Tag Archives: enneagram5

Faith

Posted on August 12, 2022 | Leave a comment

I have had an enormous response to my forgiveness journey. Thank you for reaching out and feeling all the feels with me. Thank you for supporting my intentional search for “Who I am, What I believe, and Where I am headed next.”

My “Biblical Faith” is new. I was in a small fishing town in Mexico for a retreat and who knew that one conversation and many nudges had me three weeks later, buying my first bible.

I am thankful that I wasn’t raised in Traditional religion. (Any religion) I have seen many bouts of “Inherited Faith” and can’t really wrap my head around it.

In my house growing up, I watched my Mom explore the world in search of Truth. I am thankful for exposure to many beliefs and for constantly being encouraged to find my own Truth.

I am slowly working my way through the Bible. It is not an easy read and I may have a spiritual advisor or two that I trust to break it down. I have also found many books & apps that really explain it all in a “For Dummies” type of way.

I share all this because so many of you “know” your truth. I see you. I am watching and learning and taking notes. As an enneagram 5, I am trying to gain as much knowledge as I possibly can.

Making a final decision on what my Truth is, is still up in the air – BUT I do know I have a minuscule existence in this world. I know that I am fully provided for and never alone. I know that everything is perfect although may be extremely uncomfortable and inconvenient.

I have seen many just drink the Kool-Aid and jump in head first. “I’m getting baptized!”, “I have joined a coven!”, “Metaphysics is where I belong”. I am so proud of you for being so SURE!

As for me, I’ve seen a woman I trust with my entire being literally travel the world in search of her truth and it wasn’t something she took lightly, and neither will I. No matter what faith I end up choosing, this spiritual journey has been incredible. I respect everyone who believes in something & dedicates their life to it. I will never judge the truth you hold.

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My Forgiveness Journey Part Four ~ Loyalty & Betrayal

Posted on August 3, 2022 | Leave a comment
Unpacking the facts & finishing my part of the puzzle.

Loyalty: a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

Betrayal: violation of a person’s trust or confidence

I was going to make these two separate posts, for fear it would be too long, but I think I can keep it short. I respect your time as much as mine…

I have had betrayal issues for as long as I can remember. As a girl, a person I trusted read my diary, & lied to me – up to last month when I went full circle and saw people who were my “Friends” – apparently weren’t.

“Who needs enemies with friends like mine?”

I’ve slowly been unpacking and breaking down situations and sitting in the facts. There is a fine line between Loyalty & Betrayal.

  • If someone hurt you, should your bestie become their friend? What if they didn’t know you were hurt?
  • What if someone hated someone you are close to, and made it their mission to destroy you out of association?
  • What if your friend struggles with acceptance issues and just needs to belong so they “Protected” you by befriending them behind your back?

My point is (before I give a million more scenarios) that I am more loyal than anyone I know. Fiercely loyal. I will fight tigers, climb volcanos & donate organs – kind of loyal. But my entire life I’ve had a flaw. I expect, hope, and pray that someone would be that for me. And since 99% of the world has their own ish, that isn’t a viable expectation.

As an enneagram 5, I live for facts! Facts are my favorite thing in the world. They help me sort out truth from emotional perception and I am so thankful that the few who are loyal to me, can sit me down to discuss “facts” to process the emotional triggers I have.

Conclusion: My journey has not only been for me to grow into the person the Lord needs me to be BUT also, I am a puzzle piece to MANY other lessons for other people. So what people decide to do with my hurts & betrayals is none of my business. It SUCKS and is UNFAIR and I have been grieving the friendships that were an illusion, but that part is their lesson. I am already moving on to the next chapter. My part in that puzzle is over.

To have clarity and peace over how betrayal has been haunting me is liberating.

Lastly, I am aware that EVERYTHING above is all Ego and Mind.

According to Deepak Chopra,

“You stop being ruled by self-image when:

  • You feel what you feel
  • You are no longer offended by things
  • You stop appraising how a situation makes you look.
  • You don’t exclude people you feel superior or inferior to
  • You quit worrying about what others think about you
  • You no longer obsess over money, status, and possessions
  • You no longer feel the urge to defend your opinions“

By eliminating myself from the puzzle that I have already put my pieces into, I am able to check off 5 things above that I was wrestling with.

How do you work through betrayal?

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Three.

Posted on July 27, 2022 | 2 comments
Feel the pain.

I am on the other side of some rough days. Over the past few days, I have been shown many things about toxic positivity and avoiding pain. (I will share a link below to a fantastic article from another blogger), but I had another “Tiffany Ephiphany!”

