Tag Archives: mental health

What are you willing to endure to find the peace you long for?

Posted on September 19, 2022 | 1 comment
Deep thoughts while dreaming in Mexico.

I’m Sorry, really.

With growth, comes remorse.

Over the past two years, I have slowly eliminated people, places, things, habits, hobbies, & jobs from my life. I’ve created space that I am in no hurry to fill back up. I find as I become older, with my spiritual journey as a prime focus, my circle keeps getting smaller and smaller. Not because I don’t love people, places, jobs, habits, etc… But because they keep me complacent. I’ve also noticed my awareness is extremely enhanced and I start to see words, actions, and behaviors I had said/done in the past that wasn’t the very best version of myself. My brokenness prompted behaviors that were hurtful.

“Hurt people hurt people”.
If I ever hurt you, I’m sorry.

I also am able to see more clearly, at times when I was hurt and I took it personally – when it was instead somebody else’s brokenness projected onto me.
If you hurt me, all is forgiven.

This isn’t a blame game blog… This is me fully owning my shit and feeling the disappointment I have within – even though I didn’t know any better at the time – that I can see clearly that I may have been hurtful in the past. Hurtful to family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, random people in the public, etc.

However, let’s talk about the thing that has come up over a dozen times in the last week. The icky grey area where you know people, jobs, etc aren’t bringing out the best in you, but you don’t want to “hurt feelings” by letting them go.

I have no idea why it took me so long to “draw that line in the sand” and “put up those river banks so I’m not swampy” and finally CREATE boundaries!

  • Why, as humans are we SO AFRAID of the response or opinions of others, that we continue to stay miserable or content as we are.
  • Why aren’t we fighting for who we were created to be?
  • Why is it a negative thing to rid of toxicity and control the space around you?


It’s like we are so afraid to offend those who are destroying us, that we stay put. (Read that again…)
In what world does that even make sense!?

Defending your space is NOT stirring the pot or causing drama. Wanting to be happy is NOT a guilty or gluttonous desire. Yes, change is scary. Walking away from friendships, jobs, and a way of life you’ve known for too long can trigger moments of doubt and disappointment
BUT
I guarantee once you get over that bridge, you will be asking yourself what took you so long. Maybe not right away, but as the stress fades, the habits die, and the feeling you owe anyone anything (besides yourself) diminishes… You will be walking in peace. A calm you haven’t known – or forgot even existed.

If you were brave enough to create those boundaries and let go of what no longer serves you with the possibility of residual negative feedback, I am so stinkin’ proud of you! I am proud of your desire to control what is in your space and what takes up your time. I am proud of you for loving yourself more than the hate you may receive for choosing YOU!

🎇🎉YOU are the ONLY person who has to live with YOU for the rest of your life! Don’t give others the POWER over your happiness! Reclaim that power and LOVE the Life you Live! ✨🌼🌞

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Posted in 2022, friendship, Love, My Forgiveness Journey, Within My Skin

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My Autism Story, Part 8 – The Ugly Nobody Talks About.

Posted on September 8, 2022 | Leave a comment
They understood each other.

