Category Archives: Random

School, ugh. IEPs, merp.

It’s that time of year again…

One of the biggest challenges I’ve had in my adult life is the struggle it is to have open communication with schools. Throw in IEPs and teachers who get personally offended when I ask questions and you have an armageddon.

This isn’t an “Autism” post per se because my youngest was diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder – PDD. Diagnosis is different from 20 years ago – now there are a million labels under the umbrella of “Autism Spectrum Disorder”.

School stuff causes me extreme anxiety. I’ve been doing IEPs for 17 years (my daughter got her 1st one at 3 years old and she is now 20). I know the policies and procedures and rules and laws. You would be surprised how many people are placed in a position they know NOTHING about and expect the parents to just sign. “Just sign it, it’s fine.”

  • I was supposed to give you a 10-day notice invitation to discuss the IEP, but I gave you 24 hours. “Just sign it, it’s fine.”
  • Even though I am about to wave your rights and say you declined to show. “Just sign it, it’s fine”
  • And we are going to leave everything the same as it was last year since you aren’t here to talk about it and that is what is easiest for us. “Just sign it, it’s fine.”
  • I have 60 more of these to do – and even though it’s MY JOB – which I wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for your children, let’s just move along to the next kid. “Just sign it, it’s fine”

Oye Oye Oye~ !!!

Xander is going into third grade and this is the first year he would be eligible to be “held back”. He also has more testing this year than he has ever had in his school career. He is not mainstream (grade level skills) ~ YET. I knew all of this coming into the year and it had a great influence on my decision to walk away from my job. Last year it was difficult to run my business while spending hours a day making sure he comprehended the daily lessons. I know firsthand that early intervention is EXTREMELY important and while he is young, it is the most crucial time to get him caught up. My kids will always be my #1 priority and I couldn’t do it all.

The whole reason I share this topic today is that I had a chaotic morning with school stuff. Xander was moved to a different school a few days ago by accident which spiraled into a whole mess of Speech/Occupational Therapy and regular classes tornado cluster. I reached out to the new teachers, praying I wasn’t the annoying “in their face” parent. Even I hate that parent. But I had no idea what to do and it is my responsibility to get Xander into his classes. The new teachers were so kind. (enneagram 2 or 9’s I think LOL) and figured it all out. And they gave me a small bit of news that the “Just sign it, it’s fine.” lady NO LONGER works at the school! PRAISE GOD!

I walk into each school year with kindness in my heart, wanting to get along and work as a team to get my kids the best education that works for them, and I was terrified this mess would ruin these brand new relationships for the rest of the year.

My point: Hey Autism parents, I see you. I know sometimes it’s easier to get along and to “Just sign it, it’s fine.” and let them read to you what they think is best. But I am giving you permission to ask questions if things don’t seem right. I am cheering you on if you think there is an error OR you have a better idea and you bring it up! It is NOT disrespectful to want to understand what the plan is for our children and honestly, WE ARE NOT THERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. No matter how much we want people to like us, our responsibility is to our children, and their education – that trumps all. The IEP laws are in place to PROTECT our kids. To give the parents an opportunity to have a voice! We all know our children better than anyone else claims to. It’s wicked uncomfortable and causes mass anxiety, but God gave us these kids to protect, defend and set them up for success. I believe in you!

Forgiveness Journey, Part One.

A healing Journey

Have you noticed when you don’t learn a lesson, it tends to repeat itself? Last month I had a HUGE revelation that within the job I left, I was actually repeating a lesson from my past. Like a HUGE, Painful, Life altering, Mess me up for decades afterward – life experience.

*I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with my job itself. I loved my job, I loved my team, and I love the owners still. And who knows, maybe at some point the Lord will draw me back under different circumstances.

Moving on… You see, I forgave all of the people that this pain stems from.

(FYI: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) The people who brought pain, betrayal, and shame into my life were only being who they were capable of being because of their own life experiences and traumas. But I still have triggers that bring that pain back to the surface and so it had me thinking that I did it wrong. Did I REALLY forgive them? Why can’t I let go enough to never experience that hurt, pain & darkness again?

Then, when that pain resurfaces I resort to bitterness. Replaying the situation in my head looking for proof I wasn’t a terrible human, or was I? Repenting to the Lord above if I ever made anyone feel the way I felt at that moment, I am truly sorry. Asking for mercy to take it all away. Next, I start to question everyone around me. To say I have trust issues is the understatement of the millennia. It has been my truth that EVERYONE around me is playing both sides. I can’t trust anyone and so I start to downward spiral, feeling alone and worthless and would be better off dead. I deserve this pain.

