writing about this whole time!

I have been letting their opinions of my worthiness control my relationship with money. I didn’t do what I was “supposed” to do in life, so I will never be as financially abundant as they are.

***But, when it comes to “me-being-me unapologetically” in ANY other situation, I love myself whole-heartedly, unconditionally, and with pride. ~ While wearing a ginormous sparkling crown, and excessive amounts of body glitter.

I just keep getting tripped up on the conditional terms of the trauma situations.

I legit hear those people saying in my head: “There isn’t enough money or abundance in the world for people like you.”

Hear. Me. Now.

NOBODY gets to decide if I am worthy enough to be financially abundant or a good enough leader or smart enough or valuable enough EXCEPT ME!!!

I AM TAKING MY POWER BACK.

Fun Fact: I don’t eat fish or seafood. I am a Pisces and don’t eat my own kind 😉 So I have decided that when someone projects their opinion of my worthiness on me, or I am haunted by the lies I’ve let my brain repeat to me ~ I am just going to think of it as being offered fish. “No, Thank you. That’s not for me.”

They can eat as much as they want and share with whomever they want, but for me, it’s just fish and I can get by just fine without it. I’m not in a hateful place, quite the opposite actually. Sitting in my love of not eating fish. I am completely removing the power control from them and turning their beliefs into stinky fish.

It is this simple and ridiculous. Does it sting when people don’t like you? Sure, but it also clears a path for the universe to bring you to your Non-Fish eating tribe. Am I judging people who eat fish? Heck no! Not everyone likes everything and I am sure they might cringe at my hummus and veggie platter.

We get to decide our worth. YOU get to decide YOUR worth. You get to decide your success level! As an Autism Momma, small wins are BIG WINS. Why would I EVER let anyone diminish the hard work my kids do? Sometimes, just getting out of bed is a HUGE win for my friends with depression. You bet your bottom I will be the loudest cheerleader for them!

There are literally NO LIMITS to your capabilities if you can just get out of your own way. Screw what anyone else ever led you to believe. They were just offering you stinky fish!

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My Forgiveness Journey Part Four ~ Loyalty & Betrayal

Posted on August 3, 2022 | Leave a comment
Unpacking the facts & finishing my part of the puzzle.

Loyalty: a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

Betrayal: violation of a person’s trust or confidence

I was going to make these two separate posts, for fear it would be too long, but I think I can keep it short. I respect your time as much as mine…

I have had betrayal issues for as long as I can remember. As a girl, a person I trusted read my diary, & lied to me – up to last month when I went full circle and saw people who were my “Friends” – apparently weren’t.

“Who needs enemies with friends like mine?”

I’ve slowly been unpacking and breaking down situations and sitting in the facts. There is a fine line between Loyalty & Betrayal.

  • If someone hurt you, should your bestie become their friend? What if they didn’t know you were hurt?
  • What if someone hated someone you are close to, and made it their mission to destroy you out of association?
  • What if your friend struggles with acceptance issues and just needs to belong so they “Protected” you by befriending them behind your back?

My point is (before I give a million more scenarios) that I am more loyal than anyone I know. Fiercely loyal. I will fight tigers, climb volcanos & donate organs – kind of loyal. But my entire life I’ve had a flaw. I expect, hope, and pray that someone would be that for me. And since 99% of the world has their own ish, that isn’t a viable expectation.

As an enneagram 5, I live for facts! Facts are my favorite thing in the world. They help me sort out truth from emotional perception and I am so thankful that the few who are loyal to me, can sit me down to discuss “facts” to process the emotional triggers I have.

Conclusion: My journey has not only been for me to grow into the person the Lord needs me to be BUT also, I am a puzzle piece to MANY other lessons for other people. So what people decide to do with my hurts & betrayals is none of my business. It SUCKS and is UNFAIR and I have been grieving the friendships that were an illusion, but that part is their lesson. I am already moving on to the next chapter. My part in that puzzle is over.

To have clarity and peace over how betrayal has been haunting me is liberating.

Lastly, I am aware that EVERYTHING above is all Ego and Mind.

According to Deepak Chopra,

“You stop being ruled by self-image when:

  • You feel what you feel
  • You are no longer offended by things
  • You stop appraising how a situation makes you look.
  • You don’t exclude people you feel superior or inferior to
  • You quit worrying about what others think about you
  • You no longer obsess over money, status, and possessions
  • You no longer feel the urge to defend your opinions“

By eliminating myself from the puzzle that I have already put my pieces into, I am able to check off 5 things above that I was wrestling with.

How do you work through betrayal?

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Three.

Posted on July 27, 2022 | 2 comments
Feel the pain.

I am on the other side of some rough days. Over the past few days, I have been shown many things about toxic positivity and avoiding pain. (I will share a link below to a fantastic article from another blogger), but I had another “Tiffany Ephiphany!”

I had the most “AH-HA!” moment while reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book “Forgive what you can’t forget.”

“At some point, we need to stop imagining the way things “should be” so much that we can’t acknowledge what it is. You can only heal what you are willing to acknowledge is real.”

And it dawned on me, that not only have I been denying myself from “feeling” for a super long time, I’ve been caught up in how things SHOULD HAVE BEEN. What SHOULD have happened. How I SHOULD have been treated. What they SHOULD have done.

Feeling the Feelings

Yes, I have my bad days – REALLY bad days, but then I suppress the feelings and move forward.