Today I want to share a passage I wrote while I was in the trenches. Please know I would not change my children for the world. They are EXACTLY who God created them to be. This was a time in my life that I was struggling and lost and felt so very alone. While the rest of my friends and cousins my age were out building empires and getting degrees, I was trying to find my footing in a world that didn’t know how to help. I wasn’t able to get a babysitter, go out with friends, or leave the house. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I am just trying to bring awareness. Maybe you have been here. Maybe you have felt guilty for having feelings like these. It’s okay, friend. I’ve been there too.

~~~~~~~~~~ You may want tissues, I cried while typing.

Autism SUCKS! It is inconvenient, socially inappropriate, and INTENSE. As a parent, it was heartbreaking to me at first. It put a HUGE toll on & ended my already broken marriage.

Now, being a “parent” meant more than putting your kids first. It meant stopping your whole “YOU” to dedicate every single second, yes second… to a person who won’t look at you, can’t talk to you, and has no awareness of anything around them. A person YOU CREATED – with no acknowledgment of your hard work. No progress to “report”. Nobody around you understands. There is no way for anyone to even comprehend. Unless you are physically “in the trenches”, pouring your soul into that what you love most & seeing almost no results.

I am mad. I am bitter and angry and have resentment towards EVERY SINGLE PERSON who isn’t in my shoes.

  • I am mad that Dad gets to leave the house and go to work. Or skip out on most of his “visitation days” to start dating again, while I am locked in my damn apartment trying to stay sane.
  • I am bitter that my friends have vanished. They are busy with playgroups and swim lessons and all the things we can’t effin’ do because just leaving the house puts my kids into a frenzied whirl that will affect us for days.
  • I am furious that “family” cannot handle my children or who I’ve become while in the trenches. “It’s a culture shock” “It’s too much” “You are mentally unstable.”
  • I am jealous (REALLY REALLY JEALOUS) that relatives are all having kids too, and they are all healthy ~ Reaching milestones, and getting to enjoy all the “firsts” that I don’t even know will ever come for me.

I feel like I am being punished. Why me?! Why not her? Her family has money to get more support than I have. Why not him? He did all sorts of crazy shit growing up that may inflict bad genes.

What did I do so wrong to have my life’s freedom stripped away so intensely that I cannot even go get a cup of coffee? Why do I have to watch my son scream with anger and hold him down so he doesn’t hurt himself or us – just because he couldn’t get toys to stack the way he wanted? Why does this feel like a life sentence?? I love my children with my entire being and my love isn’t enough. I cannot make the anger stop. I cannot get the screaming to stop. I cannot get the … Autism… to stop.

So on top of all this loathing – let’s bring on the judgment of the “Experts”.

Every single Autistic person is different, and the world does not even know what causes autism or the best way to “handle it.” ( I say that rolling my eyes). Our house was Grand Central Station with therapists, case workers, etc… All wanting to try things that “might work”. Me saying: “Yes, we will try anything.” because I had fear within that the one thing I didn’t try would be the “cure” to it all. Pretty soon you’ve got an exhausted Momma on anti-depressants who cried alone regularly.

One day I was sitting at the dining room table looking at the list of people who were supposed to come that day for the kids and I just closed my eyes. I was at the end. I was way past overwhelmed and struggling to maintain. This wasn’t me being a good Mom. This was me doing what society says I should, at all costs for my children. But was it worth us being rundown and weak? Why would my kids want to interact with anyone who was trying to change them? Isn’t there a better way to help them grow and find themselves? I then started crossing people off my list.

  • Is this working for either of my kids?
  • Have I seen improvements, even small ones?
  • Are they happy while doing it?
  • What areas did they enjoy that brought them into our world?
  • What was I doing just because “someone” said it worked for “someone” somewhere out in the world and they wanted to use my kids as guinea pigs to see if they could get it to work too?
  • Whose best interest was a priority? My children or the “experience” this would give someone with this Autism thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it is trial and error for each child, but how long do you keep trying? How many months/years can they scream in protest with me just watching? I was shamed for this. I was told I was making a mistake of a lifetime. I was “that Mom” when talking to therapists. The one who didn’t know… didn’t love enough … and was being selfish. Hindsight, I think they were upset they lost a client more than the well-being of my children that they claimed.