This has been the cycle since I was 13 years old. Here I am 45 and just replayed the ENTIRE cycle in a different situation with different people, but with ALL the same key factors.


People have been asking how I could just walk away while I was on top? My team was strong.

I am breaking the cycle. I am choosing to remove myself from something that has been internally destroying me.

The “End” is this:

The End of “staying” because if I leave I am weak.

The End of an abundance of shame and self-loathing because I am not who people want me to be or not to be ~ or I am not wanted when shining at my best or deep in my bad days.

The End of living a life in stagnant fear – A life God blessed me with that I should be doing so much more.

Friends, this is the beginning.

Snail Mail Evolution.

I love writing letters. I think that is why I loved my old job ~ Being able to jot a thank you note on a pretty piece of paper and pray over it that it will bring joy for a moment. I love stationary and fun colored pens and pencils. I love putting good out into the world!

One thing I’ve noticed this year is that I too am now getting a certain type of snail mail regularly. For Life insurance! AHH! with “Guaranteed Acceptance if ages 45-85” In bold print – ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Maybe because I might be too frail and old to be able to see it OR because they really want me to know I’m in!

I am thankful they are looking out for my family and children, but –

I. Am. NOT. Ready.

This Momma is struggling with aging.

I continue reading this offer and it says “We have friendly representatives who’ll answer your questions” — As opposed to all the unfriendly representatives I’ve had to deal with prior to 45? Is there an unwritten rule that they must be kind to me because I’m old? I personally have always taught my children to respect their elders – but I thought most of the world was over that.

The last thing that made me ponder was …

“When you reach age 120, your insurance will end with payment of the FULL BENEFIT TO YOU”

So then I go to google – because REALLY!?!?

“Do people live to be 120 years old?”

Google tells me “The person with the longest lifespan on record was a French woman named Jeanne Calment; she lived to be 122 years and 164 days old. Today, the world’s oldest living person is 118-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan.”

My husband is the poker player, but I don’t think those are very good odds.


2022 Facing the sun.

Rhythm. Even just that word is calming to me. In my past life (the last 7 years), people constantly talked about having systems in place. Then a mentor of mine said, “I prefer to call it ‘Rhythm’ instead of ‘System’.”

Now that I can get behind!  A current of wispy whimsical graceful ebbs and flows that take you along the path you’re on. Doesn’t that sound like a more pleasant way to get to your goals & dreams?

I’m kind of the rebellious one.  All the things one is “supposed to do” – yeah, I didn’t do that…  It’s not that I think anyone is wrong. I just need everything to make sense in my head.  My enneagram 5 is showing.

In March I went to a fancy resort with my favorite people. We had a cabana at a pool with a breathtaking fountain and all the pool chairs encompassed the fountain in a picturesque phenomenon. The only problem was that NONE of the pool chairs were facing the sun.  Don’t get me wrong – it was a marketing masterpiece – but it was March, and I was in search of a tan and unless I turned my chair around 180 degrees, that wasn’t happening.  I watched slowly as others came to the pool and everyone was perfectly content not facing the sun. Finally, after finishing a chapter in my book, I thought “this is crazy!” and you bet your bottom I rotated my chair to face the sun!

I promise, nobody got hurt with me doing so, and the fountain was still the main attraction. In fact, my small act inspired others to do the same. 

Maybe my way IS the masterpiece.  Being so comfortable in my space and wanting to enjoy every inch of it.

Find your Rhythm.

I am different

A new light glows in 2016.  It all started a few weeks before New years eve.  Normally I am way superstitious of this evening, making it absolutely positive I am surrounded by those that mean the most to me.  WE MUST ALL BE TOGETHER.  For the longest time it was just me and the kids.  I would actually leave a party to be home with my kids when the clock strikes 12 and then return back to the party later on.

This year I longed to be near my kids, but the urgency to make it “life altering” was gone.   I had an Epiphany I guess that although these are my children and James is my husband, I don’t own them.  they aren’t *Mine.  My kids are my responsibility and I will fight tigers for them, but they too are humans with minds of their own and are now teenagers and making decisions of their own.  I am thankful to be able to share my life with them and guide them the best I can.  Of course they can live with me forever but if they need to spread wings to live their own life, I am not going to hold them captive.  Same goes with my husband.  I love him fiercely, and we are choosing to share our lives with each other, but if there comes a day where he needs to fulfill a passion, I will not hold him back.

After coming to terms with this “new me” a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  To look at the world as a place of individuals – separate not tied together.  I want my children to be them, figure out who they are, fulfill their passions and dreams.  I want to encourage them to live without restrictions in possibilities.