I had the most “AH-HA!” moment while reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book “Forgive what you can’t forget.”

“At some point, we need to stop imagining the way things “should be” so much that we can’t acknowledge what it is. You can only heal what you are willing to acknowledge is real.”

And it dawned on me, that not only have I been denying myself from “feeling” for a super long time, I’ve been caught up in how things SHOULD HAVE BEEN. What SHOULD have happened. How I SHOULD have been treated. What they SHOULD have done.

Feeling the Feelings

Yes, I have my bad days – REALLY bad days, but then I suppress the feelings and move forward.

  • I’m fine, I’m moving on.
  • I don’t have time or energy to deal with this, I’m over it.
  • I forgive them, the pain will fade eventually
  • God will take care of it.
  • I am going to focus on all the things I am thankful for.

I had to, I have responsibilities, kids, work, friends, and people who look to me to “Be The Sunshine.” It reminded me of Robin Williams. He was so full of Joy, always smiling and the light for millions of people. Yet inside had vast amounts of pain.

I have never just sat in my pain and felt it without distractions or interruptions. As my mom says, there is a little girl inside me who just needs to hear that her feelings are valid and allow her to grieve and feel that pain inside my body as long as she needs, to get it out.

All of this is so messed up because I am the FIRST one to tell my friends to FEEL what they are going through! Let it out! Work through the Emotional Scale. Unpack that baggage, your ticket is refundable and you need to work through this!

My Husband & I sat down with the kids and told them that Momma had some bad things happen in her life a long time ago and in order for me to properly heal, I need to face that sadness/anger/fear. This means, that over the next few weeks I may be crying or lost in thought, but it has NOTHING to do with them and it won’t last forever.

What Should have happened

Well, It DIDN’T! Nothing more to say about it, or think about it, or get mad about it.

End. Of. Story.

So cheers to healing and keeping the tissue companies in business.

Here is the Toxic Positivity article that I loved

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Channeling my inner THOR!

Posted on July 15, 2022 | Leave a comment
Tools make me feel powerful.

I didn’t write yesterday. I was a bit bluesy and feeling uninspired It happens when living with depression. Maybe the pull from Wednesday’s full moon was also a factor. I am pretty good at extending myself grace when that happens and my only regret is ruining my blog streak. #IFYKYK lol!

Today I am starting to put together pieces of a project. Our back patio. We rent a house on a little patch of heaven in west Tennessee. Our Landlord is an amazing southern gentleman who recently was diagnosed with cancer. Our family is “low maintenance” renters. We pay our rent on time each month, take care of the yard, and fix the small things ourselves. We only contact him with something major… dishwasher breaking for a family of 5 etc.

Our back porch needs some love and probably a few new boards, but I am on a mission to make it into a Shangri-La. Thanks to Amazon Prime days I was able to scoop up some accessories! Until those arrive, today I hammered down all the nails that were popping up.

I know some people find relief in smashing stuff to release anger/stress. (Enneagram 1,9, & 8) I have never been that person. (Enneagram 5) I think and process and think some more. But let me tell you, Hammering the crap out of those nails was so rewarding. Yes, I got covered in dust and paint chips BUT it felt SO GOOD! I had something stored up inside me that needed to be released.

I will keep you posted on my progress. Have an amazing FriYAY!

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Rhythm

Posted on July 11, 2022 | Leave a comment
2022 Facing the sun.

Rhythm. Even just that word is calming to me. In my past life (the last 7 years), people constantly talked about having systems in place. Then a mentor of mine said, “I prefer to call it ‘Rhythm’ instead of ‘System’.”

Now that I can get behind!  A current of wispy whimsical graceful ebbs and flows that take you along the path you’re on. Doesn’t that sound like a more pleasant way to get to your goals & dreams?

I’m kind of the rebellious one.  All the things one is “supposed to do” – yeah, I didn’t do that…  It’s not that I think anyone is wrong. I just need everything to make sense in my head.  My enneagram 5 is showing.

In March I went to a fancy resort with my favorite people. We had a cabana at a pool with a breathtaking fountain and all the pool chairs encompassed the fountain in a picturesque phenomenon. The only problem was that NONE of the pool chairs were facing the sun.  Don’t get me wrong – it was a marketing masterpiece – but it was March, and I was in search of a tan and unless I turned my chair around 180 degrees, that wasn’t happening.  I watched slowly as others came to the pool and everyone was perfectly content not facing the sun. Finally, after finishing a chapter in my book, I thought “this is crazy!” and you bet your bottom I rotated my chair to face the sun!