It is normal to have a limit on what we are able to endure. No matter what anyone EVER tells you… You as the parent know what is best for YOUR child. I am not a bad parent or weak for stopping half of the therapies. I am not a bad parent for wanting them to learn through play, even if it is parallel play. I do believe early intervention is the most important time. I gave two years of my life slaving away at it because I love my children more than ANYTHING in this world. As much as my family calls me “Super Mom”, “Warrior Mom” or “Wonder Woman”, as many capes as I have in my closet, I am still human.

#ThursdayAutismAwareness
I will be sharing Autism testimony every Thursday.
I have 21 years of experience.

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Posted in 2022, Autism, depression, Love, My Autism Story

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Oye! ST00Pid Weight

Posted on August 30, 2022 | 1 comment
Weight journey documentation.

I feel like a broken record coming here AGAIN with my tail between my legs because I am uncomfortable within my skin. Why should any of my variables be the exception for grace? (Grace to myself, Grace from others ~ and I know, I know – The opinion of others doesn’t matter.) I have a MILLION excuses as to why I am no longer the 6-pack-ab wearing hottie I once was. Maybe for you, you never were. OR maybe you are exactly the same since high school? (I have compassion for WHATEVER your story is)

I haven’t seen that body since I was 33. (12 years ago)

It went something like this:

  • I am 5’9 and in 2010 I was 160 pounds. Perfect BMI range.
  • Then I moved from Arizona to Michigan. Less physical activity in the cold and more drinking and eating brought me to 185-ish.
  • In 2013 I had my 3rd child. Then I was 215 – Slowly it would rise and fall to 210-230.
  • Finally, menopause stuff starts up, and all of a sudden I am 240! 80 pounds in 10 years!
  • I go on weight watchers and lose 30 pounds! woo hoo~
  • Then I miss periods and start hormone therapy to help balance out depression stuff and boom! I see 250 pounds for the first time in my life.

I find myself discouraged. All my hard work is gone. I have no energy for anything more than my responsibilities. I have wished time and time again that reading, writing, painting, or anything having to do with one’s mind… somehow burned the same amount of calories as a cardio session.

I am now at a point in my life where I have so many factors swirling around me, that I don’t have the control of my weight as I may have had at one point. So “Way to go, Tiffany! You blew your shot while you were in your youth”. My family is a plethora of beautiful creatures. For real, they could be their own modeling company. They are also intelligent and successful. I have had this conversation with my Mom hundreds of times. “Their path is not my path. None of them have been dealt my hand or I theirs. Who knows how they would be now if they were parents of disabled children & single & broke.” – Oh look, more excuses. The evil voice in my head assures me, they would still be beautiful and a CEO of a major company.

The next thoughts this provokes in me are ~ I just left a job of 7 years and in hindsight wished I would have done it years earlier. I felt like I wasted so much time staying put instead of living my best life. So maybe I am here UNsilently suffering when I should be getting off my butt and doing something. I have so many friends who have tried bypass surgery, who work at health clubs, and who find how to be active and not feel miserable. I just cannot find anything that feels right. I walked on my treadmill yesterday and the whole thing was just stupid.

I should probably mention I am afraid. My hips and joints are now hurting, undoubtedly because of the extra weight. I am afraid I will die before I can get my older two set up for when I am gone. I am afraid that my organs are being smushed and I am slowly killing myself. You’d think with all this fear I could muster up the gumption to just stop eating as much & just start walking/running/swimming – ANYTHING.

But I’m sad. Maybe just feeling sorry for myself and feeling the “Failure” within. I have NO excuse. I am just tired. I am trying to hold it all together to do what needs to be done.

I share this with you because I know I’m not alone in this.

  • I see you too, exhausted from giving your all day after day.
  • I see you having an extra 30 minutes to do anything and you choose to sit.
  • I see you teaching, cooking, driving, working, paying bills, cleaning, and just trying to fit it all in.
  • I see you supporting all of those people around you and slowly sinking at the end of the day with not enough energy for yourself.

I see you.

I feel all of that.

You are not alone.

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Posted in 2022, depression, Uncategorized, Within My Skin

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The One God Made For Me.

Posted on August 23, 2022 | 1 comment

Today I write about a man I don’t ever want to live without. My husband.

In 2012, I played an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role play game) video game on my computer (SWTOR- Star Wars the Old Republic). As a single mother of 2 autistic children, I needed a pastime that was in my home & also provided socialization. Going anywhere was a nightmare and respite & child care was a constant battle.