I guess the past ten years I was so focused on being with my loves at midnight because I was afraid to lose them.  Now I see that they were never mine to lose.   I might sound like a fool to some of you but I have found so much peace knowing that we are God’s children.  We get to share our lives with some, teach some to grow and prosper, give them wings and maybe let them go.  The idea is to not be sad when they leave but to be happy we had that time together.  Some relationships last years.  Others merely moments, but they all have purpose.   I am now focusing on what I take away from each encounter.

If I would have read this 5 years ago I would have said I was off my rocker.  Disagreeing with everything about this post.  Perceptions change.  Minds evolve.  2016 is the year of the bigger picture for me!

Happy New Year.

Happy Monday!

As I restart my journey to blogging, I find myself having lots of ideas of things to write about yet I feel scatterbrained as to where to start.  So let us just catch up on the random thoughts my BNFF loves me for.  

What have I been up to?
The past 2 months I have made a lifestyle change.  I am exercising on purpose and I am aware of my carb intake.  I have dropped my carb intake from about 300-400 grams of carbs a day to less than 100grams a day. I have always eaten very healthy, yet ALL of my meals included much bread, rice, potatos.  I haven’t lost weight yet, in fact I have gained 7 pounds,  I still can’t get into my skinny jeans, but like I said above, this is a lifestyle change.  The thing that keeps me motivated to keep it up is that; I have been on anti-depressants for about 4 years now and I am proud to say that I am almost a month of being free of that.  I feel emotions more now, but I am in charge of them and not vice versa.  I’ve tried to change my diet and exercise before, but never at the same time.  To be successful, as in anything in life really, you have to do it all or nothing.  Half “assing” anything will never give you the results you desire.

How are my children?
My children are wonderful.  Those close to me know that this summer was extremely draining on me as a parent.  It got to the point where I questioned the higher power as to why this was given to me since I honestly believed for about 2 months that I just wasn’t strong enough.  That maybe someone else should try because my kids deserve the best and I had nothing left to give.  It was my truth that I was failing them.  They are finally back in school and this community I live in I think saved me.  The thing with all children I suppose is that they need to expend a certain amount of energy each day.  Then you add the needs of autistic kids with needing a structured setting, with choices that seem like “fun” and yet won’t be over stimulating socially.  This town holds it’s own fabulous events that have “parts” or “sections”.  This isn’t something people would notice.  For example: taking kids to the cherry festival rides section was chaos.  My kids actually did well and it helped it was “special needs kids day”.  The edge was removed by being surrounded by other autistic children having melt downs in the lines.  Which normally, would have been an anxiety situation for the parents.  The events in my town had arts and crafts in a separate building, lunch in a separate building, movie screening in a separate building.  What it did was remove the chaos and structured a social event that my kids were able to handle and were able to share with their community and classmates.
When they went back to school I took the first week to sleep, grow strength within myself.  I went hiking on the beautiful Betsie trail each day and was even convinced by a not friend to join her in a class called TRX.  I drowned myself in the books I had been craving to read all summer.
After a few weeks of nurturing my soul I jumped back into action.  I dove head first in developing a plan and  presented it to the school, as to how they could help me &my kids.  Coordinating home with school.  This past week has been a new path for my little family.  It’s working!  Now I just need to focus on a day at a time.

Do I have a love life?
Ha!  I definitely dated this summer and learned much about myself and the opposite sex.  I don’t want to go into this too much now for if I start I don’t think I will be able to stop.  This is Definetly a future blog!  I do however have a date this weekend.   I am to the point though were I don’t get excited and have no expectations or even faith really.  You will understand completely when you hear my stories.  I guess what matters though is that I am still putting myself out there & haven’t found what I am looking for yet.

Happy Birthday My Sweet BNFF.

“May the 4th” be with you;  Because on May the 5th, 1976, the world would never be the same.

May 5th, aka Cinco de Mayo, is the birthday of my infamous, one and only,  BNFF.  Usually I write a witty poem full of inside jokes and sound effects.  This past year has been a most difficult one for my BNFF.  (both of us really).  We both are much worn down, pulling ourselves back up, dusting each other off.  Without each other we’d probably both be laying in a ditch somewhere.  We now live 2000 miles apart from each other and there’s no way to sugar coat how much it Friggin sucks.

In the past, Birthdays were a day of movies, alcohol and food… LOTS of food.  ALL take-out / delivery.  Mexican, Chinese, Italian & JUNK foods.  Monster Squad, Momma Mia, Sherlock Holmes!  Tequilla or boxed wine in a Jar.