I promise, nobody got hurt with me doing so, and the fountain was still the main attraction. In fact, my small act inspired others to do the same. 

Maybe my way IS the masterpiece.  Being so comfortable in my space and wanting to enjoy every inch of it.

Find your Rhythm.

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The Next Chapter Begins

Posted on July 9, 2022 | 2 comments

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I ended a 7 year “Way of life” that I will miss tremendously, but it is time for something new.  I crave something that I control without outside interference.  A way to make my mark on the world without the “ish” of others hovering overhead. Something I can just put out into the cosmic void & trust God will bring to those who need it.

I’ve been contemplating this change since 2018 – but got caught up in the “Don’t be weak!” “Do you hear what they are saying?!?” – and I focused on the good. There really was so much good.

Then for a while, we NEEDED that way of life. & it supported us and gave us a quality of life we wouldn’t have gotten to without it.

But then, while I was in the woods & on the beautiful shores of Lake Michigan for 40 days and 40 nights (coincidence?), I felt at peace. It’s like the saying “when you die, the world will miss you as much as removing your hand from a bucket of water. It just fills the space and keeps being a bucket of water.”  I feel like I made a difference. It’s just time to find my way … a different way.

A mentor of mine said, “I don’t have space for that” when we were talking about life stuff. It made me look at life in a whole NEW way. I get to control what & who I fill my space with.  This is MY life and the only one I’ve got so I am determined to evaluate what is in my space.  Is it good? Does it serve me? Does it bring me JOY? Is it positive? Will it help me grow?

Today is Day 1 of the rest of my life. Let’s see what happens.

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What the Funk?!

Posted on October 25, 2021 | Leave a comment

I feel like I am constantly rediscovering myself.  And yet, HOW MANY TIMES can one rediscover themselves? My mind is swirling with so many thoughts.

*Betrayal trauma issues going back to when I was 12.

* Am I really a good mom?  I only hold myself to my standards- but are my standards too much?

* I don’t have space for people’s brokenness when they aren’t willing to help themselves.

*My contentment with being alone is maybe too content.

*I hate Money.

* Even I mess up, and I am owning that.

* Social Media is the devil.

*Balance is hard but necessary

* Am I creating boundaries or avoiding shit. – or both.

*I am protective with my energy & what I am up to dealing with.

Then it all comes down to me REALLY wanting to be a good person but not knowing how to get the puzzles pieces to fit. How to make life make sense.  How to run my business and protect my mental health. How to be okay with not understanding the world around me.

What does God want me to do?

What is my purpose?

What difference am I making?

I feel like I am not really living on the same plane as everyone else. That I am in some parallel universe where the rules are different and co-existing with this other plane is a mind tornado. When I was younger I met a family who claimed they were from a different planet. Who was I to say they weren’t? I imagine this is how it would feel like.

Today let’s just talk about WHO I allow in my space.

Every human has their own obstacles and life lessons and journies. As much as I would LOVE to have lifelong friendships, I see clearly that each relationship has its season. Especially when I am trying to grow and others may be complacent or stuck.

I was stuck for years. I know that struggle. I am not shaming people for being stuck or thinking I am better than them, I am just on a different path. I am unable to focus with distractions that keep me at a standstill. I feel my Life clock ticking and I still have so much to do. I can love people and let them go. I can evolve into someone with different priorities, beliefs and goals that redirect my journey without being the bad guy.

Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes the common links that hold people together change and we take different turns. I remember in high school I was on the Poms Squad. I moved away my Junior year and when I came back my senior year, I was no longer accepted in that group. I was even shamed for wearing my Pom jacket to a football game. A jacket that was absolute HELL for my Mom and I to find the $ to buy, but that’s a whole different story.

Did I do anything wrong? No. I just moved away. I wasn’t in the group anymore. We took different roads. Did they do anything wrong? No. They were together EVERY SINGLE DAY working towards a common goal and had the same priorities.

Change is often difficult. – For me, I find peace in change. I have surrendered that I have zero control & I’m just trying to be Holy Spirit led.

Maybe this is a midlife crisis and I am trying to learn & become as if there is a deadline so it’s easier for me to move forward with or without people. Maybe I just prefer being alone.

I am trying. Trying to be better than I was yesterday. Trying to understand. Trying to forgive and extend grace. Trying to be so incredibly & most times uncomfortably honest. Trying to keep my mouth shut when there is no resolution. Trying to own ALL of my mistakes. Trying to learn from all of my Karma and tell my ego to shut its mouth.

Today is a new day.

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