I spent years defending the galaxy with people all over the world. I was a healer. Shocking I know, taking care of others in the trenches. I participated in a LOT of PVP (player vs. player) battles and having a healer was essential. I didn’t suck and was asked to tag along all of the time. I found people I enjoyed. We all had our reasons for gaming. I actually met a lot of other parents of disabled kiddos. Then I met a man. We accomplished many things in the virtual world. We became household names on our server. (I wasn’t the best, but he may have been close LOL yolo) My name was Cuore. His name was Tae.

Inside an Imperial Destroyer

Finally one spring in April we decided to meet in person. He was in St. Louis for business and God himself threw together a dozen people to handle my kids for 5 days. It was bizarre meeting him LOL. It’s funny how you can talk with someone for hours each day and yet – being face to face is like starting from the beginning.

10 months later we decide to live together. The kids call him Mister Tae.

He was the first man to ever intentionally be a part of my children’s lives.

He was there:

  • When Trin was having MRIs for cysts in her brain.
  • When she got her period.
  • At EVERY SINGLE Special Olympic practice.
  • When Preston sang the National Anthem at multiple venues.
  • To teach them how to ride scooters.
  • Every Christmas he spent all the money he received as a gift, back on the kids – He wanted them to have everything they wanted.
  • To take Preston to the Movies and they played video games together.
  • To read to them at night and talked to them every evening at dinner about their day.
  • When the schools failed us.
  • At the ER/doctor when they got sick.
  • When they cried from frustration.
  • Dancing to Pikachu and Charlie the Unicorn Music.
  • Jumping waves in Lake Michigan.

And… a million other things. He was always there. He was there on the worst days when it would have been so much easier to leave. He chose us. He chose THEM. He chose to stay.

Find someone you can be silly with.

I am not the easiest person to love. I will be the first to admit this. I left my first marriage. I’m sure it was a relief for us both. I was different after having kids. The depression I had as a teen was amplified after childbirth. I am surprised we lasted as long as we did. I have baggage from childhood and I would rather have been alone the rest of my life than staying and making us both miserable. I will say, however – my first husband never asked me to stay. I’m not shaming him for that. Just noting a difference.

Mister Tae, James, Alex – He goes by many names in our home. He has seen me at my absolute worst. He has seen me ready to die. He has seen me fail, be ugly, & stuck in darkness. He also has been the one there to pull me out. He is loyal to a level I can only compare to God not forsaking us. My Husband loves me like I’ve never known love. He wants me to succeed, be happy & thrive. He wants me to have everything – lucky for him I am a minimalist LOL! He loves to travel as much as I do and will book us flights at a drop of a hat for a quick getaway. He is kind and takes care of me in a way I have been failed to by others, over and over again. I know God’s plan is perfect. I know I am exactly where I need to be to do His best work. I feel fully accepted, unfathomably loved & undeniably fortunate.

Allē Starlight Lounge on 66 – Las Vegas
Cancun, Mexico

Mister Tae asked me to marry him a million times. This story is for another time, but after a few years, I finally agreed. This Friday will be our 8th Wedding Anniversary. It’s been messy and wonderful and hard and adventurous. He still makes me laugh and I can still make him blush. Cheers to many more!

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Six.

Posted on August 16, 2022 | Leave a comment
Floating in Peace.

As I heal, I find peace. I have fully embraced my past. Embraced the pain & let down, and felt all of the emotions. I have grieved and told the little girl within me that all her feelings are valid and she was safe to feel all of those feelings. To cry it out, to get mad, to go through the emotional scale.

Then there is calm and I am “floating”. The peace I have now was worth feeling all of the pain. This whole time I thought I had dealt with it, but I had unreleased deeply suppressed emotions within. I still get triggers sometimes, but it’s NOTHING compared to before. I sit in the trigger, feel out the pain and repeat the healing process.

Making space in my life, to deal with this head-on (crying for weeks) was the BEST thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. Removing myself from everything that chipped away at my self-worth, has saved my life. Literally! I know realistically, that most people cannot just walk away from their job. Most people don’t have the ability to STOP life to deal with past trauma.

When I look back though, I am overflowing with relief and I cannot even fathom living out my days the way I have the last 4 years. I even feel like I wasted so much time suffering. We get ONE LIFE. Why are we muddling through trying to survive instead of dealing with our ISH and reclaiming our joy? I am ashamed I even thought I wasn’t strong enough to get to the other side of forgiveness. That I thought I could push it aside and ignore the pain. Or half deal with it – until I was distracted from Life and stopped.