I love my BNFF.  She is the most gracious, generous person I have ever met.  She trys so hard to be a good person.  She is my Sister from another Mother.  I don’t remember how I lived life before she was in it.  Moving back home after so many years has taught me a lot.  Most importantly.  Quality friends are few.  I thought it would be difficult living so far apart now.  Really though… almost a year later, it’s still like I have never left.  Only both of us drink far less. Which I am sure our livers appreciate.

I am so very thankful the higher power has given us each other to lean on.  I hope everyone finds what we have within their lifetime.  I cannot imagine living without it.  I am thankful for the laughter we can find in ANY situation.  I am thankful for the tolerance we both have for our “human errors”.  I am thankful for the acceptance she has for my children.  I am thankful for the storms we calmly float through.  (Unless there is a prozac deficiency, then we may push each other off the side of the boat at times .. with a life jacket of course.. just maybe throw the jacket in a wrong direction:))

I am so glad you were born Sweet Libellula.  You are my own personal blessing from up above.  Thank you for being alive and taking care of yourself!  Thank you for being stronger than you believe.  I am looking forward to us rocking on a porch after out-living our husbands and arguing whose grandkids scratched the tub with a keg of beer.

You are the single flower that can Bloom and Grow anywhere! (even a parking lot)

You are NOT my Best friend 🙂 I love you!

“I carried a Watermelon?!?!?”

Since mid 2007 I have lived with my two autistic children only.  My life is restricted and my adult interaction is limited.  My children would never look at me when we spoke to each other, if we spoke to each other at all.    Here, almost four years later, I have a terrible time at keeping eye contact during my newer found freedom.  When you talk to people for so long without visual acknowledgment, you get used to not looking at the person not looking at you.  Then when a person is giving me their full attention, I find it difficult to keep looking and I turn away.

I also have a difficult time saying what I mean.  I speak only truth, but it is mistaken MOST of the time.  I feel socially handicapped.  I say the most random messed up things and if I am unable to explain myself and my thought process at that time, I am just viewed as this Lady who is a little bit off.  It sucks when I find compatibility with people, and enjoy their company,  only for them to walk away with the assumption I am missing some sandwiches in my picnic basket.  Maybe all of my Solitude has made me part Autistic…. Having the traits I mean.

It’s very similar as to when I take my kids out in public.  They appear to look like any normal child with no “visual” differences as opposed to Downs syndrome etc.  So then when my son has a melt down in the middle of an isle at a store I can either 1. Try to explain he is autistic – for then people are more understanding.  Or 2. I can have the whole world roll their eyes and me and say “if that were my kid he wouldn’t be acting this way”  because obviously it is the parents fault when a child misbehaves in social settings.  A “not raised right” kind of thing.  Should I always have to explain???  If I want to live without judgement it seems so, yes.

I am saddened and feel broken because I want to have normal confrontation with people.  I want to be able to go somewhere and laugh with everyone and relax without constantly thinking if I am saying something that, without their knowledge of my thinking, is terribly weird. I want to be able to handle a situation where I really like a person, without foolishly self sabotaging any realities.

I am emotionally detached to most everything.  People always say they have a tough time reading me and my intentions.  I think when you deal with extreme situations you react less.  I also have my own lessons I am going through with betrayal & trust, so I tend to keep most people at arm’s length away.  It might sound complicated and exhausting, but it isn’t really.  It’s like when people say “Oh my goodness how do you mentally handle having 2 autistic kids by yourself?”  and I always reply “It’s not harder, just different.”  Until you bring the judgement in.  Think of a person who is dyslexic. They just learn things a different way.  It’s not wrong, it’s just different.

So to that woman who is close to my daughter, know I have much respect for you.  To the woman who thinks I want her man, please believe me when I say I value you more than any man.  To the guy who is so awesome and I have let my mouth get in the way 2 incidents, I am sorry, I get so flustered when near you I can’t think when I talk.  (like the “I carried a watermelon” line in Dirty Dancing).  To everyone else, If you don’t get what I am saying or get shocked, ask me exactly what I mean.  I would gladly explain my thought process to prevent any issues.  I am a kind person and very generous and supportive, I just have a brick wall around me that I am working on tearing down.  In the meantime, feel free to paint it with flowers and fish to make it more approachable.

A Curbsideprophet

“It is what it is” ~

I am so terribly behind in my Blog writing.  I have been putting all of my brilliant ideas down so I can catch up.  I am going to have to do these a little out-of-order since I need to deal with some issues at hand.