  • I’m fine, I’m moving on.
  • I don’t have time or energy to deal with this, I’m over it.
  • I forgive them, the pain will fade eventually
  • God will take care of it.
  • I am going to focus on all the things I am thankful for.

I had to, I have responsibilities, kids, work, friends, and people who look to me to “Be The Sunshine.” It reminded me of Robin Williams. He was so full of Joy, always smiling and the light for millions of people. Yet inside had vast amounts of pain.

I have never just sat in my pain and felt it without distractions or interruptions. As my mom says, there is a little girl inside me who just needs to hear that her feelings are valid and allow her to grieve and feel that pain inside my body as long as she needs, to get it out.

All of this is so messed up because I am the FIRST one to tell my friends to FEEL what they are going through! Let it out! Work through the Emotional Scale. Unpack that baggage, your ticket is refundable and you need to work through this!

My Husband & I sat down with the kids and told them that Momma had some bad things happen in her life a long time ago and in order for me to properly heal, I need to face that sadness/anger/fear. This means, that over the next few weeks I may be crying or lost in thought, but it has NOTHING to do with them and it won’t last forever.

What Should have happened

Well, It DIDN’T! Nothing more to say about it, or think about it, or get mad about it.

End. Of. Story.

So cheers to healing and keeping the tissue companies in business.

Here is the Toxic Positivity article that I loved

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Two.

Posted on July 26, 2022 | Leave a comment

I was challenged to try and separate the painful moments from the beautiful moments in each situation.

In the first cycle – I was young. I don’t remember much honestly and the things I do remember were shaming and alcohol-infused. Or trumped by a whole other war that was happening at the same time. I tried talking to my husband about this, but I ended up angry with lots crying. I felt robbed that I could NOT think of anything “good” during the first 13 years of my life with this person. A person I was supposed to be able to trust. A person who should have put me ahead of so many things. A person who SHOULD have chosen me. A person I could never be good enough for. A person who would meanly “tease” me and make me feel stupid. Who would laugh when others were cruel. A person who was so distracted by booze and being cool and material things – Who couldn’t be bothered by the emotions of a young girl.

In the second cycle, I remember striving for acceptance. Giving my all to make someone proud. Doing whatever I could to achieve the level that would help them rise and then a cloud of resentment or something engulfed me. Little things here and there that weren’t right. I was confused “Isn’t this what you wanted?” I finally decided to make space between us. Then I made the space bigger. Eventually, when the space became apparent I was outcasted on her end. Again, I don’t remember anything good. I remember a constant “was I a disappointment?” “What did I fail to do now?” I was a scapegoat for the most insane things. My best was wrong and always needed to be tweaked.

It’s like that song lyric “looking for love in all the wrong places”. I just wanted to belong. First, in a place where I should have been fully accepted and supported – and then in a group that I strived to make proud.

I clearly have issues with abandonment and betrayal. So many didn’t want me around. They wanted what I could do for them. I remember in 3rd grade there was a constant battle between 2 girls and all the rest of us would pick a side. I literally said outside during recess while sitting on a snowbank “You can use me so you have more people than her”.

Today, I have maybe 2 adult friendships where I don’t question their motives for friendship. I trust they won’t throw me under a bus or hide things from me. It’s a beautiful, broken, messy, honest journey we share. We can be the ugliest versions of ourselves without fear of being shamed or discarded. A friendship where we have nothing to gain but truthful confessions, honest sounding boards, and love. So much love. I know this is 2 more than most people have and I count my blessings I assure you.

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Forgiveness Journey, Part One.

Posted on July 23, 2022 | 2 comments
A healing Journey

Have you noticed when you don’t learn a lesson, it tends to repeat itself? Last month I had a HUGE revelation that within the job I left, I was actually repeating a lesson from my past. Like a HUGE, Painful, Life altering, Mess me up for decades afterward – life experience.

*I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with my job itself. I loved my job, I loved my team, and I love the owners still. And who knows, maybe at some point the Lord will draw me back under different circumstances.

Moving on… You see, I forgave all of the people that this pain stems from.

(FYI: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) The people who brought pain, betrayal, and shame into my life were only being who they were capable of being because of their own life experiences and traumas. But I still have triggers that bring that pain back to the surface and so it had me thinking that I did it wrong. Did I REALLY forgive them? Why can’t I let go enough to never experience that hurt, pain & darkness again?

Then, when that pain resurfaces I resort to bitterness. Replaying the situation in my head looking for proof I wasn’t a terrible human, or was I? Repenting to the Lord above if I ever made anyone feel the way I felt at that moment, I am truly sorry. Asking for mercy to take it all away. Next, I start to question everyone around me. To say I have trust issues is the understatement of the millennia. It has been my truth that EVERYONE around me is playing both sides. I can’t trust anyone and so I start to downward spiral, feeling alone and worthless and would be better off dead. I deserve this pain.

This has been the cycle since I was 13 years old. Here I am 45 and just replayed the ENTIRE cycle in a different situation with different people, but with ALL the same key factors.

ENOUGH!

People have been asking how I could just walk away while I was on top? My team was strong.

I am breaking the cycle. I am choosing to remove myself from something that has been internally destroying me.

The “End” is this:

The End of “staying” because if I leave I am weak.

The End of an abundance of shame and self-loathing because I am not who people want me to be or not to be ~ or I am not wanted when shining at my best or deep in my bad days.

The End of living a life in stagnant fear – A life God blessed me with that I should be doing so much more.

Friends, this is the beginning.

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Posted in 2022, depression, friendship, My Forgiveness Journey, Random, Uncategorized

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