Until it is dealt with – in your face – until you have felt it all and worked through the healing process – It WILL keep resurfacing. To take a few months out of my life to ensure the REST of my life will be full of love and peace, was worth it! I wish I would have faced the music years ago, but I know God’s plan is always perfect timing.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been so full of love. I notice I have more patience. A calm listening ear. I am more gentle. I started writing letters of kindness to people who have touched my life. I feel that this is a second chance and I want to do my part to bring sunshine vibes and good into the world. I’ve even started a Facebook group that’s sole purpose is to lift people up! Feel free to seek it out when you have a case of the blues.

I love my life again. Every inch of it.

This doesn’t mean I am not frustrated with menopause stuff or Stupid IEPs for the kids or that my husband doesn’t drive me bananas, it means I am a walking being of love. My entire view of what surrounds me has shifted. I forgive those who’ve brought me pain. I can say their name out loud finally and not feel sick to my stomach. I wish them all well and abundant happiness. It’s been a journey for sure, and like I said above, I still get triggers. But the worst is over.

I’m not sure how much more I will write in this forgiveness series. Maybe I will share AHA’s I get from my many books or any “Tiffany Epiphanies” I have from triggers yet to surface. But I want to thank you for sharing this rough road and seeing me through it. Hopefully, all that is left is Smoooooth Sailing.

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Five ~ Stinky Fish.

Posted on August 8, 2022 | Leave a comment
Stinky Fish.

I am reading Kyle Cease’s book “The Illusion of Money” with my husband and it says “Your relationship with money is just a mirror to your relationship with yourself.”

In all honesty, this book isn’t really about Money, but more about the restrictions we place on ourselves to prevent us from being abundant in any form.

I start unpacking all the beliefs and reasons I have “decided” are why I am not as abundant as I would like to be.

  • Money is only for educated people.
  • Money is something to covet.
  • Money determines success.
  • Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Even as I type these now I see how ridiculous it all is! Then I start digging into WHY I think these things. SHOCKING NEWS AHEAD: it all stems from my two trauma issues I have been writing about this whole time!

I have been letting their opinions of my worthiness control my relationship with money. I didn’t do what I was “supposed” to do in life, so I will never be as financially abundant as they are.

***But, when it comes to “me-being-me unapologetically” in ANY other situation, I love myself whole-heartedly, unconditionally, and with pride. ~ While wearing a ginormous sparkling crown, and excessive amounts of body glitter.

I just keep getting tripped up on the conditional terms of the trauma situations.

I legit hear those people saying in my head: “There isn’t enough money or abundance in the world for people like you.”

Hear. Me. Now.

NOBODY gets to decide if I am worthy enough to be financially abundant or a good enough leader or smart enough or valuable enough EXCEPT ME!!!

I AM TAKING MY POWER BACK.

Fun Fact: I don’t eat fish or seafood. I am a Pisces and don’t eat my own kind 😉 So I have decided that when someone projects their opinion of my worthiness on me, or I am haunted by the lies I’ve let my brain repeat to me ~ I am just going to think of it as being offered fish. “No, Thank you. That’s not for me.”

They can eat as much as they want and share with whomever they want, but for me, it’s just fish and I can get by just fine without it. I’m not in a hateful place, quite the opposite actually. Sitting in my love of not eating fish. I am completely removing the power control from them and turning their beliefs into stinky fish.

It is this simple and ridiculous. Does it sting when people don’t like you? Sure, but it also clears a path for the universe to bring you to your Non-Fish eating tribe. Am I judging people who eat fish? Heck no! Not everyone likes everything and I am sure they might cringe at my hummus and veggie platter.

We get to decide our worth. YOU get to decide YOUR worth. You get to decide your success level! As an Autism Momma, small wins are BIG WINS. Why would I EVER let anyone diminish the hard work my kids do? Sometimes, just getting out of bed is a HUGE win for my friends with depression. You bet your bottom I will be the loudest cheerleader for them!

There are literally NO LIMITS to your capabilities if you can just get out of your own way. Screw what anyone else ever led you to believe. They were just offering you stinky fish!

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My Forgiveness Journey, Part Two.

Posted on July 26, 2022 | Leave a comment

I was challenged to try and separate the painful moments from the beautiful moments in each situation.