First of all, does Faithfulness exist?  Are the respect “lines” between friends different from the “lines” between acquaintances? I feel like I am in a lose / lose situation here.  As a resident of a small town there are slim pickings to begin with.  As for me personally, right now, I am not looking for a father for my kids or someone to hold my hand.  I am perfectly fine with how things are.

I do find all of the double standards amusing though.  Single guys can date whomever, talk to whomever, hang out with whomever. Then I come into town, not to steal anyones man or cause drama, but to just co-exist in this beautiful area.  I make my own opinions, refusing to hear the history of each resident and why I should “stay away”.  I ignore warnings that “That is ____’s ex boyfriend and I won’t talk with you (but sure as heck will talk ABOUT you) if you go party after hours with him.”  Seriously People?!?!

I find myself always treating people how I want to be treated.  It really isn’t that difficult.  I am NOT about to tie a bunch of imaginary chains around my actions because of things that happened before I even moved here.  I am not going to play the “games”.  I am me.  That’s all I got.  I try to be kind and respectful to most and I am very generous.

I’m noticing my generosity is always questioned as “What’s in it for her?”  “What does she want?”  “What is she trying to get out of it?”.  I can assure you, there are NO strings attached to my persona; again I am just trying to co-exist.  I accept everyone else flaws and all … as they are, knowing that’s all they can be.

Faithfulness: “1. Adhering firmly and devotedly, as to a person, cause, or idea; loyal.2. Engaging in sex only with one’s spouse or only with one’s partner in a sexual relationship.3. Having or full of faith.4. Worthy of trust or belief; reliable.5. Consistent with truth or actuality: a faithful reproduction of the portrait.”

One Man has been faithful to me while in a relationship.  He is an Angel now.  It really isn’t that difficult.  If you can’t stay faithful than don’t commit, hold onto, or waste anyone else’s life.  Make sure your intentions are known, out of respect.  If someone isn’t looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean they are bad.  I’m not looking.  My life isn’t exactly something someone can just jump right into.  It’s very restrictive and I wouldn’t want my baggage to tie anyone down.  I love my life.  Mother of two Amazing kiddos.  I have no expectations of anyone else coming into it though.

Even though I am not looking for anything serious, I still like to Mingle and have conversation and need a break from my reality.  We all need our outlets to just “be”.  Without being judged or ridiculed.  Step back and think”Hey I have never lived a day of their life and cannot even imagine where they are at, but it’s good to see them getting a break”.  We ALL deserve a break.  No matter how perfect things appear, we all have our shit.

I am begging all of you to embrace life.  “It is what it is” as my Friend Jesse always says! Check him out for awesome positive perspectives~!

Be kind to each other,

A CurbsideProphet

A Shift in Energy?

The past 3 days have been crazy for me!  Talk about cramming life lessons!  I feel completely accomplished and organized.  I’m sitting good financially, mentally & Spiritually.

The other day  I got the GREATEST NEWS EVER!  My BNFF bought her plane ticket to come to my 34th birthday party!  I talk to her multiple times a day, but haven’t seen her since August.  She is the only one that gets my personality 100%.  Though living in a whole different realm than me, we are equals and always have been.  She is the most generous person I have ever met and she prides herself in Living with Integrity as much as I do.  I have so much respect for her and trust her unconditionally.

We met years ago in a small town in Michigan.  A town both of us came to during the summertime.  She was from Arizona and I was from Wisconsin.  13 years later we lived in the same town in Arizona.  Brought there by totally random coincidences.  The higher power really does surround us with the best people for living our life and learning our lessons.  I could talk about how fabulous she is for hours, but I won’t.  I am so excited to see her!

I have been away from home since 2001.  I know I just told you I grew up in Wisconsin, but this small town in Michigan has always been “home”.  It is magical here.  The most beautiful area.  Because this is my first birthday around family in 10 years I am having a BIG birthday Party!  I am inviting all my closest family and friends to my favorite watering hole, that I will be transforming into a mini Las Vegas ~ 1920’s/gangster style!  My kindred spirits are from all over the USA so a lot of people are really going out of their way to join me in this celebration and it has made me feel so Wonderful!  Truly Blessed.

I tend to remove myself from all of the “small town drama”.  I find myself in better company with those the age of my parents.  I appreciate people with a bigger perspective.  I truly accept humans for who they are, as they are,but I only surround myself with Kind souls with Big hearts.  To be completely surrounded by fabulous people while celebrating my birth is something I am really looking forward to!  If this sounds like you, please come and join me!

I wish you all a magical Thursday!

A CurbSide Profit

p.s. I still have non-friends looking for a carpool from Wisconsin and California for the party.  Let me know if you can help 😉