In the first cycle – I was young. I don’t remember much honestly and the things I do remember were shaming and alcohol-infused. Or trumped by a whole other war that was happening at the same time. I tried talking to my husband about this, but I ended up angry with lots crying. I felt robbed that I could NOT think of anything “good” during the first 13 years of my life with this person. A person I was supposed to be able to trust. A person who should have put me ahead of so many things. A person who SHOULD have chosen me. A person I could never be good enough for. A person who would meanly “tease” me and make me feel stupid. Who would laugh when others were cruel. A person who was so distracted by booze and being cool and material things – Who couldn’t be bothered by the emotions of a young girl.

In the second cycle, I remember striving for acceptance. Giving my all to make someone proud. Doing whatever I could to achieve the level that would help them rise and then a cloud of resentment or something engulfed me. Little things here and there that weren’t right. I was confused “Isn’t this what you wanted?” I finally decided to make space between us. Then I made the space bigger. Eventually, when the space became apparent I was outcasted on her end. Again, I don’t remember anything good. I remember a constant “was I a disappointment?” “What did I fail to do now?” I was a scapegoat for the most insane things. My best was wrong and always needed to be tweaked.

It’s like that song lyric “looking for love in all the wrong places”. I just wanted to belong. First, in a place where I should have been fully accepted and supported – and then in a group that I strived to make proud.

I clearly have issues with abandonment and betrayal. So many didn’t want me around. They wanted what I could do for them. I remember in 3rd grade there was a constant battle between 2 girls and all the rest of us would pick a side. I literally said outside during recess while sitting on a snowbank “You can use me so you have more people than her”.

Today, I have maybe 2 adult friendships where I don’t question their motives for friendship. I trust they won’t throw me under a bus or hide things from me. It’s a beautiful, broken, messy, honest journey we share. We can be the ugliest versions of ourselves without fear of being shamed or discarded. A friendship where we have nothing to gain but truthful confessions, honest sounding boards, and love. So much love. I know this is 2 more than most people have and I count my blessings I assure you.

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Forgiveness Journey, Part One.

Posted on July 23, 2022 | 2 comments
A healing Journey

Have you noticed when you don’t learn a lesson, it tends to repeat itself? Last month I had a HUGE revelation that within the job I left, I was actually repeating a lesson from my past. Like a HUGE, Painful, Life altering, Mess me up for decades afterward – life experience.

*I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with my job itself. I loved my job, I loved my team, and I love the owners still. And who knows, maybe at some point the Lord will draw me back under different circumstances.

Moving on… You see, I forgave all of the people that this pain stems from.

(FYI: Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) The people who brought pain, betrayal, and shame into my life were only being who they were capable of being because of their own life experiences and traumas. But I still have triggers that bring that pain back to the surface and so it had me thinking that I did it wrong. Did I REALLY forgive them? Why can’t I let go enough to never experience that hurt, pain & darkness again?

Then, when that pain resurfaces I resort to bitterness. Replaying the situation in my head looking for proof I wasn’t a terrible human, or was I? Repenting to the Lord above if I ever made anyone feel the way I felt at that moment, I am truly sorry. Asking for mercy to take it all away. Next, I start to question everyone around me. To say I have trust issues is the understatement of the millennia. It has been my truth that EVERYONE around me is playing both sides. I can’t trust anyone and so I start to downward spiral, feeling alone and worthless and would be better off dead. I deserve this pain.

This has been the cycle since I was 13 years old. Here I am 45 and just replayed the ENTIRE cycle in a different situation with different people, but with ALL the same key factors.

ENOUGH!

People have been asking how I could just walk away while I was on top? My team was strong.

I am breaking the cycle. I am choosing to remove myself from something that has been internally destroying me.

The “End” is this:

The End of “staying” because if I leave I am weak.

The End of an abundance of shame and self-loathing because I am not who people want me to be or not to be ~ or I am not wanted when shining at my best or deep in my bad days.

The End of living a life in stagnant fear – A life God blessed me with that I should be doing so much more.

Friends, this is the beginning.

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Posted in 2022, depression, friendship, My Forgiveness Journey, Random, Uncategorized

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